Autism my super power

I was born and forged in hatred, my parents both beat me on a daily basis, if they were not beating me, I was usually lost in thought in a dark space, my mom would put me in time out inside of a steel box that she kept outside, there were holes in it that I could get a slight breeze from, but besides that I couldn’t do anything in there but dream, id dream of better times. Days were we wouldn’t fight and I would get to the point where I could just begin to imagine what it would be like to have a normal family, I found myself enjoying being locked in that tiny box, at least I was not covered in bruises, or going to sleep crying. It was in this box I began to discover my latent ability to imagine, I would create entire worlds, go places I had never seen before and do the things I wanted to do just because while in that dark steel box, nobody could tell me what to do. I was the king of that realm nobody ever hit me. Or called me names, and I could speak, people listened to my stories and my tales I had to tell and they enjoyed them, in my mind a audience of thousands would sit all around just to hear me tell stories, it was in this box I discovered my happiness in a dark dark time in my life. My dad was a p5 in the marines he was one of the first marines to move against what was considered common practice and push for a system that required our military to not use chemical weapons against civilians, at the time if there were people in the same area as the enemy we would still bomb the area, but he was part of a small group of the military that was moving to educate others on the horrors of what this caused, among these things my dad was required to inspect the hospitals that held these people who had been infected by agent orange, and napalm, he saw children with melted flesh babies born with missing or extra limbs. It was from this experience that he developed ptsd, While he was away my mother would change, her personality, she would begin to come out of this mental armor that she would create when he was around. I remember we would go on a lot of vacations, or spend more time with her friends, she wouldn’t beat me when he was gone, but as it would come closer to him coming home she would act like an animal running from a predator, She would start screaming whenever she would explain that dad was coming home, and if I acted out in the slightest bit she would beat me, my dad was strong so his beatings would hurt, but my mom wasn’t strong so she would get a bit cruel, I remember on one occasion she had hog tied me naked with duct tape, she ended up swinging me around in a circle then threw me first into a couch, I was like 3 or 4 years old so yea I screamed, she didn’t like that she picked me back up and threw me into the fire place and my head crashed against the pricks surrounding it, screaming shut up! I had gotten used to daily beatings, it was too a point I no longer reacted to the pain, I just reacted to the experience, at 4 years old I understood mortal fear. Ironically it was at this time I first began to see a psychologist his name was Dr. Kiillbourne (not sure about spelling but was pronounced kill born)I was afraid he was going to kill me because of his name. As it turns out he was a really great guy, we played Nintendo and he asked me questions about how my home was and how people treated me, I would give short one word answers.

BY the end of our sessions he wanted to talk to my mom alone, he ended up diagnosing me with autism and adhd, I was smart but didn’t speak much at all,  Making friends at that age was not difficult all you had to do was shout the word that everyone was screaming, say yay and can I play every now and then and kids just hung out with you, the only problem I had was learning to ride a bike without training wheels and I even conquered that in no time, but I remember that I had trouble just talking. It seemed the only thing I could talk about was power ranger I loved Jason the red ranger I Thought it was so cool. The karate chopping fighting action of the shows really made me want to relate to it, I  saw my parents as the villains my mom a Rita Rapulsa and my dad a lord zed and it was my duty to contend with them, the beatings became something I no longer had to fear, I gained my mental catalyst, I had gained a means to fight back even before I was the age of 10, my mom did not like her when I began to say you will not win today rita rapulsa It would usually earn me a quick back hand, but it did not matter, the constant beatings had earned me nerve damage and no longer hurt, so when I wore my power ranger uniform and they would hit me, I would imagine the nylon material, really was armor protecting me, I began to believe I really was a power ranger, as long as I maintained this illusion I did not feel pain, the beatings only affected me while they occurred then immediately after I could find myself wearing a smile living as a normal kid, I lived a facade but it was better than the reality I was existing in, I had found a way to escape the pain. Over time I learned to exercise this ability of mine and apply it to other things, when I was in grade school, the other kids would show off the gifts they got from their parents, I only ever got a gift on my birthday or at Christmas. So at a young age I started making things, things that I could pass off as gifts from my parents, o people wouldn’t think my family hated me, even at 8 years old I could understand electronics. So I made a radio from a kit and then played music in class, I got the reputation as a trouble maker, and a comedian, I was very intelligent, academically. I did not ever fit in in school, everybody cared about girls or sucking up to other people or being cool, I never did have a interest in being cool I had just always been myself. So I began a lie I  had grown tired of being left out While I was not willing to change myself to fit in I had no problem making people believe I was different, so that’s exactly what I did. If I couldn’t be cool I would be the best at something, grade school I had scraped by being under the radar, I kept my head low but in middle school the girls got boobs, and the guys got attitudes, and I became even smarter which made me stick out like a sore thumb, I actually had spent the summer before reading, and learning everything I could get my hands on. So when the school year came around the teachers were surprised that I was ahead of the other students, my class mates alienated me immediately, 6th graders calling me a faggot for getting a A on a test, fucking bastards. I was still trying to figure out my place in the world while I have nothing against gay people now, the only thing on my mind was I am not a faggot, so I began to purposely fail on my classes I wouldn’t turn work in go as far as to throw it away even  lie to my mom. These actions quickly earned me a place in the LD classes, I hated that place it was my own personal hell. I refused to stay in there for very long.

I begged my guidance counselor to get me out of there saying how I don’t deserve to be in there, the bitch blew me off saying my actions put me in there, I have a learning disability and that place is meant to help me, I gave her the finger and stormed out, that night I took my work book home( which we were not supposed to do) they thought we might somehow lose it or something , but overnight I completed the entire workbook  like some 200 pages  basic math is like breathing to me and these kids in this class were struggling with counting money. The teacher gave them all the answers and they till had students with incomplete work, So my clever ass would sit there with a complete work book and sell the answers to other students, eventually I got in trouble, and I was accused of cheating…….really? so I had a board meeting were the school board would determine whether or not it was grounds enough to expel me, because according to them there was no waaay a child with severe learning disability and a record of mental illness, could ever complete a math book on their own, hahaha jokes on them, I found out that they couldn’t do anything without evidence proving that I had actually cheated in completing it. There was one woman I can’t remember her name who persuaded the other staff members that I might be a savant, and they were ok with considering me an exceptional retard. So I was put in a regular math class, were I made a schedule, of how many work sheets I could skip and still pass, wouldn’t want them to think I was too smart, they had no idea while I was at home I was already doing my mom’s taxes and paying all her bills because she would just let them stack up, putting her more and more in dept. so in the 6th grade I was successfully balancing my mom’s check book, and filing her taxes for her. I will be honest my writing skills did not develop until after high school, but based on testing I was reading at a college reading level, and they thought I had brain damage or was possessed or something because I used words like ostracize and vendetta properly in a sentence, while other kids used faggot and gay about 60 times in a sentence. Hell people called me a faggot so often the assistant principal took me into his office saying I’m not allowed to molest boys in this school, the fucking retard actually thought that I was gay to the point that he thought it necessary to say I’m not allowed to molest people, this is before gay rights so he got away with such harassment (not gay). Most of middle school went this way, without any actual change to the contrary. Go to school get called a faggot, kids would try to fight me and Id smash their faces into a locker, get in trouble go to detention, go home get beaten or grounded or yelled at by my mom. High school was not much different, except I began to get friends and girls started to like me. Something about me being a social outcast really excited them, I discovered I had this knack for knowing what people do, Now that may sound weird but I could post myself in a room and I would test myself, as soon as a person would enter a room, I could identify smells and body language and I would know who they were going to talk to what they wanted to eat for lunch, I didn’t stalk them, something about them just told me and I was right more or less all the time. Girls began to talk to me because I seemed to have it all figured out, this made a lot of guys mad at me, they thought I was trying to take their girlfriends or respective crushes. With this new found responsibility I would read more at home anything was better than dealing with my mom I was about 16 at the time and my mom was at a all-time new high in terms of crazy, I mean she frothed at the mouth, so if I was not in my room locked up reading I was in the woods just exploring , I love books I would read anything from physics to medical theory, I got the respective name Dr. who because nobody knew my name but I kept giving people accurate medical diagnosis’s , I was also the guy people went to for advice, I was fine with it it gave me purpose, but it got me into a lot of trouble, with jealous men. It was not until after school that I began to really learn about my skill as a writer, without school I had not outlet to do something other than get yelled at by my mom, so I started a diary and began to write poetry, I was hooked right away.

It made me want to do more with my life I would not sit idle by and waste away inside this prison known as my mothers house I would do something with my life, I knew I was very smart, but I had no proof so when I told my mom I wanted to go to college, she did not support me and would not help pay for it, I had worked with my uncle, and he knew how smart I was but he too told me, he had never seen me write and therefore could not support me and would not pay for me to go to college, I had to prove to him I had a talent for writing…….so I did I proved it to him in such a fashion that there would be no argument as to whether or not I had a talent for writing . I wrote a poem about a page long about waking up in my bed, in my boxers thinking it was cold, then walking over to my window to open it up and see the snow outside, then closing the window and going back to sleep and smiling about it being a snow day and not having school, sounds like a weird thing to write about, but I had written it in such a way that my uncle had this huge smile on his face and his voice croaked and a tear fell from his eyes and he said 3 words that would change my life forever That was great. From that day on I was in college for English, I was unstoppable, because in high school I did not have the needed math credits for the classes I wanted I had to take remedial math classes, it was so frustrating being stuck with such dull people, again. Luckily I got high scores with English so I was put in the actual college English class. On our first writing assignment I got a standing ovation for a paper about bullying and how to prevent it in future generations. I began to notice a pattern in college about what my life would be about, I started to discover my skills, who I was as a person.  What I would do with my life I liked helping people, even if I did not, there was not much I could do about it because it just came naturally, people around me were always lost and I happened to be very resourceful in many situations. I started craving more and wanting more  and desiring to do, more I needed it like a fix, when I didn’t have it I would get the twitch. I Dated this girl in college, it sounds horrible but no matter how hard I try I cannot remember her name I think it was kim or Courtney it’s a name with a k sound in it but we were only dating for a week, he had just left school and had taken the bus home, she liked talking to me on the phone because I made her laugh I think we might of done well, if things had gone on but they didn’t, AS  I was on the phone with her I heard a loud crash and a yelp and like a squishing thumping sound as she had been hit by a car, she said my name and died, I had a class in about 15 minutes and I was so shocked that I just skipped it the phone was still held to my ear, the call had ended a while ago but I couldn’t move, I ended up throwing up all over myself, I went into depression, Her mom would not let me go to the funeral because she did not know me or about me, the same bull shit went on with my family at home so I locked myself away I stopped going to college and I went down a spiraling funnel of depression, I wasn’t depressed that my girlfriend had died I honestly hardly knew the girl, but the fact I was on the phone with her when she died I felt responsible for distracting her, I felt that if I had not been a distraction, then maybe she would be alive today, but she was dead. She is still dead, in time I got over it but I had no more money to go to college. So I needed another job, I got a job working with kids at summer camps, for children who were growing up with autism, it was perfect I was really able to relate to these kids 12 year olds who were chess masters one kid wrote published comics, another was a magic the gathering world ranker, it was incredible, it was here I decided my autism was not a disability it as far as I could tell autism did not make you stupid or mean that you had trouble learning, it just meant different and nothing else, all of these kids could like me teach themselves complicated processes, most were smarter than the students they went to school with, they just lacked confidence because they had been given a label, learning disabled, autistic, Asperger’s. Yet in each in every one of them I saw a spark of brilliance. It was through them, I began to discover all the things that made me different, that at one time I saw as proof that I was not autistic, was actually proof that I was, and that it was a good thing, something I could be proud of.

It was through here that I began to understand I had these skills that I had developed throughout my life were for a reason, call it Gods purpose or fate but, it was just so ideal that my life had gone the way It did, there were no longer chains holding me back, it was no longer about me fitting in, this was the first time in my life, that I felt my life began to revolve around me, rather than me attending to it. I found happiness, while I had this job I grew in my confidence and within myself. I began to hope that maybe my whole life did not have to suck, sadly it did not last indefinitely, I had to go home at the end of the summer, I had to go home to my mom, most of my disappointments through my upbringing revolve around her. Yet here I was going home, I had come from a place were I was almost worshiped for my efficiency, to an environment were I was loathed for succeeding, I had hoped that maybe just maybe I might find some support or even a good job, but instead I found hurtful words and multiple suicide attempts, why she could not see me in a kinder light, is beyond me. It got so bad, at one point she drew a knife on me and ended up jabbing it toward me I had put my arm up to protect myself, and it ended up slashing my arm, I pushed her down, and the cops were called resulting in me getting tasered and beaten, she told them the cut on my arm was self-inflicted, so they were responding as if I was a violent drunkard, instead of her son defending himself. After that  I knew I would no longer be welcome, at home I could not stand it, I hated it I hated my life and I needed it to change. I ran away while working at camp I had heard of people going on a walk about with nothing but the clothes on their back, in actuality I had  2 changes of clothes a blanket a knife and a cell phone. None the less I left that house and just walked into the backyard woods, and I would keep to the trees whenever I could I would walk and walk until I could no longer walk no more, then I would sleep. I had very little survival skills. I had no idea how I would eat I had no money, I had just graduated high school, but I was definite in my determination. I would not turn away from the decision I had made, nights were the worse they were cold even on warmer nights, I was born lucky in the sense genetically  I do not attract mosquitos, so that was not much of a problem, I would cut vines for water, but as the days went on and I had not eaten, I began to grow hungry, If you do not know the feeling of starvation, it is complete agony. I had to keep coming because if I quite everything that I had struggled for would mean nothing, I refused to give up. I remembered beginning to feel fevered after 5 days without food, my legs burned and I would more or less nap as I walked, winter was ending and leafs had not quite begun to grow again. What would I do? My mind began to go over the countless books and history channel episodes, desperate to find some solution to keep my body alive, I was desperate I ended up finding mushrooms, I figured if I died I hoped it would be quick, if they were edible I just might live because there was a lot of them. It ended up being a magic mushroom, while I am not happy to admit it I ended up tripping on stream water and mushrooms for about 2 weeks  I don’t even know what happened the entire time I was in those woods, but I had a lot of time to think, and decide for myself what I was going to do to fix my life, I knew I didn’t want to live the rest of my life hiding in the woods, I was not a coward, I was just tired of being pushed around, I stopped eating the mushrooms, and I through trial and error managed to catch a few squirrels and a possum, that fucker bit me I was tripping and I still felt it, got me protein. I decided I did not like killing animals for my own food so I used what one of the thing my home state of Ohio is known best for, farming  I would work from farm to farm, either planting pudding tasseling or harvesting, it was menial but proud work each day I made an honest pay, but it really sucked going backwards in my life, I met all kinds of people white people black people Mormons, I even stayed with a family who I only later discovered were all KKK members, this bothered me because my step brother is Philippian, but I could not deny what I saw in them, while their beliefs differed from my own, they were very polite very proud people, this changed something in me that while a person may be a different opinion or different background, it was this moment that taught me that everyone deserves and opinion, even if it is wrong, or misguided, or makes you wrong, that just because you are right does not mean that you are right.

It freed me from a lot of guilt I had been carrying, that because people did not share my view of the world did not make me wrong or them crazy, it just made us different, and when I thought about it it was not so bad, That family was the last one I stayed with.

I ended up going home but only long enough to apply for a job where I could help people, I knew I wanted to organize assistance for others who deserved it. There is plenty of sick or unfortunate people, but I did not want to help the crack heads or ass holes, I had spent most of my life being kind to all people and getting stepped on for it. I ended up getting a job with AmeriCorps but it was linked to fema so it was called Fema Corp, this job ruined my life it really made me hate the government it was the biggest waste of time in my life. They required us to do laps, and run excessively, which wasn’t a problem, it was just how serious they took themselves, if you asked them they thought they were God’s gift to the world, when in actuality it was just a bunch of paper pushers being trained to be door to door salesmen and if you said this out loud they became furious. So I kept my head low, I stopped complaining. I did my job, but one day I walked into the room I shared with one of my co workers and he had taken a orange piece of plastic and cut open his arms, he started screaming just begging me to go away and pretend I never saw anything . He wanted me to let him die, I could not do it, I walked up to him and he stood up and tried to push me away, I didn’t want him to bleed out, so I punched him out and took my hirt off and wrapped it around one arm then got another and to put on the other, I used tape in the room to keep the skin together and his blood from flowing freely. I saved that boys life my boss called me a hero, aid I deserved a medal I got a lot of congratulations, and thanks but not a few days later I was called into my bosses boss office and more or less told when the mans parents came to visit to keep my mouth shut or lose my job, I was not aloud to tell them their sun needed help and had asked for help, yet was told it would happen yet a month had passed without action and it resulted in him trying to kill himself. I am a prideful man but  That man needed help, I told his parents and was later thanked for it.

Or at least I wish I could say that, You see I was fired immediately, sent home. Only When I arrived back in Ohio I called my mom, she didn’t answer. Called my aunt and she told me she had told my mom not to talk to me, because according to her, my mom has been doing so well since I have left, that it would be best if I never came home at all. Turns out my aunt had, had no idea what my mom and dad, had done to me all those years. They were about ready to throw me in the streets. Luckily this time I was ready for her bull shit, I had a about 200 to my name, it’s not a lot but it’s all I had left, no college money left, just my last pay check from Fema, and another that I had no idea when it would arrive. I looked through the phone book while freaking out, I never once figured I would be fired for what I had done.

Yet here I was when it had finally hit me, in a airport at 1 am. Looking anywhere I could find for some hotel that was not full and within my budget. What would I do? How will I get through this? These were just some of the questions I had begun to ask myself. I’d lived on the streets before but of my own choice. This was different, it was winter I was in a area I was not familiar with, and I was almost certain I would not find magic mushrooms  randomly growing in the woods, if I did not find a hotel I was certain I would freeze. I settled for a motel 8, it was 40 bucks a night, the only cheaper one was known for doubling as a crack house, and I did not want to get involved in that. I paid the taxi driver about 15 bucks, and got into my room, cursing my mother to sleep. No job, No family, just me by myself, I was alone it was not farming season I had no fucking clue what I would do to get out of this pickle. So I slept on it. I woke up the next day with a slightly clearer head, First thing was first I needed some money. I had to pay for that day so I would not get kicked out of the motel, I needed food and I had to get a job as well as enough money for the rest for the rest of the week. I kept thinking why is she so unwilling to help me. Why would he throw me out? I did nothing wrong. Yet here I was left to suffer. If there is anything my mother did ;love. It was money she had no problem taking checks from me, or getting things she liked, So I sent her a call hoping she might answer this time. I had one this that she wanted, I did not want to part with it I had worked an entire summer for it. She could not use it because it had it insured and he thought insured meant restraining order, because I kind of made her think that’s what it meant.  I sold my 54 in plasma screen tv. I almost cried as I was forced to part ways with it and I had to sell it for 200 which only got me another week, but it did buy me some more time, I had to use every dollar , every moment to my advantage, I began walking miles and miles to collect job applications, I was applying to any job that I could get one from, any money was better than no money. When I was filling out those applications it gave me a lot of time to reflect on myself and my actions so far, was this karma? Did it really exist? My logical thinking mind tried to go 0over every moment of my entire life asking itself if this was possible, and I came to the conclusion that no it was not, karma did not exist, and it never will, the facts are that bad things happen to good people, and bad people regardless of your actions, you can kill a person today, get away with it and if you live a healthy life live out the rest of your days until you die of old age. This was not my fault. I did not have this coming, it made me smile, if in fact I was right, karma did not exist, then I could in fact overcome this with my resourcefulness, if a person can prove that I am not smart, then I improve myself until they acknowledge my relentless ability, If I am accused of being so lazy, then I will create something so spectacular, that they can only accept the conclusion that I spent the time being idle trying to figure out how I would create this masterpiece, It was my creed to always have a backup plan, to do whatever is necessary, in order to get to where I need to go. This was were either I end up on the street a month from now, or limp by until I get to a place where I can take a step up. I decided my relatives needed to know the truth so I told them the truth about my mom. At first they were all like, nooo she would never do that. Then eventually they started realizing it made more sense that my mom was that way rather than me only being that way whenever I was not around them, which used to be quite often. I got a call back from McDonalds, When I was 12 I told myself I’d rather suck a dick than work at McDonalds, I looked around to see if anyone was offering, then said yes I would love to work at McDonalds , Oh God do I look back at this part of my life with such hatred, It was not the place for me Either I was working too fast for them to keep up with me, or I was making too much after a rush to put out and they were throwing away more food that making it, but for the most part  I did well, my money had gone toward the room for the week and the next, so I had very little for food, try working full time at fast food while hungry, and I didn’t get free meals, I got like a 10% discount, I was broke I didn’t even have enough for the discount, so with each day I would come in I would get hungrier, and hungrier, and each day less and less energy. I called in ick on day and was fired do to the no sick days in the first 30 days, they were following protocol, and I was o hungry I was pissing out of my ass. Not a pretty picture I know, Just imagine how much it sucked for me. This is not an autobiography, this is my attempt to portray what I have concluded in my life thus far, but if I do not tell you how I came to this conclusion, you may think I’m a bit mad. I am possibly off a bit, but I am certainly not mad, I am a fighter. I will never give in when my cards are down. I win I conquer all that gets in my way and nothing will ever stop me, if an unmovable force is in my way, I will obliterate it. Obviously I am not homeless anymore. I am a welder, and I will start college again soon so I can finally get my teaching degree.  I have seen so much and learned a lot about myself as a person and the people around me. Here I was a man labeled autistic, yet it never once stopped me, Iv been also labeled bipolar add adhd. Yet never once had they provided proof other than conditional evidence. I was and still am a good person even though I no longer believe in Karma, I have been engaged and gone head to head with the Chicago mafia and got out alive, won 2 boxing matches and then later become a pacifist, yet through it all I still have so much more to do so many more people to see and hear their life stories and further develop my own. What I have gathered thus far, is you can have infinite darkness inside you put there by dark people, but it does not make you a bad person, you can be raised by the cruelest of souls and still overcome such darkness. No matter what happens in your life it is up to you as to what happens in your future. Only you can make the difference in yourself, and while at times it can seem Nye impossible to continue onwards, you must never ever give up. No matter what a person says to bring you down or does in a faulted attempt to hinder your cause, unless you are dead and buried into the ground do not give up. I I was walking down the street today and was murdered were I stood, I would die having no regrets, even though I wish to live until old age, immortality would be nice but so far is not a option, I can die today without any regrets whatsoever I am entirely content with the life I have lived so far and I would not trade it for another in all the world.

Every day I look around at the people who judge others and bring them down and I only feel pity for them because all they can feel is darkness but I see the light in everything I see the truth. I only need to discover what it is I am meant to do with it. Each day I add a new page to my overall story, discovering new things meeting all kinds of unique and beautiful people, even the bad ones are beautiful because it is new, and I can understand how their piece fits into the larger picture. My only wish is to be able to teach this kind of vision to the world so they can see how I see a complete picture were all the colors blend together in a perfect way. I probably sound so cliché but I mean every word, I aim to change the world in a major way, as an American I am more than aware how blindingly prideful we can be, and at times we become oblivious to those who suffer around us, or right next door to us. No matter what happens I have to have hope, that even if Karma does not exist that it is still possible to do something about all this anger and mistrust, that somehow I can do something so different from somebody else, or so unique that maybe, possibly I have what it takes to do something to reverse this darkness in the world, or at least discover the person who will, or discover the person who will discover the person, even such a menial discovery in itself would be quite miraculous. I already and an adult, yet I have only just begun to dream

My name is Tim I have autism but it is not a disability, it is my super power.