My last letter to you

My last letter to you:

I’m sorry to leave like this. But after all it wasn’t me who left. I held on to the last bit of hope there was between us. You said I was going to change after you left and you were right. Not in the way you think though, I’m still not confident. Although I did develop a habit of not overthinking anymore. Whoever comes in my way I just send them away directly so I don’t get hurt the same way. Recently I started blaming myself again for the way we ended. I could’ve given you more space.

Still the time I held on to you the most was when things got really hard for me at home. So many problems I couldn’t take things at home and when you started cussing me out as a joke I broke down easily. I can take jokes except that time was different. I wanted to feel loved by you and you used to be my safe place. After you left I promised myself I wouldn’t make the same mistake by overwhelming you again with my personal life.And in the end, if two souls are not meant to be they will keep missing each other.

After a while you wonder if it was a real, if wondered if were really the one. I gave us a break after you said you were burned out. Cried couple of nights but it was all worth it because I still loved you. After two months I tweeted about you saying I was finally ready to move on. But three days after that you texted me again asking me how I was and in that moment I realised even if the mountains keep us apart I was still end up coming back to you.

Falling apart could not go miss this time. Everything is under my control, or at least so I thought. You left me again but this time without explanation and it completely messed with my mind because I got so worried about you that I started seeing you in my dreams literally almost every single day for a week straight. How did we keep missing each other even though we were so close — close was never enough when I was next to you. Being next to you now seems impossible.

I cannot bear it anymore, sleepless nights. Listening to Dave - Psycho, relating to the lyrics

“Probably battlin' with manic depression. Man, I think I'm going mad again. It's like I'm happy for a second then I'm sad again.”

Thoughts racing, I’ve lost you forever. I can’t think straight at the moment but one thing I remember clearly. Your favourite colour, RED. I’ll give you one last gift before I leave. Look at the ground and tell me what colour it is after I’m gone darling. I love you.

(ps; this is the unfinished draft version, the full version will hopefully be longer and much better :))