It ends while I watch the rain

It was raining outside, the kind of rain which feels like it’s raining nails that can pin you down to the ground, the kind of rain that render your umbrellas useless. I’m watching the rain through the window. But I’m sure you’ll be more interested to know about the pool of thick red liquid spilled on the floor around my couch than about the rain outside. I’m lying with a slit on my wrist that slowly adding more red to the ground.
One drop after another… Slowly counting down the time. The pool of blood on the ground gradually expands its territory. I guess the question you all have now is “Why the hell did I decide to kill myself?”
Well, it wasn’t a sudden decision. Before all of this I was ignorant. I was so happy like a damn fool. It’s true you know… ignorance is bliss. Then suddenly something happened. It was her.
She was pretty and small. I looked at her move like a dancing light of a firefly. But this charm that bound me into happiness didn’t last long.
You see love has two phases. The first one is that you realize all this time you were empty and alone in this great big world. And the second one is that you don’t have to be lonely and empty because now you have been saved by someone. But the problem for me was that I was stuck halfway through the journey. And believe me, it’s not a place you want to find yourself in.
So, I have wisdom now, wisdom of my own emptiness and despair. It wasn’t the kind of wisdom that you share of social media. It was real and painful wisdom which sinks into my soul slowly like a knife.
These thoughts, twisted, toxic thoughts grew on me like a cancer. I failed to see meaning in anything anymore. I started to wander around the city without a reason. On weekends I stay in bed all day looking at white cobwebs wave with the wind of the fan while failing to find a reason to get out of the bed. I become oversensitive to the fact that how quickly the happiness can dissolve into sadness.  I still crave the laugh and the enjoyment of talking to people, friends… specially her, but hate and fear the way which loneliness suffocate after those little moments of happiness end.
I go to work every day, early morning and come back when the darkness finally step down from the heavens to the ground. Like a zombie, I walk while listening to the same song over and over until the words of that song carved into the flesh of my mind permanently.
I did feel the thought of someone else will save me someday, still lurking in the dark corners of my mind. But when time passes I lost the faith in that idea. Finally, I end up with the sound of my own cries of loneliness in my head like an endless howl.
So, finally I decided to end it, end all of it, stop feeling empty, stop feeling lonely, completely. So in this afternoon I’m lying here with a cut on my wrist slowly draining the life out of me. And I see the rain heavy, violent, but beautiful. I always loved the rain. Sometimes I had this weird thought that I’m the one whose making it rain. Everything is fading now. I think… I hope… this is the end.