Poem -

Living through depression

Living through depression

In living with Depression, I must say that the hard-hitting part is 
When it all stops mattering, 
The instant you run out of craps to give.
Your grades, your studies, your workouts, your routines, your perfectionism,
It all turns to dust you become too weak to sweep.
And, 
They don’t get it,
No one gets it.
Because, what makes you stop, makes you start?
How can you just, 
Give up?
Your feet suddenly stop walking on a busy street,
Your heart runs solely on pain,
All the while you’re yelling for it to end,
But your mind too is screaming, for you to end it.
I sometimes wonder if it is just me who feels this… 
Growing hatred that birthed in my guts,
Or this black hole consuming my organs,
The darkness devouring the life that once inhabited me. 
And I say this to you with so much ease,
But then I am left speechless when meeting with my psychiatrist. 
Those who do not suffer from depression, cannot grasp how mind blowing it is;
How depression first, creeps onto you slowly,
Nagging you through little tasks and mere encounters, 
But surely, it turns into a monster eating whoever you used to be 
Up,
And ironically, it ends up a friend.
It becomes a familiar companion, although uninvited,
Kind of like your third angel squeezing your heart tugging and your heart strings. 
I want to find the right words, the exact metaphors, to convey how deeply it stings and how intimately it destroys you,
For I am too often left with unexplained pain I must sort through,
Shit I should deal with,
Duties I don’t care to attend to,
Living a life, I am no longer engaged in.
You’re asked to be here, be present
“Where is your mind? Where are you at?”
So many questions
While you vainly attempt
To remember what alive feels like.
We’re just kids; yet we fight invisible demons, memories of trauma, abusive minds. 
No one grasps the cruelty of our thoughts,
And none want to hear about the suicides we play again, and again, and again 
In our heads.
The craving to self-destruct. 
I am not the only one to struggle with this,
And that’s the only relief I get.
Ultimately, 
It does get better,
But it’s no thanks to you.
For we fought and we won, our own wars

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Comments

author
Shorty Green

Great poem. Just sums up how living with depression is. I feel the same hun. X

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author
Mai B

Thank you.
I'm sorry you do, but do hang in there. Sending my love.
xxx,
Mai

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author
TheInvisableOne

I feel the same as you do. I have Smiling Depression which is when you are screaming and crying for help but “the mask” will cover it up and you are always fake smiling. I don’t know the last time I smiled genuinely. 
Loads of people think they have depression and they are like “I know what you mean” but they don’t have depression, they just get  sad some days because something bad happened. They then to get attention by saying they are depressed but me, someone who is really depressed, never wants attention or anyone to know. 
(disclaimer: I am not saying your not depressed but I’m just making my point about people who say they are depressed but aren’t). 

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author
Mai B

Of course I know you aren't, you even said you relate to my poem. Don't you worry. 
And you commenting about Smiling Depression is so coincidental, I just met a lovely girl with that type as well! I believe you guys also fall into the "High functioning depression" type, no?
Either way, I know what it's like. It's devastating that so many others do... But hang tight, there's so much more to come and live for. 
I'm sending you strength and love.
xxx,
Mai 

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author
TheInvisableOne

Thank you so much and yeah I call into the “high functioning depression”. I’m so glad I signed up for this website as I get to meet people like you who are so kind and I can express my poems anonymously. 

I send you my My hope & happiness 

-TheInvisableOne

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author
Mai B

You're very welcome.
And welcome, hehe! (:

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author
Barry Childs

Fantastic poem, Mai. Depression is such a complex thing and you have described it so poetically and so well. Barry x

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author
Mai B

Thank you Barry, your comments are always so lovely! Haven't been online for a while but I'll post some new stuff soon hopefully! 
xx,
Mai

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