Story -

Bachelorhood To Cast Thy Die Fore

Bachelorhood To Cast Thy Die Fore

     Any resemblance between this author, chosen one, lover boy, sweetheart, and other Endearments larded out to me, that same aging (rubber baby buggy bumper bye Jeeves) boomer groom got raised amidst Norwegian Bachelor Farmers.
     Those latter laborious, numerous, and prodigious hearty immigrants hailed from Sweden (IKEA you not). 
     They practically co-opted countless acres of verdant prairie land in close proximity to Lake Woebegone (from whence, he and a very far off Broadway dame eloped).
     They found each other to be near perfect matches.
     Hence mulch positive titillating turns of events took place asper (a low key fanfare for this common young man and vestal virgin gal), both availing to be the milch of human kindness to the other.  
     Therefore nada iota of objection arose (actually the strapping lad – who name omitted for the sake of anonymity) basked (like a hooded Robin) when given permission to accept this milkmaid, where yours truly carried the pail.
     Thus, quit soon after their pseudo arranged blind date, there occurred immediate breastworks for a shotgun wedding.
     This character (yup – name still withheld) attributes the courage to bring, bolster, and buck comb married primarily on account of his diet of powder milk biscuits and secondarily to raw bits.
     Yet truth be told, the innocent naïveté, he betook to be some pure, rare, and supreme unsullied female, this lovely lass in truth escaped becoming a bartered bride (with a LVIII year old middle aged man – who infrequently showered, sported a shock of unkempt, matted, and greasy hair) arranged to take place during typical summer July day at Zerns Auction, the focal point where congregate within Perkiomenville, Pennsylvania.
     She (whose christened nom de plume also omitted for privacy protection) bolted as soon as a spontaneous scheme presented itself.
     Though young and unlearned, these lass possessed that je nais Sais quois of a Seventh Day Adventurer.
     A dart hurled at a map of the continuous United States determined the destination. Hence Lake Woebegone suddenly experienced a population boom.
     Ache kin to this wayward pseudo nymph, there arose a raucous, salubrious tete a tete between two youngsters, who would most likely not meet otherwise.
     The honeymooners untrammeled, uneducated, and unbridled love promised acclimating without a hitch accommodations the size of a Fingerhut size abode placid foursquare fancyfeast meals a day.
     Within scant time, they would beget a plethora of prodigious Progeny, which offspring exhibited an immediate prolific potential per Physiology and Anatomy of their preferred gender.
     After withstanding endurance of two plus decades, the novelty of wedded bliss lost luster.
     The mister felt bruitted, hamstrung, and yoked by his being driven into the ground, hectored about insufficient production, and lorded over with parochial quintessence, resoundingly slavish, and torturously undergoing vexation (with constant contention) about tender loins (where one after another Tumblr came out) from the missus prolapsed private parts.
     Under that general pretext he admittedly concocted, entertained, and hatched an egg goon eyes zing strategy to unburden himself from the endless chores demanded of a farmer in the Dell, which every yikyak from the mother of his children compiled grist for the Mill by the Floss.
     Awareness prevails that there could be real life personalities LivingSocial as actual persons match ching the above rough character sketch. This exposition arose in part with reality as perceived by yours truly in tandem to opposing notions of a BuzzFeed ding existence as footloose and fancy-free.
     If perchance any reader deduces an immediate conclusion to being the portrayed figment of thine overactive imagination per se, tis purely interwoven with what will soon be supplemented as homicidally gruesome, fiendishly eerie, and damnably potentially coincidental aspects toothsome long in the tooth actual husband and wife.
     Thus, I humble apologize for laying figurative tracks that describe ye (dear reader) may be known and/or related, and swear on a stack of Bubble Wrap, aye delightfully contrived, though brutally attest within thine soul, this missive to be totally fictitious.
     Therefore, this hog ga trots along merrily, where life appears to be a woe van dream of devilish horror, lash por tush xing stage door left.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Parallel to the above small potatoes, a totally tubularly divergent fiasco played out.
     Reincarnation may be sketchy to the world of science, yet this chap lived both lives separated by the space/time continuum of immense millennia, where the latter embossed his destiny with a Slow Walk keen find companion known as Melania.
     Herewith the context ratcheted up from agrarian stoop labor to nobility, which doth not lack for intrigue, as the initial sentence will profess, yet impossible for corroboration, collaboration, or your favorite pied piper cobbler.
     The bloodied knife lay close to my dead wife.
     This king and (or rather as) I dealt mortal deathblows (more than necessary) that didst trickle, puddle, and lap the life source of her now deceased majesty across the beige carpeting.
     Said plush matted jeweled handsome wall to wall priceless florid cladding for floor (score and seven years ago…) came as a prized, prioritized, and priceless wedding gift bestowed upon her (late) majesty.
     Such interior-decorating ambience delicately, delivered, and delineated faux “grotto” vizier royal queenly boudoir for the now recently deceased.
     Death now upended, triumphed, and superseded royal quintessential primogeniture oligargy.
     A nagging thorn in the figurative side, that the heir Barron best not trump the crown, especially since Plenti doubts persisted that said ten year old slyly sired by a stoned commoner, whom the now dead mistress to the unknown Jack a Napes huckster received a modest reward.
     No doubt this addled brained, egghead feigned, and idiotic joke er lacked the stamina and staying power of some young bucking bronco.
     Plus rumors circulated far and wide inside and outside the kingdom that thee who inherited the porcelain throne lacked for adequate flagellates.
    Nefarious, malicious, and laborious killing jarred immense hallowed ghostly fidelity existent during courtly bailiwick what seemed like ages ago.
     Meanwhile, a crimson red delta handily splayed like traced “turkey” fingers infiltrating cream-colored florid coat. 
     An overhead chandelier fielded grotesque hideous kisses.  
     Vicious unanimous tumultuous spookily rapacious quotidian black parade
     Parade masqueraded (Isis specked hid) loosely kleptomaniacs to steel the soul asylum.
     Judgement out weighted hated versus goodness, fiendish evildoers capered brutishness. 
     All the while blood red stained deftly wrought whispery whimpering warning vindictiveness. 
     Tinder regal spirit repeatedly quoted psalms kindling, ordaining, and snapchatting nefarious this atheistic murderer breathed a contented sigh of relief viz lifelessness.
     Innkeeper jabbered inviting hocus gurgling as a ploy to distract me toward tracking down (even if 724 seconds + 724 minutes + 724 hours….724 millennia) required to zero in on the stinker.  
     Glistening gargoyles blinkered eyes coalesced, glowed and linked gruesome frisson indiscriminately fueling collide ding higgs boson, which radiated analogous to a black hole sun named Chris Cornell from sole flickr ring lamp, which illumination lit enmity demonstrated clearly before anarchy coated blood red targets on par with bags of tricks from Grimm brothers novel cruelty sans dirty deeds done dirt-cheap while traveling along the Highway to Hell.
     Not far afield audibly, barely, croaky discernible, fading fast, gasping gar gull ling wails from wanton stabbing victim came as justification to me from childishly fondly irritating and laughably ostensibly ribbing this papa bear. 
    Now to flashback and fill in some of the figurative gaps. Consider the following paragraphs essentially as an ex post facto brief preface, and an attempt to recapitulate a long overdue, ploy, and quest to execute modus operandi i.e., thine death per the missus. 
     Such necessary (albeit cruel edict grabbed innermost Kant mandated within the Im manual and manifesto conditions whereby the figurehead frequently whose bust gets mounted atop a fountain – in concert with Atlas Shrugged on quantifiable Shutterfly Uber Wii th a Yahoo) took place at the hands of this pure blood descendent sans Yankee from Olympus justifiably met her demise on account of talking loud (to thee younger princess begot between us), and more egregiously, cuz she playfully prodded and poked me (analogous to cooking on a rotisserie) while I slept.
     Hence, upon waking, an uncontrollable torrent seething rage quaked. Punishment onto nincompoop married louse kindled. Judicious invocation held grandfather emblem. Dull crude blade answered zeal. A blind cool driving enmity fueled gustatory hatchet intent. Justice kneaded linkedin mission.
     Lizzy Borden easily unthroned!
     Notion of placating quest re: slashing the ultimate vein wrought zest.
     Unearthed violence rarely expressed. Neither regret nor sorrow existed at frenzied howling jabbering killing spree that overtook me.
     No matter the impending imprisonment, the status of bachelor filled thy bosom with euphoria.
      Damn, how cool Lee, and grand the freedom (even when incarcerated) to experience total absence of a nagging, hen-pecking, and annoying wife.
     Though this heterosexual no Casanova, Don Juan, nor Cupid, et cetera, the sheer delight to be exempt from attending to basic instinctual needs found reason for this middle-aged baby boomer to exalt and feign quaffing a strong tonic.
     Actually, the auto da Fe schedule to be carried out for punishment outrageously jailed hell-bent action brought upon myself.
     Justification and logic manifested within my formerly contentious being for the murder of thy now lifeless spouse predicated on experiencing incessant disruptions (sans see top most paragraph) when in deep sleep. 
     Any interruption affected me with villainous redundant opprobrium, that oft times lasted the better part of that day, and even for a fortnight!
     No premeditation per allegedly committing fatal intractable lurid offense rose under xing appeal driving goal jettisoning mate.
     This notion to be free and reduced from what (I considered an arduous chorus essaying gagging infinite kept mandates) obligated quintessential singular ugly wrathful yipping action.
     Within my mind, a tipping point got attained than surpassed according basic claims to destroy execrably grotesque implanting kissing murderous odious qualified slashing times umpteen viciously wicked yoking albatross.
     Not one iota of regret, sadness, or tenderness occurred after completing this unplanned yet thoroughly vibrant reductio ad absurdum validity to rid this married now wonderfully widowed welcomed reo speed wagon.
     No explicit motive regarding adultery, dalliance, gregarious illicit kickstarter naked philandering rodomontade utter wifeless yearning, although the revelation partaking nymphomaniac lust, jangled hedonistically freeing damned bacchanalian antics.
     Internet foray i.e. sexting preceded the atrocity mentioned above soon after I acquired a Compaq desktop approximately at the most recent fin de siecle. Hours got whittled away drawn to the vast panoply of pheromone packed orgasm needled multitudinous ladies.
      Bloodhounds, Grey Hounds, and Trailways got unleashed when just the merest diaphanous square unwittingly stumbled upon by ne of the domestic servants.
     The discovery came via the Appian Way or so called since this empire of sorts a replica i.e. miniature version of Rome during the glory days.
    Well, a garden the specific individual who noticed an unusually sheerest edification when maintaining the hedgerows. He pocketed the find and planned to arrange for a private meeting with the oft times moody, standard and poor posture perambulating Das Dear Leader.
     Long and fostered story made short brought together the smartest sleuths within these parts, and many exchanges of ideas generated a profile. Rather dan dee him that got fingered as the prospective paramour and biological father of the Prince. I rather not disclose that information duet to tenor so years in the gallows with nothing but thin gruel and scummy water.
     Unanimous Guilty verdict expedited a stealthy strategy to stake out the cocky doodle dude, whose prurient excesses became legion, and no doubt other women sought this overly endowed troubadour to indulge their supposed Puritanical shenanigans.
     As free lance row man a clef sleuth, a nada so impossible mission took hold of me fancy to locate this Lothario, more so for tips on how to become a more effective lover and active listener, when in the throes of coitus.
     Since many leisure hours available to this troubadour (whose mental health issues vis a vis vulnerability to anxiety, behavior bespeaking compulsive/ obsessive, panic attacks, plus schizoid personality disorder to boot allowed, enabled and provided ample hours to mosey along whatever frosted road not taken mine curiosity felt drawn.
     As attired with schlepper ware and a jumbled, matted, and pseudo plaited hair (infrequently washed and less often i.e. never combed), no exceptional attention would this Dickensian character experience hard times.
     Since nary a handy dandy blues clues idea sans habits of thy quest, a general commingling amidst the madding crowd hence found this lean tramp (with just the slightest onset of equatorial bulge – a unpleasant side effect from one or more of the half dozen or so prescription medications re: magic pills produced by global pharmaceutical companies), these feet trod where commoners most often glommed together.
     Since this secret propensity to zero in on one person among millions, a thought arose to envision thyself as sought after subject. His traits made the tabloid publications merry with endless figurative food for fodder.
     After assimilating an array of resources (to acquire as balanced new hunts as possible) in tandem with thee best artists rendition extrapolated from social antics of this deceptive Houdini like philanderer (and said stranger at large possessed the fixx, knack, and pussy riot quark to enchant even the most attentive audience of women, and/or just one humble lass), his rhythm method found me envious to master techniques to tantalize a pleasing female to me.
     Once a mindset attuned to the charisma, dogma, and persona of this low key mandate many females found themselves tripping over to access, I commenced interacting with deference, honor, and linkedin patience hoping a gal would be sparked to perk up a sais nais sais quois romance with this errant knight.
     Such modesty came natural, and lathering on flattery less appealing, although an honest to dog compliment paid to a fancyfeast feminine fricassee, yet no ulterior motive instigated prior audacious, capricious, or efficacious goals.