Does it Ever ?

We were in a garishly lit pub, which in my opinion is the best kind, when a friend jerked his arm back, then thrusted it forward causing the pint that was in it to slide in my general direction and crash into my open palm, which closed swiftly. He told me I needed to get it down my neck or something then started screeching for no reason, and with every screech he sounded more and more like the ringing of an electrical appliance. My eyes darted open and I realised the alarm clock was going off, explained the screeching- it was just a dream. Why was I dreaming about that? That’s one of the most boring periods of my life. I slammed my hand ruthlessly down on the alarm clock to stop it ringing – side note: one night I actually went to sleep with a lit candle right next to this alarm clock- my hand didn’t forgive me for a while. As boring as that dream was, it made me think about the past. I’m still friends with the featured guy but there are people I’ve grown apart from. There’ve been so many people I’ve just stopped talking to and vice versa for no reason, not on bad terms but the fact we’re not strictly friends anymore never bothered me. If I’d stopped talking to these people because of arguments I’d feel awful even though the result is the same. One person I’d stopped talking to and vice versa was, at least I thought, almost a girlfriend at one point. I was curious about how well we’d get along now so I added her on Facebook. When she accepted I decided that I’d get my point across in one message, which also featured the frequently asked question ‘how are you?’ .Even though I use it just like everyone else, I do feel like asking how someone is can seem pointless ,if they say they’re fine you move on, if they aren’t fine they explain why not and you’re unsure how to react and think to yourself ‘How long are they planning on telling me all these things before realising that me repeating aww I’m sorry actually doesn’t solve anything’. I think most people have been on both sides of a conversation like that. I requested a meetup and said that if she was on board, I thought we should give everything another try- for nostalgic reasons I even mentioned a game we used to play together on the good old PlayStation. I met her the next day in a cocktail bar, that much is true (sorry- I’ve had that song in my head for days). It was predominantly painted black with a visibly rough texture on the walls that reminded me on the sky on a very bad night, why am I describing this? I definitely didn’t have this developed a thought process at the time, no way I digested all these details, surely my mind was on other things. We talked for hours during which I tried to bring up gossip girl atleast twice because it’s such a good show .She didn’t leave which was a relief, infact if I was brandishing a replica of a medieval knights sword I’d have raised it up and shouted triumph! Such was my relief. We went back to my house immediately after- I forget who initiated that but I doubt it was me , a woman could put their tongue directly into my mouth and I’d still apologise for being too forward, it was a miracle I’d messaged her at all. She jumped onto my bed as soon as I opened the door leading to it and confidently said in a mock dramatic voice ‘let’s do this’. This came as a huge shock- I thought it’d take us decades to get to that stage and even then I was being optimistic. She eagerly lifted up a nearby PlayStation controller then said how much she’d be looking forward to this. When I told her I wanted to give things another try she thought I’d been referring to the aforementioned PlayStation game. I explained in about 5 minutes what I actually meant by my initial message and to my surprise she still hadn’t left, if I had a Viking helmet I’d have put it on and shouting victory! Such was my relief. We edged closer and closer to each other and then spent what seemed like an eternity talking to each other with our eyes directly staring into each other’s and our faces essentially touching, with each of us waiting for the other to kiss them but both of us worried that we’d seem weird if we initiated it. Finally one of us did and then we lay in my bed still essentially fully clothed but in comfortable embrace, or atleast I was. I feel like she’s growing increasingly uncomfortable, her grip on me loosened and her gaze changed directions more than it did before. I tried kissing her on more time but her response to it had very little effort. I wasn’t planning on saying anything along the lines of ‘look if you’re not uncomfortable you can go’ because not only did I fear that that’d be exactly what she’d do but also I thought ‘ If she’s uncomfortable she should be able to tell me without me having to ask first’. I was seconds away from doing what I explicitly told myself I wouldn’t and telling her that she can go if she wants when she moved in closer, ‘oh good, she does like me I was worrying for nothing’ were my liberating thoughts at the time. While looking directly at me she says ‘I’m really sorry but I think we might have rushed this, maybe I’ll speak to you sometime soon’ and then vacated my bed and left without looking back. I stayed lying there , I might have been there for hours and I never got any less confused about what happened, clearly it did not go well- but does it ever? .