The weight of anxiety

There's this constant fear, not of pain or death, but of judgement. So often feeling the stares of others while completely lacking any self-esteem due to automatic, pessimistic assumptions about how others see me, creates this overwhelming social discomfort fueled by a lifetime of rejection, loss, abandonment, and despair, makes going anywhere or doing anything, feel like a complete waste of energy. This anxiety, this worry and anguish, is so heavy, so toxic, so real that it shadows the mind out of the current situation, and redirects it to a very dangerous place. The only slight sense of comfort comes from being all alone, which never last because that always just eventually leads to replaying all the awkward interactions and failures of the day over and over again in your head, while you wish you could be better. Until you get enough drinks in you to finally not give a shit. Nihilism, is my temporary paradise. Depression, is my reality.