I'm Sorry for Everything

I’m sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the person you want me to be. I’m sorry that I have so many sorry’s floating around in my head and when I do say sorry, I’m not really apologizing for what you think I am. I’m apologizing for everything else. Because I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
I’m sorry I’m not a good daughter. I’m sorry I can’t keep the house clean enough. I’m sorry that I have a tendency to forget about clothes in the wash and end up having to rewash them. I’m sorry the trash can has a tendency to be overflowing. I’m sorry I don’t do dishes until the sink is overflowing. I’m sorry I haven’t started cleaning out the basement, I’ve been really tired. I’ve been busy. I’m sorry I’m trying to blame it on you because you make me run errands. And I’m sorry I’m loud. I try to be quiet, I really do. I don’t mean to interrupt your TV shows either. It’s just that we have opposite commercials and I come downstairs when my show is on a commercial.
I’m sorry I’m not a good sister. I’m sorry that we’ve been arguing a lot. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I haven’t been myself lately. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time and I’m trying my hardest to be good but I’m going through a rough time, too. I’m sorry you don’t know that, though. And I’m sorry that I keep lying to you about my self harm. I’m sorry I’m lying about my butterflies and orange. I’m sorry that I’m keeping it from you but you’re not strong enough to handle it right now.
I’m sorry I’m not a good friend. I’m sorry I don’t like your boyfriend. He just gives me this bad vibe, but I’m trying to accept that you’re with him. It’s hard, though. I’m sorry that I’ve been a bitch lately. I just feel like I’m being pushed away. I guess my bitchiness is probably what is causing it but I’m sick of coming after your boyfriend. I’m sick of being the last choice. I’m sorry that I’m upset, though. I know I’m probably going to lose you if I keep this up.
I’m sorry I’m grumpy and bitchy. I’m not sleeping and I know that it’s my fault because I stay up late even though I know I can’t sleep in. It’s just that when I try to go to sleep, I have no desire to actually sleep. I’m afraid that the voices are going to come back and haunt my dreams. And I’m afraid that I’ll have worse nightmares. I know that’s not an excuse and I’m sorry I’m trying to make an excuse. It’s uncalled for. There’s really no excuse because the voices are in my head. 
I’m sorry I’m so fat. I’m trying really hard to lose weight without starving myself. It’s hard not to fall back into my old ways but I’m trying really hard. I’m sorry I’m not losing weight fast enough to feel comfortable enough to take Lane to the pool. I’m trying really hard, though, and I’ve been losing about half a pound a day. I’m sorry it’s not more and I’m sorry that sometimes my weight goes back up. I’m sorry I sometimes slip up and eat junk food even though I know it will just make me fat.
I’m sorry about the scars on my wrist. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted relief. I know that’s no excuse, but it’s the truth. It’s the goddamn truth. I just wanted relief from all the stress. I didn’t have time to write and I needed relief. I didn’t mean for it to go past a cut or two. I didn’t mean for it to actually be more than a scratch actually. I’m sorry I got addicted to the feeling. It was pain but it felt good because I wasn’t numb anymore and what pain I did feel wasn’t inside anymore. I had a reason to cry if I cut. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that you’re still paying off all my medical bills. I should have just sucked it up and dealt with the pain. I’m a wuss though and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry we owe the hospital hundreds of dollars. I’m sorry I had to be a pain and we had to go to several doctors. Part of the reason I haven’t said anything about what I’m going through is because I know it’ll just mean more doctors. I know we can’t afford it. I know we can’t afford to go from doctor to doctor only for them to tell us that they don’t know what’s wrong with. I mean, it’s all in my head, right? I’m sorry we’re broke because of me.
I’m sorry I fake smiles. I know I have no reason to be upset. I mean, we’re better off now right. This loan we just got paid off most of our bills, right? Business is picking up and the restoration shop is picking up, right? I mean, I have no reason to fake smiles or be numb. I have a good life so there’s no reason for me to be upset. I’m sorry I am, though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. I’m sorry I got myself into this mess. I’m sorry you’ll never see this and you’ll never know how sorry I am. I’m sorry I’m just going to keep on going as if nothing has changed. I’m sorry I’m going to go on being a bad daughter, sister, and friend. I’m sorry I’m going to go on struggling to lose weight. I’m sorry I can’t get rid the scars on my wrist. I’m sorry I can’t pay off the doctor bills myself. I would if I could. I’m sorry I’m going to go on being numb. I’m so fucking sorry for everything.