A Lifetime Ago

A Lifetime Ago

            I was packing our belongings for the final trip, cleaning out our closet, when I came across those old scrapbooks. Ellie loved to capture memories and put them on paper. As a family, we would devote hours to the scrapbook, rummaging through photos, trying to remember when that specific one had been taken. I found her favorite scrapbook, the bright blue one. As I was opening it up, I noticed the once bright and colorful pictures were now gray. She filled everything with life, just by being herself. Just like the way Ellie’s color was now fading, so were the pictures. Flipping through the scrapbook, I see that there are still a few pages which have not been used. It has been so long since Ellie brought out her scrapbook to work on.

I could sense a difference in Ellie almost immediately after we moved to Maine away from our house on the beach. There seemed to be less life in her eyes, less bounce in her step. She had lived by the sea all of her life and then I came and took her away from it. After a while, became weak. She walked less, ate less. I knew she loved both our children and I with all her heart, but she has never been the same since.

Had a promotion at work meant more to me than my wife’s happiness? Had I fallen into the same selfish pattern of my adolescence? Leaving Nantucket may have been the biggest mistake I had ever made. Of course Ellie would never tell me this. If I was happy, then she was happy. I just can’t escape the feeling that her heart will always belong to the sea, no matter where she lives.

I continued packing our suitcases. We were going back now. Ellie will be her old self again, glimmering like the deep blue sea she loves so much. Everything would be just like it used to be. I searched for the self-assurance that my wife never lacked.

 I picked up the crochet blanket Ellie had made me years ago. It used to be as blue as her eyes. I ran my fingers over the woven thread. Now, like everything else, it has been drained of life, just like Ellie. As she started to become weak and lose color, so did the rest of the world. I no longer feel the energy and confidence that once filled her.

…

I met Ellie in the summer of 1972. I was seventeen and full of myself.  In my eyes, there was no reason why I shouldn’t get exactly what I want. My parents realized that this was an issue, and therefore thought it a good idea to spend the entire summer at the beach, just as a family. Away from sports and friends.  I had already made plans to spend the summer with my friend Joshua. His dad offered to buy us tickets for that season’s baseball games, so Joshua and I were set on attending each one. My parents must have known this and therefore intended to ruin my summer.

Filled with frustration, I packed my suitcases for the trip. It consisted of a three hour and 58 minute drive from our home in Maine to Boston, Massachusetts. Once in Boston, we would then take a 34 minute plane ride to the smallest island I had ever seen, which was off the coast of Massachusetts. The island was called Nantucket.

By the time our plane landed on the island, it was already 3:00 pm. My mother, sister, and I went to collect our suitcases while my father left to rent a car for the summer.

“How about we drop off our suitcases once we get to the house, and head down to the water?” I didn’t answer. I could tell that my mother was trying to get me into the spirit of things, but it wasn’t working. I could only think about the fact that the baseball tickets were not being put to good use. I knew I was definitely not going to enjoy this summer at all. My vision, clouded with anger, was colorless. I was acting so selfish all because I was not getting my way. “Aaron, what do you say?” I looked out airport door and sighed at the stormy sky hanging overhead. Dark gray rain clouds went on for miles, as far as I could see in each direction.

 “How about take a nap; it’s so boring and lifeless here” I muttered to my mom. How could she possibly understand what it was like to be my age, and have friends who liked to be with you? My father returned with the keys to our rental car, while my mother persisted.

“That’s not an option. We are on vacation. I think it would be best if we drop off our suitcases like I said before, and head down to the beach, as a family.” My mother was getting annoyed with me. Looking back, I wouldn’t have even tried to put up with someone like me for a son.

 “Your mother is right. It is our first day here, and we want to make the best of this vacation, Aaron. Let’s go.” My father was also becoming irritated. I could tell that being stubborn wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I relented.

“Fine, but as soon as we are done I’m going to go back to the beach house and get some sleep. The longer I sleep, the faster this dreadful vacation will be over.” We all walked out of the airport and climbed into the rental car. We were now on our way to the beach house.

Ten minutes later, the house was in sight. I looked out the window of the gray station wagon we were renting. Even the waves crashing against the shore had an ash like appearance.  I examined the house. It stood so close to the water it was frightening. It was as if the gray waves which reflected the clouds above, could reach out and grab you in the night.

We walked down the boardwalk and entered the house. The entire house itself looked as small as my bedroom back at home. It had an unpleasant odor, one of mold, rotten wood and ash, from one too many bonfires. I pinched my nose as I walked into the room which my little sister and I would be sharing. “Oh boy,” I said. “This is going to be a long summer.”

As I left the house and walked back out into the realm of gray, I noticed a girl, no older than 17, walking along the shore. She was alone, with a blue notepad in hand. As far as I could see, she was the only one on the beach besides my family and me.

I watched as she made her way down the stretch of the beach, and began to walk back in the opposite way from which she came from. It was intriguing to find anyone who could enjoy even the grayest of days. She seemed to embrace both the dreary ocean and sky which shared the same color of ash.

I am not sure how long I stood there watching her, but I didn’t want to move, afraid that I would miss even just a second of this mysterious girl.

“Aaron, are you ready?” I turned around to find my mom standing there, hand on hips, waiting for me to join the rest of the family.

“Yeah. I’m coming.” I turned back around only to find that the girl had disappeared.

An hour went by dreary and dull. The gray clouds remained overhead. They brought with them a humidity that made my clothes cling to my skin. The only thing I could think about was the girl on the beach.

As I tried to find sleep that night, the girl appeared in my head. I wanted to learn more about her. Was she just a figment of my imagination or was I just bored and alone, stuck on this deserted wasteland known as Nantucket.

            For the next week or so, I watched her every day at 1:00 pm when she would stroll down the shore, as if she was looking for someone. She never wrote, yet kept that blue notepad grasped tightly over her heart. Was she waiting for the stormy sea to reach out and take hold of the paper and write the perfect words for her? Or was she just looking for inspiration, yet could never seem to find it? No matter what the answer was, I knew I had to build up the courage to meet her soon.

The next morning after breakfast, I went down to the beach. My parents must have been getting tired of my adolescent behavior, because they told me that I could pass the day as I pleased. It was the perfect time to meet the mystery girl.

I sat on the beach and waited, for what felt like a lifetime, before I saw a speck on the horizon. It was her; I knew it had to be. Eventually, the speck became a line, which became a person. There she was again, walking with the blue notepad. Just like every day for the past week that I watched her, she never stopped smiling and at no one in particular.

            I had been trying for days now to come up with the perfect way of meeting her, and finally had an idea. I went to the end of the shore, where she would stop walking and turn around. I started to walk in the direction that she was coming, knowing that we would meet sooner or later. I practiced what I would say to her, and wondered how she would reciprocate when I pretended to run into her by accident. I just hoped she wouldn’t think of me as crazy and realize that this was planned.

            I could see our gray silhouettes on the sand, as we drew nearer and nearer to each other. All the while, she looked down at her blue notepad, up at the sky, then back to the paper again. She held all the mysteries of life, swimming around in a deep and dark ocean like the one I was walking right by.

            I pretended to be looking at something in the water as we collided. She was nearly knocked off her feet, but composed herself and looked at me. I stared into those blue eyes, finally at peace to have seen them. They fit her perfectly. They were tranquil and calm just like she was. All of a sudden, my blurry gaze vanished. I looked at the sea and the sky. They were no longer gray. Everything was filled with color and it surrounded me.  I felt alive like I never had before.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea anyone else was out here…I’m Aaron.”                                      

“That’s okay. Actually, you’re right. Nobody else is usually out here. Are… are you new to the island?”

“Well, sort of. I’m staying here for the summer. My family and I, that is. How about you?” I had the feeling I was disturbing her peace.

“No. I live here. About a mile and a half down that way.” She pointed west from the beach house I was staying in. I could not understand why anyone would chose to come to this island for a whole summer, let alone live here.

“Really? You live here?”

“Yes, I do. Is that so hard to believe?”

“Well it’s just that…I uh….” I could tell that I had offended her.  She had seen my true colors.

“Okay then. Bye Aaron. It was nice meeting you.”

With that, I turned around and started walking in the opposite direction, not sure of where I was going. No wonder my parents were always getting upset with me; no wonder they couldn’t stand trying to talk to me. I was so caught up in myself that I was completely unaware of the feelings of others. With the offended look on her face in my mind, a burning anger suddenly sprang from deep within me. I wanted to be different.  I was no longer going to be your average teenager.

I walked back to the beach house. This girl, whom I just met, made me want to be a better person. Tomorrow, I would apologize for the way that I had acted. Considering the warm and affectionate nature I could already tell she possessed, I knew that for her, it was not hard thing to forgive people.

The next day, she appeared on the beach yet again, at 1:00 pm. I walked right up to her and apologized for what I had said. I told her that I did not mean to offend her. Like I thought she would, she easily forgave me. I joined her on her usual walk to the beach.

From that day on, we walked along the beach together every day. Her name was Ellie. Ellie and I talked about anything and everything. I told her about my home in Maine. She told me about Nantucket. To my surprise, the island was relatively interesting. I learned that Nantucket is home to Brant Point Lighthouse, the second oldest lighthouse in North America. She promised to take me there before the summer was over.

“I’ve lived on Nantucket all of my life. I love the sea. I could never imagine being away from it. When I was a young girl, my little brother Johnathan and I would come out to the beach after we finished our homework. We were homeschooled by our mother, who was a retired teacher. Johnathan and I would play for hours. We would race each other across the sand, make castles, play ball. I loved him so much.” Tears started to form at the corner of her eyes. They shone blue, reflecting off of her brightly colored irises. She composed herself and continued. “Then one day, my brother realized that we had forgotten our beach ball back at the house. I told him that I would go get it. As I left to get the ball, he went out into the water for a swim. When I came back, he was gone. My parents and I searched everywhere, but couldn’t find Johnathan. A few days later, his body washed up onto the shore. He had drowned”

Ellie cried for 10 minutes on my shoulder. I just let her lay there. Now I knew why she walked along the beach every day. On top of her love for the sea, she missed her brother. It still did not explain why she carried around a blue notepad. As if she had read my mind, Ellie started to talk again.

“The blue notebook that I carry around was my brother’s. Whatever we did that day, he would draw inside. I take it with me in hope that it will help me find closure. I miss him so much, but I know that being sad is getting me nowhere.” Ellie was amazing. Even in this bad time, Ellie didn’t see things as gray. No, she was able to stay positive and keep the blue from fading away.

I watched as the waves crashed against the sand. Sometimes the ocean moved so fast, it was difficult to keep track of its motion. All of a sudden, I thought of an idea that might help Ellie find cessation to her brother’s death.

“Ellie, I have an idea. You could take the pieces of paper from the notebook and put them in little glass bottles. Each time you feel yourself thinking about Johnathan, sent one out into the water. Doing this could help you leave behind the past and move on. That doesn’t mean that you’ll forget about him, but it will help you find peace. If you run out of drawings, write him letters and send them out in bottles as well.”

Ellie thought for a minute about the idea and then smiled. Her blue eyes glistened with tears and she hugged me. She must have liked my idea.

About a month later, Ellie told me that she had sent out all of the drawings in the book, and was feeling much better. Now, she was going to send out letters. I was so happy for her.

…

We have just arrived at the airport in Nantucket. The familiar flight to the island was comforting to me. It reminded me of that summer of 1972. Ellie is holding onto my arm tightly as we enter the taxi that will take us to the very beach house my parents rented those many years ago; the very same beach house Ellie and I had lived in before me moved. I look at Ellie. The blue of her eyes seemed even brighter now that she was home.

As the taxi pulled up to the house, Ellie swung open the door and ran down to the beach. Even though she was only 44, she hadn’t shown so much liveliness in a very long time. I paid the taxi driver and carried our suitcases to the house. For a few minutes I just stood in the kitchen, happy to be back here, too.

I walked down to the beach, knowing where to find Ellie. She was sitting down, pulling something out of the sand in front of her. I looked at what she was holding. It appeared to be a message, rolled up inside a bottle. Ellie turned around at me and laughed. She handed me the message and I read it to myself.

Dear Johnathan,

I met someone. His name is Aaron. He is my best friend. We were married last year. Even so, I have never stopped writing you. I just want you to know that he will never take your place in my heart. You are my one and only brother.

Aaron has asked me to leave Nantucket and live with him in Maine. I just wish I could somehow be sure that you are okay with this, some sort of sign. I need to be reassured that you know I will never stop loving you.

I love you so much and always will,

Ellie

I looked up at Ellie. She didn’t have to read it. She knew what it said. She also knew that this was her sign. It was like a gray cloud had been lifted from her. Elli was no longer confused and sad. Her face shone brightly and her eyes widened with happiness.

I took her hand in mine. The blue sky lit up the shore as we walked down the familiar beach into the sunset.