Diary of a Schizophrenic

Hi, my name is Karianne. I chose to write this story so everyone knows my life. Most dates are not based on that same day, but they are true events. Please read and thank you if you do. 

February 2008

​​​​​​Today I feel a little weird. I mean I have cut myself before but I've never felt this suicidal. When my mom asked me if I wanted to go make ceramics with her, I declined. I decided since I was depressed, it would be best to stay home. I didn't think anything about it at the time, but I decided to sneak into the alcohol cupboard and poured myself a glass of Smirnoff. Suddenly, I lost control and drank the whole bottle. Then after, I drank a bottle of Apple Pucker. I don't remember much else. I just remember a friend constantly slapping my face, trying to wake me up. Nobody was home so I figured I'd do it, but then my sister and a friend came over and they saved my life. Immediately, they called my mother and 911. When the paramedics arrived, I remember spitting on them and throwing the F bomb. I then became unconscious again. When I woke up in the Emergency Room, I was told that I also took almost an entire bottle of Hydrocodone. I had surgery two months earlier so that's how I got my pain killers. They declared it was a suicide attempt and sent me straight to the mental hospital. I had just gotten out today and I still feel kind of shitty. 

March 2008

Today I was diagnosed with Depression. I feel that it wasn't the right diagnosis though. Oh well, doctor knows best. 

June 2008

​​​​​​Sorry I haven't written in awhile. A lot has been going on. But hey, I was right! I do not have depression. I actually have schizoaffective disorder, which is schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Well I hope that's the right diagnosis... 

August 2008

​​​​​​I talked to the doctor today because I wasn't doing good and he is sending me back to the mental hospital. Wish me luck! 

March 2009

Well, diary, it has been a very long time. So much has happened, but let's just leave it at that. Today I am moving to Oklahoma. I'm happy I'm leaving this shit hole, but I'm scared at the same time. I'm sure once I get used to Oklahoma, I'll be a lot better. 

April 2009

Oh my God. I hate it here. Complete culture shock. I go to school at Rattan High School and my first day I came in rocker clothes and everyone else had cowboy hats and boots. Lord, help me. 

June 2009

Even though I've made a few friends, I still cry every night. I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss Arizona. I'm not accepted here. I'm not liked or popular at all. I have a small circle of friends, guess I should appreciate though, right? 

August 2009

Back at school today. It was the first day of my Senior year, which should have been the best day of my life. Instead, it was the worst. I was teased all day and came home to find out that a guy posted a bunch of mean things on MySpace, making fun of me. I told the principal and he didn't do a thing. I told the teacher and, once again..
Nothing. I can't be myself at that school at all. 

September 2009

​​​​​​So far, all senior year I've been bullied, day by day. I'm wondering if it'll get any better. 

December 2009

Today is my birthday and it's a pretty good day. Well, gotta go! 

May 2010

Yes! Today I am finally graduating. So long, Rattan! You will not be missed. 

Summer of 2010

Today I just got out of the mental hospital. Not very fun. But I made friends, at least. 

April 2018

Okay, so I just got out of the mental hospital and I'm getting sick of it. Just to be short and sweet-my life has been an on and off nightmare these past few years. My grandpa died, my really close friend died and my favorite psychiatrist died. I've had on and off relationships but they all ended badly. My voices we're terrible, my hallucinations we're terrible and I've been so paranoid that I can't even go places. When my mom goes to Walmart, I refuse to go everytime. But I did meet a wonderful person there; my roommate, Tori. We both have problems but we keep in touch on a daily basis. Oh and I've started binging and purging. It's not right, but it's my version of self medication and self discipline. 

May 2018

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. At first I wanted to break up with him but when he did it, I fell to my knees, literally, sobbed until I hyperventilated. I'm still not over it. 

Present Day

I stopped binging and purging. My best guy friend, Beau, is helping me through everything I'm going through and I really appreciate it. He understands me more than anyone ever has in my life. And my best girl friends, Breanna and Tori, are helping me, as well. I love everyone in my life and I'm slowly starting to love me as well. Diary, I think this is the start if a beautiful new life. 
​​​