I think I remember: Loneliness

Lessons come hard in life and at fifty six you sometimes believe there aren't man to learn. Wrong.  The lessons you keep on learning is not to believe in anyone. Each time it slaps you in the face, its new. Because we tend to remember the time of pain, but not the pain itself we are constantly being rehurt.. Someone close dies or leaves and you wait for that comfort of a close friendship. Not the smarmy words or the clichés, you already know they don't help. That hand or arm that person standing beside you saying nothing, but you know they are there. When it does not happen, your heart suffers a double loss, not only the loss of the one who has left but the loss of friendship from the one who didn't care.

As the mind wanders, thru the years trying to seek the answers each occasion comes sharply to mind. Somehow, you begin to see what you thought was friendship or love or caring was only convenience for the other person and a friendship of one is lonely.

Each need they had you ran, not walked to be there. During the loss of friends or even a dog, during sickness and death, loneliness or sorrow. As you look back at each incident in your mind you see the friendship was only in your heart and not in reality.

so you mourn alone, without the support you thought would always be there. Mourning a double loss, which is the worse sorrow? It is hard to define, both are great losses.

In your mind you keep trying to justify what is happening, but its so hard to play mind games at a time like this. There isn't anyway to separate the tears or sorrow, the loneliness becomes increasingly stronger as each day passes and the truth becomes stronger. Finally you say I need a friend. the response is so painful you cry not because of the death of you loved one, although that is hard enough to bear but because you have to ask for a few minutes of time, ask, not receive without asking then the response is to think you want sex, or money, Now you know there is no understanding, you know there never was.

Eyes are opened, you see how one sided this so called friendship always was. Mentally or intellectually you knew it and did not want to see it. Caring and kindness somehow in the fog of wanting friendship that bad you ignored it all. It is important to have someone.

It doesn't seem to matter any more, the shock of loss from death or desertion have just taken one more notch from what was once a caring heart. It will be a harder heart now, a stronger one. It will be easier to accept the next loss as there will be no belief of support to be expected. The knowledge that grief must be carried alone and  trust can not be part of life will have encrusted itself in experience. When the shockwaves start to hit stand firm and allow them to be absorbed not shared and do not look for that shoulder to cry on, even if you do ask for a few minutes and get it, the knowledge that you had to ask and that they are counted show the real caring is not there, now it hurts even more.

So embrace the loss and loneliness, it is less painful than the reality.