What you see is not my reality

What do you see when you look at me
Blue eyes and skin white as can be
With a long name that sounds like i come from money
Big in more than just the hips so i must have enough to eat
I speak to you with kindness i must've learned it from my daddy
Just because that's what you see doesn't mean it's my reality
I spend eight hours at school on the other side of town
The idea of going home is what causes my never ending frown

Home isn't where my heart is
Home is where my demons live
Sleeping soundly is just a dream that's interrupted loudly
I fail to see why screaming makes you so happy
Leaving is my fantasy
But reality is always there to remind me and let me know i have nowhere to go
Yeah i could call 911 and someone might come but in the end there is nowhere to run
even my dad chose to use a gun 

When I was a baby daddy abandoned me because life was to crazy
Pulling the trigger was easier than providing six kids dinner
Mom tried her best but it took a toll on her
Around me the lights went out and my mom started to doubt if she could do it
But the government took pity so we got a little help
Still never enough food on the shelf

I grew up and learned that what was going down shouldn't be allowed
I’d try to scream but it was like there was no sound coming out 
Silence meant peace and sound ment war
Every day another bit of my soul tore
Pretty soon nothing was left but a shell of my former self i’d lay awake at night praying for death
It never came maybe because I already considered myself dead
The hell i went through never left my head

It’s on repeat incessantly and with nowhere left to retreat
I was forced to relive every insult and injury
Saying to myself god why'd you do this to me
In all honesty i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy
We called the police but they made him a different kind of angry
It turned out okay cause he ran to the other side of Mississippi

I thought I'd get  better because my wounds could finally heal
I had time to deal with how the domestic abuse made me feel
Yeah I was angry and yeah I was sad but i couldn't help but feel like it was my bad
You know i blame myself for my circumstances and felt like I was out of second chances
Before I knew it suicidal thoughts were making advancements

I went to therapy it wasn't what I expected i thought I'd magically get better
Instead it turned me bitter because I finally knew
That all those years the problem wasn't me it's you
Four years later you come back around playing victim
all around me act like they forgive him
So here I am again with satan himself
My only chance now it to make something of myself
I'll be damned if i don't
You'll be damned if i do because i promise the first person i'm coming for is you