What they don’t know it feels like

There are a thousand things I want to do
all I seem able to is sit
stare at my phone with hands made of lead
I want to scream
but I’ve passed the point of being able too
exhaustion is the only word to describe the hell I’m in
a constant state of exhaustion I stare at my phone waiting for a text that isn’t coming
and I wonder if I should tell someone
but my head is stuck in thunder clouds
I am so tired all I want to do is yell
I end up crying I don’t know what for
it feels like somebody else like a sound proof room
on one side yelling, fury and pain
other the other nothing, emptiness a void
and I want to say something but the words don’t come
how am I supposed to tell someone I love that I don’t want to live?
That it’s so much more then not wanting to live 
but that I am simply so tired?
I feel like there is a weight on my chest 
I can’t breathe and a part of me doesn’t want to
I can’t seem to think everything feels so slow
time creeps by
but also goes so fast 
my legs don’t work when I try to get up 
everything is like walking through a cave
so black and loud 
like standing in a stadium with the lights out
three breaths sound like a thousand to me
I’ve read all the poems
heard the eulogies
they say the world wouldn’t be same without me
but honestly I can’t bear to be in a world with me.