Irrelevant Musings of The Everyday Human- Chapter 5 : Out of Context

~~Even if I lived forever and witnessed every single wonder of the world, I would never get used to seeing people out of context. By this, I mean, happening upon someone you’re acquainted with in a totally different situation from that in which you normally find them. Something about these kinds of encounters seem uneasy, forced and insincere. A conversation under these circumstances can become incredibly strained, feature incredibly long pauses. They also simply seem to end before one of the participants firmly but apologetically says “Look, I’ve got to go”. Encounters like this are best completely avoided if possible. If I see a person out of context before they see me, avoidance will be enforced. Even when I like the person, if I don’t know them particularly well, I don’t feel like I have the right to enter their everyday lives when they weren’t expecting me too. A triumphant example of one of these instances happened fairly recently.
           If I remember correctly it was an incredibly warm day. I can’t remember feeling warm but I do distinctly recall thinking to myself, while in something of a trance “If I could, I would definitely walk around with only swimming shorts on today” which is probably something I would only think if I was warm. That said, the more I think about it, the more I realise I’ve pondered that exact same concept on several occasions, regardless of weather. I remember almost every one of my disconnected thoughts during those moments, and how they eventually lead to me pondering whether beavers could technically be trained to become spies. I also remember that it was during that thought that I caught sight of someone I’d seen several times before, lingering aimlessly in the near distance. The person wasn’t one I knew especially well. I’d talked to him a few times and we liked a lot of the same things, but there was always at least a third mutual friend present in those instances.
          In order to avoid being recognised I pulled a magazine urgently from a stand, opened it and buried my face within its pages. I wondered whether it was possible, if I stayed in this position long enough, to be sucked inside the magazine and forever trapped in a two dimensional world. In this world I’d be forced to jump from page to page, with floating words eternally surrounding me and the ever lurking fear I’d eventually be bought and later ripped into shreds. After I’d stayed suspended in this position for a few minutes, I started to wonder if other people present were staring while I hid behind the opaque pages. Admittedly, there are stranger sights to see than a person with his head embedded in the contents of a magazine, but the concept of people judging and looking was still incredibly plausible. I lowered the magazine cautiously and then begin to think about how dramatic it would be if when I lowered it, there was no head present, imagine how crazy that would be for people to behold?. It was then when I realised that the concept of an invisible head was one that appealed to me, almost as much as the concept of having a gigantic apple for a head, which would also be glorious.
 I realised the acquaintance I had been attempting to avoid was no longer anywhere to be seen. This was a relief. This meant I could carry on shopping and just hope that I didn’t run into him again. I found the walk over to my destination (the bread and bakery isle) was monotonous for the time it lasted. During it, I imagined the placards that suspended from the ceiling to act as isle markers taking the form of fully functioning cardboard eagles and flying me to the designated area. While at the bread isle, examining the cakes that had been an ulterior motive for journeying there, I noticed the aforementioned acquaintance. He was once again firmly placed within my general visual line. I was still determined to avoid conversation, in spite of the fact I felt no malice or otherwise ill feeling towards him. I just didn’t know him well enough to converse and the setting was less than appropriate. I attempted to make myself look as though I had a purpose, I violently withdrew my phone from my pocket and placed it next to my ear. I’d used this trick a lot of times before, though never usually to avoid people, it wasn’t something I did frequently and still isn’t. Usually when I pretend I’m speaking on the phone it’s because I’m in fact talking to myself but don’t want bystanders knowing that I do that. I discovered that I used that trick for nothing. He didn’t even seem to acknowledge my presence, not even fleetingly with an accidental glance. I’ve noticed that people don’t notice me. Maybe I’ve been granted that invisible head I longed for.

 I feel like that above mentioned trick (I do use that term slightly generously) needs some context, if you will, some ‘history’. I started performing that trick when I was about sixteen years old and the first time I tried it I ironically ended up looking even stranger. Anyone who was listening to that particular false phone conversation would have acknowledged that it began as a discussion of armadillos being aliens and ended on the topic of xylophones coming to life and playing themselves to scare off evil spirits. I have no idea what they must have thought the person on the other side of the phone was saying. I haven’t been sixteen for a few years now. That’s pretty depressing, in my head I’m still about five.
 I took that entire chance meeting completely off my mind and wandered with only some degree of consciousness to the DVD section. It didn’t take me long to figure out this was probably a mistake. I had no intention of buying anything other than essential household items like food and hairspray (which naturally I wouldn’t be combining since I have some sanity). As soon as I was reminded that DVD’s existed I’d be tempted to blow some more money on them.  I heard a hectic cacophony that on proper listening turned out to be two people having a conversation about superheroes. I left the area before they continued the conversation. I couldn’t join in because of my principals yet the subject was one that enthralled me, leaving the area seemed like the best option.
 I left the DVD section as the sound of ‘Kiss from A rose’ by Seal forcibly engulfed the air in an almost mystical manner. Granted, a CD player was involved in making this possible but I’d rather forget that fact and make the whole thing seem mystifying.  I can’t express how glad I was that this happened. I began to sing along to the calm, passionate vocals in my head, and halfway through realised I’d actually been singing aloud the entire time. I have no idea why but that was far from the first or indeed last time that’s happened. I was initially disappointed upon discovering the song wasn’t sung by an actual seal. If it was, it would’ve helped prove my theory that they, as a species in general, are creative geniuses. I know for a fact that I can’t jump through hoops or make bicycle horns sound musical.
 Then, for the third time, I saw the aforementioned acquaintance. I felt like I should abandon my principals about avoiding this sort of meeting and just approach him now. By that point, attempts to avoid awkwardness had probably made the entire scenario even more awkward. If he’d noticed me at some point, he would no doubt say, while conversing with one of our mutual friends “Can you guess who ignored me when I was out shopping? Your weird friend!”
“Weird friend?!” I thought “How dare he call me such a thing after only three meetings! He can forget me coming over to him now- oh wait, he hasn’t actually said any of that, I’ll let him off”.
 I remember thinking to myself “I might shake hands with him if he initiates it, but I will not resort to a masculine hug”. I never do, not even in a parallel universe where I’m a womble voiced by James Earl Jones, I do not liberally administer masculine hugs. I swiftly walked towards him, in my attempt to hide the fact I was slightly uncomfortable I may have ended up walking slightly carelessly.
“You alright mate?” I cheerfully enquired when close enough. After looking at me for what seemed like a century he asked
“Do I know you or something?”