Unworthy

She tells me I’m not worthy
that people just use me because I’m kind.
She tells me I’m not pretty
and that I look bad in all of my clothes.
Even the ones I know I look good in,
like that pretty navy dress I own but never wear
because she tells me not to.
She tells me I’m a shitty person
that nobody really likes me
I probably just bother them when I talk.
So, I try not to talk but then I start talking and I can’t stop.
Then she tells me I’m being annoying
and that’s why no one is answering me because
they probably aren’t listening anyway.
She tells me to stay in bed
Then she asks why I don’t have any friends?
She tells me all I do is push people away
and the reason no one likes me is because I’m too needy
I love to hard and it makes them uncomfortable.
Sometimes I don’t believe her
she spouts lies into my head but the lies are like roots
they are spreading all over in my mind
making me question everything I do.
She tells me she’s never leaving
because she’s a part of me,
the part of me I hate about myself
but I can’t seem to let her go.
She invited herself to stay the night
and then she never left me.
She is always there.
When I go out she is there
When I go to sleep she is there
When I am doing absolutely nothing she is there
taunting me, making me feel more useless than I deserve to feel
I don't deserve to feel the way I do
and I know that but she won’t leave me alone.
She won’t let me be just me.
When something bad happens
she replays it in my head
over and over and over and over.
She remembers everything bad that has ever happened to me
and she doesn’t let me forget about it.
She tells me I deserve it
that it happened because I let it happen
that I am not the type of person that deserves to be happy
and I believe her because how will I ever truly be happy
with her always telling me that I don’t deserve to be happy
I will always feel like I’m drowning if she is here
And I don’t know how to kick her out.
They tell you to take your meds, see a therapist, talk about your feelings
you need help to get rid of her.
But how can I get rid of her without getting rid of me?
She is my anxiety and my anxiety is me.
I tell myself I’m not worthy.