My battle with depression

I have dealt with major depression for most of my life.  It first occurred when I attended high school every thing in my life started to take a spiral toward a very destructive path.  I've experienced rejection from relatives, heartache, sexual abuse, and low self esteem.

I want to delicately discuss how low self esteem effected me.  It made me feel less than human afraid to ask for help when I needed it and alienated from the world.  The reason I felt like this is because while in my youth I remember being ridiculed and I took those words to heart and started my spiral downward.  I really don't mean to blame my family but that is where all my problems streamed from my youth.

My youth was the foundation that would determine who I was and what I was to become.  It's unfortunate that my foundation was ruined since I mainly focused on the negative environment surrounding me.  However, I did grow up in a loving family and  I still love them all.  I now realize how crucial it is not to say negative words to children.  Words really can hurt people and change their lives depending on the way the words are used and how that individual interprets them.  I always was very sensitive and searched for acceptance.

I'm not writing this story in order to get people's sympathy I'm still trying to cope with my depression and understand the reasoning behind it. I have become a older woman but I can still remember my youth like it was yesterday and it was very painful.  I remember my 7th grade teacher ridiculing me because I had difficulty learning math.  I appeared to many as a space cadet but inside of my heart I was a hurt and confused adolescent.  I wasted a majority of my life feeling sorry for myself and alienated myself from people.

I became suicidal after high school graduation.  My whole world collapsed because I didn't have enough social skills or the intellect to maintain steady employment.  I started to sleep my life away because there was nothing meaningful to live for.  I do remember my mother trying to intervene on my behalf but she was too late.  I started to hate her and began having sex with a older man when I was nineteen years of age.  There were days that I stayed out overnight.  I remember how I treated myself and my mother.  I became a wretched person.

I did get pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named precious.  Of course,my mom did assist me with the baby and allowed us to live with her.  She did demand that I get a job in order to support myself and the baby.  Things didn't work out the way that I planned the older man left me and I continued to struggle with keeping a job.

I'm going to fast forward my story to where I am currently in life.  I now manage my depression by keeping appointments with my psychiatrist and taking my medicine.  I have learned that It's acceptable to talk about your depression and get help for it.  I was taught to do the opposite during my youth.  Maybe it's part of my African American culture to be strong and not ask for help.

I am a mother of three girls now and I have to learn from my parents mistakes and try not to repeat them.  It gets difficult when life throws you a curve ball and you become a parent.  I now have three girls looking to me for guidance, acceptance love and support.  The lord knows that I've made mistakes that I'm not going to discuss in this story.  I pray that the Lord will give me the strength, wisdom, love and empowerment to be the mother I need to be for my children  because I'm a single parent.  I thank God for the lessons that I've learned and for Cosmo funnel.  I have found a form of therapy through writing my poetry and stories.  Thank you to all of my followers and those who appreciate my writing.