What If

I play the what if games in head constantly, they just appear
What if I had been better, what if I tried harder, what if, what if, what if
They pound so loud it blocks out my thoughts
It brings back old memories, replays them in my head, asks the what ifs
I try to stop, try to throw them out; but they continue to come back like an infectious disease 
What if, what if, what if
This constant self doubt lowers the confidence I once had
They make me question my self worth
Am I good enough, why can’t I just do it, you’re not enough 
Nothing I do, nothing I say can bring back the self worth I once had
The what ifs and the self doubt work together like an army to destroy my self esteem 
When is it going to stop; when will I be able to live; when will I have my mind back
I can’t keep friends, I can’t make friends, I’m too loud, I’m too quiet, I’m too mean, I’m to nice, I’m; I’m; I’m 
 I don’t understand why I’m not enough; why I can’t just be me
Why can’t I be accepted for who I am
Why do I play the what ifs, I want it to stop!
My mind spins and spins playing these games
Maybe I will just never be good enough
Maybe I’ll never be enough
The what ifs just continue to run through my head
When will it stop; when will I be free
What if, what if, what if
What if I just stop trying?
Will I ever get my confidence back?
Will I ever be enough?
You can never win in the game of what if
Once you start, you might never make it out