Story -

Here's To You: A Great Many Thanks

To the boys who broke me, I raise a shot glass filled to the brim with the most expensive vodka out there and say “Thank you.” Make not that my thanks is not one that will lift you high on a pedestal or sing your praises from the rooftops. My thanks to you is announced steadily, while my hands tremor and my heart races.

Thank you for showing me what love is not.
You told me you loved me early on and whispered promises of the future late at night. You showed me a love that was not given in love, but in want to make me hurt the way you did.

I may still not know what true love is, or even know if it exists. But now I know all the things love is not, and I will not fall for those things again.

Thank you for abusing my mind.
You played games with me 24/7. I even let one of you boys play games for four years. Each of you made me think I was everything and lifted me on high, only to disappear without a trace, and return with half-assed apologies that I was more than willing to eat up.

I started my adult life with a weak, self hating mind, which I resented you for. For awhile. But I see now that you gave me an opportunity to have a stronger mind. One that will search for the negatives in new people and warn me.

Thank you for making me cry.
Do you know you made me cry? Do you know how often I cried? Or how long I cried? Or how silently I cried?

I learned the importance of tears. I learned not everyone deserves my tears.

Thank you for showing me my own rock bottom.
You took me and you broke me and made me hate myself. You made me not want to give a damn anymore and think that I was a waste of space.

Now I know I am worth something. I am learning to love myself again.

Thank you for breaking my trust.
I so easily gave you all my trust, hoping you wouldn’t break it. Hoping you were different than the last. Hoping that there were good people with good intentions in this world.

Now I know how to guard my trust.

Thank you for leaving me.
You left me when I needed you most. You left when I was weak and distraught, if you were even there to begin with.

Now I know not everyone who leaves is worth fighting for.

I say thank you to each and every boy who broke me. I realize now that you did not break me—you didn’t even come close. I realize now, each of you taught me a lesson and that you were here for one reason or another. So, I raise a shot to you and say “Thank you.” Thank you for teaching me who I am, what I am worth, and how to deal with assholes like you.

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