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Machiavellian machinations of a maniac – within Ambler abode

Machiavellian machinations of a maniac – within Ambler abode

Unbeknownst to me, an unpleasant surprise awaited me that fateful October morning, a couple dozen plus years ago. Perhaps reverberations emanated from grinding magistrate wheels applied via defender, sans Johnny Cochran. He unwittingly, unstintingly, and unnecessarily forced general public to absorb disbelief of shock waves from exhausting three ring media circus (June 1994 – October 1995) deeming O.J. Simpson to strut guilt free from trial.
I awoke as usual and performed my leisurely, gloriously, and calmly restorative customary half-hour plus meditation, a shuteye discipline still followed that then today.
Before motoring on with the gist of this vignette let me shift gears.
The then fiancé – one Abby Robin Zison, – who spent the night with me at our transitional domicile) immediately raced like the dickens back up the two flights of stairs. Like that eponymous bat woman out of hell, she immediately flew back to me fast as greased lightening after she set foot out the door intent on driving to her job as a preschool teacher at Goddard School. In a combination of pantomime and words, she attempted to communicate with a modicum of clarity urgent news that required automatic action.
The driveway within which I parked my car the previous night appeared most definitely to be locked within a chain linked fence. The suggestion got made (from this future bride) to confront the landlady, and sternly insist corrective action be taken, lest this storyteller, and his betrothed compromise either of our respective jobs, and the vignette right here.
Prior to heading off to bed the prior night, I expressed likelihood to said landlord/owner to find another place to live. The major reasons for vacating premises? Her cigarette smoking ranked (on a par with bagillion chimneys burning wood at full blast) as the primary source of revulsion to ears, eyes, nose, and mouth.
Rather than come across as insensitive and/or mean, I simply expressed the honest sentiment at being extremely averse to second hand smoke from those little cancer sticks. Exact wording a bit more diplomatic, cuz being tactful generally engenders more favorable feedback versus abrasive, blunt, cross, et cetera. Asphyxiation (from those innocent looking wisps of nicotine) nearly found me choking nearly half to death even after putting a towel under the door while additionally keeping the bedroom window wide opened. No matter, the twisting tendrils of tobacco found their way into the ole factory nasal cavity of one health conscious holistic being housed what constituted one deranged dame.
Another factor fueling fear comprised the nauseating odor of cat urine. The litter boxes smelt as if they never got cleaned of feline fecal matter since feline became domesticated. Upon summoning effort and energy to communicate bona fide concerns, she responded with contempt.
A sixth sense intimate hoe the insidious wheels of malice began to turn sharply with more danger along the axis of evil. She madly paced back and forth across a small patch of uncluttered space in the main foyer all the while no doubt internally plotting some vengeful strategy, while steam emanated from her flaring nostrils in tandem with issued two conch shuss shells. Without but fraction of second later, although no advance warning necessary. Castigations, fulminations, and insinuations flew out of her mouth like noxious fumes to leave exit pronto singeing delicate hairs of my nasal cavity. Ludicrous lacerations spewed from this fiery dragon, that would make 10,000 maniacs blush.
While yours truly soundly slept and dreamt without incident, she unwittingly drew forth the trappings to concoct some personal vendetta. After I washed, dressed and headed downstairs, the malicious scheme hatched out back became a living reality escorting me into panic Dépêche mode.
An empty house (Samir, the other occupant left hours earlier) eerily echoed each and every footstep as first than one foot than the other and paused at the second landing (to confirm a strong hunch) that nary a soul could be heard nor seen. No zombie like entity appeared from the “DO NOT DISTURB” sign affixed outside the sleeping area shared with a coterie of lion eyes. Nor any spectral phantom jump out ranting and raving obscenities. Nary a clue how long ago, she left off at the computer, though the screen or radiated phantasmagoric pixellated phantom giving me goose bumps, asper what pseudo simian lurked like a lunatic. Nonetheless (despite apprehension, hesitation, trepidation, et cetera), I continued to tread down to the lower level with a glimmer of cautious optimism to bolster my heavy mood. Me thought, perhaps that spare set of keys nearly always left tantalizingly dangling in the unused door latch got carelessly left behind. Spirits soared that just as quickly sank to the abyss of my psyche! Guess what? No such luck! Oh, no dark shadow of a doubt prevailed, sans she most definitely took precautions and hid this temptation to make a getaway.
Well…I stepped outside to assess the situation. Blimey! A deadbolt found the gate shut tight. Mine eyes saw glory. Despite disavowing any organized, Judeo-Christian established belief system, your truly prematurely ejaculated hallelujah!
Ah, a handsaw carelessly got left on a tool chest in plain view. This invited an impulse to escape from this perilous hell. Now occurred my golden opportunity to shine as a craftsman. Handyman papa, who gentrified dilapidated buildings as his avocation would beam with pride.
Prior to acting on the plan, I made a few telephone calls. The first contact made to my employer communicating unliklihood to appear at work in a timely fashion if at all. The second call, thence got made to the local police in order to file a complaint. Both conversations entailed gambit to access the closest rotary telephone. Upon gently placing the phone back on the cradle, my fingers twitched to busily saw into just one steel link in an effort to break at least one steel bond that shackled my vehicle so this fellow could afford to hightail out of the nefarious nightmare.
A surge of adrenaline coursed from head to toe, my heart pounded as if it would burst from mine chest and palms perspired profusely with the unexpected arrival of evil incarnate. I nervously glanced around anticipating that sinister female form ready to pounce and deliver her violent retribution (blood thirsty fangs digging into soft flesh of bare naked neck) accompanied with blows from a blunt heavy object that would invariably render me unconscious before slipping into an untimely death.
For better or worse, a kind face of destiny smiled from the countenance of an unseen karma smiled upon my essence as shaking hands madly moved the saw handle back and forth dozens of times until…THE CHAIN BROKE AND SET ME FREE! I pushed the fence back, drove the car to the street and refashioned the gate to give the impression no damage took place. As I rode off to work (better late then never), a giddy sensation washed over this driver.
I could only imagine the shell shocked countenance of the loony sinister landlord.
POSTSCRIPT:
Fast forward many years later specifically two thousand and ten, when dire circumstances found this married papa, the Missus, plus deux lovely daughters (near ready to fly the figurative coop) pressed to relocate. Leslie (first name above caricatured wicked witch became reincarnated, as the Bryn Mawr landlady turned rogue.
Back a small number of years thee diva of previous Highland Manor domicile
exhibited an aura, charisma, enigma…devoid of any guile
boot of late turned a cold shoulder to me and I’ll
avoid denigrating, haranguing, and lambasting said dell lisle
la, whose avoidance behavior toward me – who goes a mile
out of her way to ensure our paths do not cross – noah din nile
per the above – well, perhaps a slight bit of hyperbole
viz this, mine swift tailored, harried style
per potpourri of puzzling perturbation evinced
by said olde world germane German dame we leased 724 Railroad Avenue duplex
treating us, as if we committed some egregious crime
subsequently forced to stand trial
viz aversion toward this convivial, frivolous and introspective chap
methinks said realtor/renter joined a coven den
where doe eyed zen of thieves
occupy teaching rubric of mean-ness while
taking appropriate and selective pages from play book of sarah palin,
which tension unlikely to cease for the next nine months till the deed
doth expire, where by this witch a tau hook cans ass (ours) will be freed
of renting a long and fostered, roach and fox infested, century21
from once salient sympathetic ear this now manifested Scrooge like greed
reminding us (essentially via cessation of any interaction),
how she once did heed
to our various and sundry travails – though neither myself nor spouse,
the latter whose vociferousness regularly exudes loathsomeness
toward key per, once a vouch saving storied angel without fail and indeed
wife tis not shy to vent where a plethora of expletives lead
rant and rave toward an impending crisis that will me send out an SOS
ever felt compelled to join Hemlock society or drown sorrows in mead
yet disappointment arises, when formerly positive dynamic now im peed
did by reasons unbeknownst to me,
who feels grateful ye chanced to read
my babbling of poetically irrational from a regular Joe,
who doth not sport ****** Tweed
nor (despite any immediate intimations)
doth newt smoke booze nor drink week.

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