where am I

When do we lose ourselves? we
spend most of our life trying to find ourselves and the rest, trying to
find others. Where did I take my first wrong step and what time in my
life did this happen? From womb to tomb we are bound to others. why is
loving you come so easy, but always carry a heavy price. When will I
remember me and not feel completely at sorts with the burden you make me
carry. Why are your problems bigger, just because their louder? Can I
be heard, or do I have to always surrender my self for the sake of
others? Do I even matter? Will anyone remember me when I'm gone? Is all
this shit for nothing? Do I really enjoy pain so much that I seek it
out? Where am I? Will I ever find my way back? When did I stop being
important to me? Why am I  to blame for everything that went wrong in
your life? I don't know if I am the one wrong, or if you are. How can we
really tell? Have I become so overtaken by selflessness that you have
consumed me and now instead of blood, you! run through my veins. Can I
ever recover? Why are you more important than me? is this my curse for
loving you? Did you feel I failed you, because right now I am the one
that feels cheated. I am broken, to battered and bruised to find my way
back. Have I given you too much to handle? Was I the one that robbed
you? Why is the feeling of failure, insecurity,  and insignificance my
cross to bare? I loved you when no one else did. I died inside every
time I endured your lack of effort.

When people started to
look at me as the outcast or loser, just because something had to be
wrong with me to love someone like you and to stick around so long. Now I
looked like the weirdo and had something wrong with my brain. Even then
did i give up on you? no! I stayed! I looked like the retard, the jack
ass. Was that not good enough for you, that I sold my identity to own
yours. Free me, stop needing me, you owned my heart, but i can not give
you my soul. Did consuming 13 years of my life not satisfy you? I at
least pleased you some of the time, you never pleased me! You gave me
loyalty which should be a given, but loyalty was in exchange for a
nightmare, that for some sad reason I thought I deserved because of my
own wrong doings in life.  Maybe crazy thoughts that not rejecting and
giving up on you would heal my own wounds of being rejected and thrown
away.

I tried to fix you, when my pile of broken pieces were just
as big. I wanted to heal you and take away all of your pain, when my
load was already and had been seeping over, leaking out of my eyes on a
non stop bases. I was and had lost myself in the process of trying to
find you. I needed someone to unleash to, to fix me, to save me. Why did
you never see how bruised I was, how utterly drained I was, almost
falling to my knees, but fighting to move forward.

Not
only did you take away my right to feel, you rob me of the credit for
giving it up, for surrendering me to you. You take my credit for being
strong and not shouting to the world begging the lord and asking him
"when is this job ever going to end." Instead I left you, with what
sanity you held and went in my corner, and felt my pain quietly,
shamefully and utterly alone. Did I ever burden you with my pain or
suffering? NO! Did I even let you feel one ounce of sorrow on my behalf?
No! I spared you of pain, loneliness, and disappointment that you could
never handle even witnessing. I went through it alone, for you, and for
my children. You don't know how many nights I prayed and cried that god
would give you a sound mind. I didn't want to consider you a lost
cause. I put in the work, didn't you notice, didn't you notice me? The
world stopped for you, when your pain and anger came to the surface to
show it's selfish face. Your louder, so you must hurt more, Your skin
isn't as thick so you must bleed more, the whole world has to see and
hear your pain because it's more important. You were wrong! You were
wrong about a lot. I spent 13 years analyzing you and you don't even
know me. I was required to sympathies and have piety on your poor soul
when it was cracked at the seems. All along I am dying, screaming inside
for someone to notice me and my cracked soul.

Instead I
stood next to a man, that had no idea of the magnitude of human
suffering I have always quietly absorbed. No! instead this man thought
no one loved him and no one understood him,  when I have been crying out
all of my life to be heard, understood, put first and made important.
Were you really that oblivious to what you were doing, or did you really
just do it for fuck sake. You wanna know how many times I asked myself
and that others asked me why i even like you, let alone love you, more
times then people asked how I was doing in 13 years. So, thank you,
thank you very much, for ending this nightmare that you have convinced
your self is love, because the only love I felt in the room was
illuminating off of me towards YOU!

Is this loud enough for you? Do you get it now?

Amber Broide