the right kind of love

In all my past experiences,
love has smacked me
hard enough to leave behind a bruise.
I had no time to prepare
or think things over,
it didn't care if I was ready.
It was never an easy thing,
but you seem to make things
easy.
This time it approached me slowly,
and for once,
love felt as though
it came in the name of
peace.
These feelings that I attach
your name to
were subtle for so long,
I sometimes second-guessed
their very existence,
until it became clear
that there was no room left
for doubt.

It was a year long
getting-to-know-you phase.
It was taking 2 years
of knowing you
to become your friend,
and only ever seeing each other
once outside of school.
It was catching my eyes
lingering a little too long on you,
and realizing that maybe
there was less
(and more)
to say than I had expected.
It was asking myself
if I was falling in love with you
long before you sent me
your confession,
and just passing it off as
crazy-talk.
It nagged at me
every time we spoke
following that day,
but with the absence of stress
or strain.
Just a sort of passing thought,
a question I had assumed
would go unanswered,
and maybe I was okay
with not knowing
because I wasn't ready
for the answer.
I had a couple more mistakes
to make,
and you wouldn’t be
one of them.
After not too long though,
denial stopped working
its usual magic,
and the truth came to me
like an old friend.

This feeling has never felt
so foreign,
even when it was.
It's like I've never done this before.
Before you I was always one
to dwell everywhere
but the present,
out of comfort and fear.
Now,
it seems I've lost my fondness
for the past,
and the future
always seems to get me
too ahead of myself.
I want to be here,
while we talk about vegetables
at ungodly hours,
and nowhere else
(except maybe wherever you are).
I want to be present
for all of this,
for everything to come.
I'd hate to miss anything.

I don't know that anyone
could tell me,
but if I had to guess,
I'd say this
is what it was supposed to feel like
all along.