A Letter to You

            I think I knew months ago that our friendship was over. Things between us hadn’t been the same for months. We always fought and we were never speaking. I rarely saw you outside of school, and if I did, it was because I was doing something for you. You were tearing me to pieces and I was always turning to my mom to pick them up. And it killed her to have to do that. It killed her to see me hurting so badly. But I just kept coming back and getting hurt all over again.

            I keep trying to figure out where it went wrong. But in all honesty, I don’t think there was one certain point where it actually went wrong. I think the years of your tearing me down finally broke me. I stopped caring if I pissed you off, because I was always pissing you off. And it was always over something stupid. I would make jokes that you didn’t like or I would do something for me that you didn’t like. If I missed school, you wouldn’t talk to me for days, except for when my sister’s dog died. You didn’t get mad at me for that one. But you had been mad at me the week before for having the flu because you were sick too and you did nothing but text me whining. It got to the point that I just had to laugh when you were mad at me because it became so frequent. All of our other friends thought it was horrible that it had gotten to that point. And they were right.

            I should have noticed something was wrong when you started putting me down to my face. You would sit right beside me and put me down for not helping with your dreams. I tried my hardest but that just wasn’t enough for you. It was always “If Shelby ever put those videos on YouTube…” or “Shelby’s always too busy to help me.” You didn’t hear me when I tried to argue that I didn’t have three hours to sit and wait for YouTube videos to upload and you always chose to ask me to help you with stuff on days I had already told you that I had stuff going on. Either you wanted to make me look bad or you just didn’t listen. It was probably the latter because you looked me in the eye more than once and told me you didn’t listen to half the stuff I said. Then you’d get mad and claim I never told you about something. Do you understand how much that hurt me?

            You were always treating me like I was a complete idiot. You knew more about what was going on with teachers and I was wrong even though my information came from my aunt who is a teacher. And if I tried to argue you put me down to the point that I was almost in tears. You knew everything, you thought. But you know what the best part is? I’m a year ahead in all my classes and even though I struggled with physics, I never feared failing it. I’ve never really feared failing a class. You’ve actually failed several because you just won’t try. It’s too much work to try, you’ve said it before. And I know things about life that you’ve never had to deal with. I know a lot of things that I hope you never have to know, but you know everything. That’s how you act and it’s really hard to put up with.

            The best, though, is that I’m not allowed to be unhappy. If I’m even a little bit unhappy, it’s like it’s a crime. And while it’s not just you that seems to have this opinion, you’re definitely the worst when it comes to saying something. You make a big deal out of me just getting the least bit irritated. And when I go off, you won’t speak to me. You’re always mad or irritated or something but I don’t get mad at you for it. And even if I do, I don’t let you see. I have to be happy to please you. Do you have any idea how draining it is to pretend to be happy all the time?

            And I am so damn sorry for that day I blew off your nightmares. But the night before was one of my worst nights. I got maybe three hours of sleep and I was terrified of my own reflection. And when you asked if I ever had nightmares that freaked me out so bad I couldn’t sleep, I replied with “every flipping night.” And you tried to continue and I had no desire to talk about it. I know that pissed you off and it hurt you. I’m sorry for that. But I did have reasons; I didn’t want to be sitting in school reliving those goddamn nightmares. And I’ll admit I was insanely jealous that your boyfriend told you to call him every time a nightmare woke you up. I have no one to call. Not even you because you would be pissed that I woke you up. But you know what? I’d let you call me in a heartbeat. And I would answer the phone and stay on it with you until you weren’t scared anymore. You would never do that for me.

            I may have known months ago that our friendship was over, but I kept giving you more and more chances. You once asked me why I kept giving another friend chances and I replied that I didn’t know. But I do know. I didn’t think it was fair to give up on her when she hadn’t hurt me near as bad as you had and I was still giving you chances. I finally stopped giving you chances. I gave you one last chance and you blew it big time. I just wanted you to text me about my mom’s surgery. You knew she was having surgery, at least, I told you. I’m not so sure you were listening. But you never asked when or what exactly was going to happen. And even though she updated her Facebook status to tell people how it went, you didn’t acknowledge it. Thirty-six hours later, after you saw us in Walmart while my mom was wearing her sling, you finally texted me. You asked how she was doing, I replied with “fine” because I didn’t have it in me to try. You didn’t ask questions, didn’t press for more information, you just said “good.” And that was it. It was too little, too late.

            I realized today that we are no longer best friends. Chances are, our friendship is over. Things are never going to be the same between us again. I’m not saying you were totally to blame, because I did things, too. But you hurt me. I don’t trust people easily and I’m even more hesitant to trust people now. You blew it. You ripped me to shreds. You left me struggling to hold it together. But you know what?

            I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be just fine without you. It’ll hurt for a while, but I’ll be okay. I don’t need you. I’ve got so many people on my side now, people who know the secrets I haven’t been able to tell you. And I don’t need you. I’m going to be okay.