To be a body (after Blythe Baird)

To be a body (after Blythe Baird)

When I was 12, I dealt with an eating disorder.
I dealt with anorexia again at 15.
Today, I am 17 and still struggle with anorexia nervosa.Β 
When my weak immune system and sharp collarbone are all I have to prove this truth,Β 
This illness has yet to feel real enough.
Once,Β 
I even considered cutting my thighs,
Because I grew desperate atΒ 
the way my throat burnt after a purge
Noticing nonetheless that my body still was not thin enough.
Really though,Β 
It must be my body giving up on the calories it consumes.
Really, it is my heart aching from the little I’ve shrunk.
Really, it is me holding back tears when looking in a mirror.
Really, I really want to believe it means being so sick that you do not know you are sick.
Really, it is expecting an apology to come, from anyone, anywhere, so that it does not feel like I am to blame.Β 
I praised the idea that I would like me better
If I got rid of dangling muscles, fat, curves;
If I were no longerΒ 
Fat.
But all I feel,
Is full all the time,
Hungry all the time,
Empty all the time.

Maybe sick and skinny are just not that worth it.

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Comments

author
Faith Van Riel

Mai, I hope you are in a better place if you are the subject of your verse, reach out and find the hand that will pull you from the monster...xox
your write draws you in to a view..
Faith

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author
Mai B

Thank you for your concern Faith, I do have a supportive entourage and am currently in recovery.Β 
Best regards

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chloe harford

I'm glad you have recovered and resulted in your beautifully written piece! Will come back to read more!
chloe~

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author
Mai B

You're so sweet Chloe, thank you.
xxx

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author
Anne Francis

It is (or was) such a sad sickness and trust you
get better soon and never lapse again - if youΒ 
need help never fail to ask.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are
beautiful, think about the contest YOU WON
Think of all the positives and leave the negs behind.

Watched Karen Carpenter last week so sad
such a waste.
God Bless and help you through this difficult time
Anne x

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author
Mai B

Thank you so much Anne, that's so sweet!
xxx

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author
Kathleen Tortolano

Congrats!
I can relate to your pain!
Warm regards,
KATHLEEN❀️️
Β 

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Mai B

I'm sorry you can, just hang in there.Β 
Thank you as well,
xxx

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TheInvisableOne

Hi Mai.
Im going through this now at the moment expect I don't purge. I do eat but not a lot and I usually go without food. Im not anorexia or have an eating disorder or getting bullied at school or that I want to be slim... Its because I feel empty. Im never hungry, never tired, I never feel any real emotion but nothing. When I eat I don't feel like im full or starving.
Im not sure what to do any more.
I started to type this on your private messages but I wanted to post this comment publicly to see if anyone is like me and we could help each other. I know, very cheesy but that's just me.

Xxx
-TheInvisableOne

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author
Mai B

Your comments are always welcome, dear.
And I know what you mean.Β 
What helps with the emptiness, is getting to the source of it. Ask yourself why you feel empty, why you need to fill yourself in the first place. What was there before that you are now lacking? Did somebody or something make you lose part of yourself?
It takes work to get there, but once you've solved that question, things will feel lighter, less complex. It's also about knowing how to fill the void with other and positive things. Are you religious? Spirituality has helped me immensely. Try yoga or meditation otherwise, you'll find your enlightenment one way or the other.Β 
Remember that it's not okay to focus on food and make your life revolve around it, and make YOUrself the center of your life. You are not a can to be filled and thrown. You're actually very lovely, so take care of yourself, TheInvisableaOne.
xxx,
Mai

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