Happy Birthday

I am digging through my mind – looking for the right word; the word that will change everything back, the word that will save me. Come on, make a wish already! I look down at the candles that drip onto my name. I watch as it is covered with a pool of hot, hardening wax. Just like that, my name disappears… and just like that, I disappear. Snap out of it.

I close my eyes tight, with my fingers crossed, I whisper to myself, “Faith. I wish I could just have faith.” I open my eyes to find the wax still spilling from the tiny colorful sticks that surround the words, “Happy Birthday,----------”- a reminder that I am fading away… Not only from the cake, but from my life and everything I know. I release the air from my puffed up cheeks, extinguishing the flames that have ruined me. I repeat to myself one last time, “I wish for faith.” I make an attempt to picture what my life will be once this wish is granted, but I stay stuck on the thought of my nonexistence.

What have I done to become so forgotten? How did I get so lost? Too much time has been wasted... Waiting & wishing. Wishing for change, and waiting for someone else to make it happen. I can fix this. It isn’t too late. I’ll say what needs to be said, I’ll tell everyone how I feel. It will all be okay. I try to speak out loud to get everyone’s attention, and I choke on my tongue as it slides down my throat. I am in a panic, and I cannot find my thoughts in this tangled, worried mess inside my brain. My emotions are beginning to run dry. I have let myself down, and I have deserted my soul. This person sitting before my cake is not me. This body is no more than a pile of flesh and bone. A waste of blood, guts, and air. A waste of eighteen years. I am trapped outside of my skin. I am not welcome there anymore, not until I find what I have been searching for all along. Failures don’t deserve homes. I shudder at this idea, and my heart begins to slam against my ribcage.

BOOM…..BOOM…..BOOM…..

Excruciating pain. Breathe…

I am numb. I make a list inside my head of ways I can try to find faith, only to realize that it is impossible to find something that does not exist. Faith is not real. Faith is nothing but a hallucination. Something I made up in my own mind. ”Faith” will never exist. I walk toward my body, which remains seated, only to be dragged away. The room is dark and the only thing I can see is myself. I try again to get closer and I am pulled onto the floor. Lying only a few feet from where I am sitting, I reach for my frozen skin. My fingers are stretched so far that I fear they will snap at any second. My heart decides it is time for round 2, and strikes my ribs several times.

BOOM…..BOOM…..BOOM…..

I am drained. Out of breath. Out of energy. Out of life. Waiting… Wishing… But it is too late. I am already dead, & no one can save me.