Depression of the Fantastic Kind

What happens when you listen to the voice of peer pressure and fold like a lawn chair in the face of it?

Halfway in you feel great, wide awake, ready to make a rolling stone look fake. But then things change, your friends aren’t the same, they sound different when they say your name. You think it’s the game , but when you wake up the next day, everything stays the same. Super paranoid now, like every person in your whole life deceived you, their life stories and all of your memories seem neatly contrived, scripted, worthless, and pointless. You forget why you live and wonder if this is going to be how you die. Depressed, you can’t trust anyone, they might be someone else, you clam up you talk to no one, they will all say you are losing it, what happened, are you on something? Better to keep all those ugly thoughts in your head, but you desperately want answers, why does the world appear different, why does word someone says get overanalyzed, judged, measured and weighed now? Why now when you hear advice from loose acquaintances, it’s as if they know exactly what you are thinking? The days turn to weeks, the weeks to months, sleep chases you, happiness runs away from you. You see a doctor, take meds for depression, delusions, but no relief comes. You search deep in your memory banks, reliving conversations years past with everyone you know. The guilt over the act deepens every day, the depression at the results of the decision are life changing, maybe life threatening. There is no one available who will understand your existence is planned from the beginning, that you are being led, that every action you take, in fact every thought you have, or decision come upon are not yours but those of someone in total control over every situation you face, even now. Noone is hurting you, but just knowing that you have spent your entire life like a very humble and gullible sheep is frightening to the point of madness now that the knowledge that you are not alone in the universe is here all around you. You think that you must have been abducted, you might be part of a secret government program, or you have already died, and this is hell. And then someone not looked upon for advice comes forth out of the shadows of monsters and hands you a book. He smiles and tells you that you are safe, and he also quells your shaking fear of the future. At the same time the wisdom he gives is verifying everything that has welled that impassible terror in your chest that is threatening to suffocate the very breath from you. You are being led down a path. You are not in control of your environment, your future, or your decisions. But the forks in that path can lead you by the choices you make. You realize that there have been people placed around you your entire life that helped you in ways you might not have recognized as important along the way to this epic revelation. You realize how foolish you were to doubt these people for doing anything but good by you, and you have regrets about not having made wiser choices earlier in life. And while things never change, your perception does, and you begin a new relationship with someone who governs your life without being worried who judges him. You read that special book every day, and find peace in the word.