My Story: To better understand the struggles of being gay

Hey, I'm Roland Gallegos, and I love poetry. I've been on here for a fair amount of time, and I haven't really talked about myself/introduced myself. I know it's not really necessary here, but I'm bored with nothing to do, so I might as well XP I grew up poor, and still am, which isn't really a big deal. I've got what I need, and I'm fortunate to have some of my wants, and right now that's enough for me. I really can't complain when I know that there are people that have it far worse than I do. My father, haha let me rephrase that; the man that helped bring me into this world, divorced my mother when I was 8. At first they agreed that one of them would have us, and by us I mean me and my 3 siblings, one week, then the next week the other would have us. My father deceived my mother, and went to a lawyer to attempt to get custody of us. When my mom found out, she did the same, except she had no money. Since she had no money, she put up the house for payment, all for us. My dad found out and said he wouldn't go forth if she wouldn't. My kind mother, once again, was deceived. A couple days later, he got his new girlfriend's family to pay the lawyer in full. He won. He got custody of us. He lied. He moved us in with his new girlfriend, and we were then only allowed to see my mom and her side of the family every weekend. Well, it didn't take long for that to be gone as well. 3 years later, my dad divorced his new wife, then moved us to California. We lived with our aunt for a while. After we moved into our own apartment, that's when he began to abuse me. He would hit me for not reason, call me useless, told me he hated me. He even literally pushed me through a wall. I was 13. I endured 2 years of his torture. Endlessly. Every day I'd wake up and feel like I was in some sort of prison. Scared to go out of my room, for fear that I may be beaten again for no reason. When I was 14, I finally built up the courage to rebel against him, and for the first time, I had beaten him. He let my mom come get me. I moved in with her, and things we great; until I turned 16. I had finally realized I was, in fact, gay. One summer my siblings came to visit, and when they left, one of them had told him. He was irate. He text me things like "you disgust me. You'll never see your siblings again." or "You make me sick. I want nothing to do with you." This was, of course, after he found out my mom was pansexual, and was with a female. The first time he said those things to me, it crushed me. I told myself "If my own father can't love me, then who can?" I cried myself to sleep for a week. I felt like less of a person.. like dirt. I began to grow bitter and dark. I had to self-esteem, I wanted to die. This was still true until a couple days ago. I was afraid to talk, because every time I'd say something to him, he'd give me an evil look. Like he wanted to hurt me. Of course, he was completely different around other people. At one point we moved in with my uncle, and he acted like I was his favorite person. I enjoyed that charade for 3 months. Anyway, so now he knows I'm gay. He disowned me, simply because of who I love. WHO I LOVE. Funny thing is, he's a "christian" and he beats his kids, and has been divorced twice, and had a child with one of his several girlfriends, then broke up with her too. I remember when we lived with another of his girlfriends, he would abuse her 4 or 5 year old son. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. She didn't say or do anything, and I know it's because she was scared of him. I felt so bad for him, and for her, but I didn't dare speak against him. There are two reasons to this: I was finally not the one receiving his wrath, and two, I knew it would be that I would be abused again. Now that I look back, I feel bad for thinking how I did. I should have stopped him, even if it meant getting hit again. He was a young child.. I feel so so bad. Every time I think about it I cry.. Now I turn 18 tomorrow. I can't believe I've lived though such things... though not without consequence. I have severe depression. I struggle with even getting out of bed, and doing the simplest things are a chore. I get irritated easily, I wish death, I am constantly tired, I can't concentrate on anything long enough to accomplish anything, my memory is terrible.. etc, etc. My soul is a soldier. It has been able to withstand the hottest fire of wrath, though, one cannot stand back up as strong as he was before. I'm weak and tired. That took a lot out of me. I sometimes wonder how I'm being kept alive. Fortunately, I haven't had it AS bad as some LGBT, but I sure didn't have it easy either. This is my story, and I hope you better understand, and I hope you can try to be better to us. Most LGBT live through things you think of as nightmarish. Well, that's our reality. PLEASE, I beg you, open your heart. All we want is to feel like you.. a human being.