Experimental story Part one.

   When life hates you, but it wont let you die.....

  I had never seen a gun before. I didn't expect the metal to be so cold.

I look around the room. As if my demons are watching me. As if they sense what I'm thinking.

I remove my clothing.
let the fabrics that cover my body fall ever so gracefully to my bathroom floor.

I look at the slices down my side.
Inflamed by infection.

I guess sometimes the knife doesn't cut deep enough.
You need a 12 gauge to finish the job.

I gulp. I don't even know how to hold a gun.
Is there a special way I'm suppose to do this?
Do I aim it at my throat?
I wanna make sure I die or am at least brain-dead.

I put the barrel in my mouth stairing at my naked skinny flesh.
I guess this is it.

Then I hear a knock.
I was almost happy.
I didn't smile but my frown shrunk.
was someone hear to save me?
Did someone care?

I peeked through the tee shirt.
It was Gene from the office.

Should I just pull the trigger now?
No, I don't wanna scar an innocent man for life.

I threw on a nightgown.
and put the gun in the silverware drawer.
I always looked half asleep naturally.
So the charade was not hard to pull off.
I open the door with the fakest grin.
And a little yawn for emphasis.
 

"Uhm Jess, I didn't know you lived in this apartment? "

I look stunned "I assumed you decided to come tell me to get my ass back to work."

"well, although I am curious what happened to you, actually no. My car got towed about 5 minuets ago and I needed to borrow a phone to call a cab."

surprised and relieved I allow him my phone.
He hung up very disappointed. His blue eyes seemed so sad.
"they wont have a cab to this side of town available til 3am."
"thank you for letting me borrow your phone."

He walked towards the door. It was pouring outside. I was about to off myself anyways. Might as well do one last good deed incase there is a heaven.

"well, uhm you can stay for coffee? Its pooring out."

we sat at the table and smiled. "so where have you been? we miss our numero uno accountant." I tried to be as honest as possible without saying anything too stupid that would get me thrown in a psychiatric ward. "I just didn't feel like it". He looked puzzled. "I guess you could say i'm sick."

He didn't question it. Maybe he thought I was having feminine issues.

I would lie and say I wanted him to leave. But I liked the human interaction.

"can I have a spoon to stir in this creamer?"

I smiled "yea sure. top drawer on he left."

Then I choked on my words.

"WAIT" I panicked. "You see I am actually starting work tomorrow again. So I need some rest. can you head out?"

he shook my hand and thanked me for the hospitality.

I felt bad for being hostile. I ran holding down my blue gown. "wait!" With my awkward blonde smile I said "Let me walk you outside.

it was windy. he held my hand.
I didn't know what to think.
Maybe I can live one more night to go home with the guy from work and have a little adult fun.I

The night was dark. the light pollution of new York usually eats the sky. But in some beautiful manor I could see orions belt shining from the heavens.

He and I made love that night.

I was so happy.

I walked outside after throwing on my garments and headed into the sidewalk.
He walked up behind me.

" was that just a one night stand or are we like a thing now?"

I gulped. I assume he saw the gaps that cover my body, or atleast felt them. But everyone self harms. What would happen if he knew the cuts where a little deeper.

Before I could retrace or consieve an answer mentally. I heard a gunshot.

I looked down and saw the blood. I put my hand over my mouth.

He was dead.

Who shot him? I didn't care.

He was dead.

A guy I barely knew survived the fate I had chosen but he didn't get the choice.

I ran up the steps of his building. tears streaming until my eyes swelled.

When I closed my eyes all I saw was RED.

I closed my eyes and unbuttoned my gown

and I didn't jump I just let go.

 I stood on the corner and went entirely limp.

As I fell with the wind in my face.

I waited for he white light

but all I saw was black