Irrelevant Musings Of The Everyday Human Chapter 3 - At Least I'm not Arrogant

Credit where it’s due, I am fully aware that I’m a very unique human. Most, if not all humans have at least one likeable quality- I don’t. I am not charming, witty, friendly and moral, attractive, strong, brave or indeed adequate. Though I’m sure I do experience moments where I’m some of those things. You know, sometimes (not often), basically never-actually, no I’m none of those things… ever. My life is essentially a retelling of King Midas in which the King Midas figure (me) is cursed with the ability to make everything he touches turn into excrement as opposed to gold. Not even golden excrement either- which simply enhances the disappointment. I can enter a room that according to what I could hear was previously one laden with joy and general friendliness and sense the positive energy fading when my presence is noted. Not that it ever is of course. Next time I walk into a room or find myself embroiled in a group of people I will somehow magically produce a match and use it to set fire to myself just to see if it catches anyone’s attention. Not only will it prove my point it will also end in me being significantly more attractive. I have just realised that assuming I did that I would indeed get noticed- someone would use me to light their cigarette. You know what would be particularly tragic about this? Said person wouldn’t have previously been a smoker, they’d have taken up the habit in order to make use of my burning body. The match I would use to engage in the act would be higher on the social chain than me. Sometimes when I walk into a room I feel like I’m the masque of the red death. Actually, I doubt I would be – according to Poe he at least had a nice costume minus the horrific mask. Aha! A horrific mask, I could always use one of those to make myself look more appealing. I’d consider ending everything but I’d even find a way of doing that wrong. Then again, maybe that’s a positive, a failed attempt at offing ones self would give me something to tell people about at parties. At the moment, and on the rare occasion I am indeed invited to a party I’m tempted to break the ice with this particular line:

“My name is irrelevant there are several switches in my house that I’m too afraid to turn on in case I make the world explode, I’m a scumbag and I apologise for making the energy leave the room when I entered”

I should perhaps insert the fact that contrary to their potential belief, I am not actually the masque of the red death- just in case there’s some confusion. The only room I go into that I expect will remain generally happy even after I enter will be the one that my funeral takes place in. Though of course it’s easy to maintain the general mood of a room that only has about 2 other people in it. Apart from a priest, the only other attendant would be someone who showed up falsely believing there to be bagpipes or indeed free cake, and leaving upon discovering neither would be offered- not before requesting to urinate into the coffin of course. Don’t worry though folks, the next chapter’s going to be hysterical, I might get killed off. Ok no I won’t, I’m the one writing all these things so I’ll be around for quite some time (Or will I ? hehehehehehehee, yeah I will, I won’t die….or will I? mwhahahaha- yeah I don’t think so…Or do I? Hahaha. No I don’t) .Wow this is all very depressing- can you imagine how much worse this would be if I watched that EastEnders program. I’d like to think these are feelings that everyone has sometimes, but if that was the case then my original statement about being a unique human wouldn’t even be true. Even in my most positive moments I’m still aware all of this is true- It’s just easy to ignore (bit like me in that sense). I wish  I was crafted as one of those people who forms natural connections with other people as if it were a superpower albeit one that was useless for crime fighting. Well, in fact maybe an ability like that would be prefect for crime fighting the hero with that power could say

“Come on now, bank robber geezer, you seem like a nice chap let’s go for a pint”

The bank robber overcome with joy at being invited somewhere would drop his gun and run over at which point the hero would place the bank robber in a deathly grip that would subdue the robber and allow the police to continue the procedure as they are meant to.

How did I even arrive at that subject? What was my original point? Oh! Now I remember, I was lamenting on how I wish I was charismatic. I also wish I was one of those people who is seen as an intolerable nerd but is noted by all to be exceptionally attractive when they put on nicer clothes- that would be great, imagine the impact that such an attribute would cause. But alas- I am neither one of those things and I am indeed nothing else positive. I am essentially nothing.

Well, in conclusion to this mildly philopshical monologue I have realised something slightly admirable about myself : At least I’m not arrogant.