PUNK ROCK STORY

This here is the story of the life and death of the greatest one-hit-wonder punk rock band in the cosmos.  And it came about thusly: 

They were called iDeath – one word with a lower-case ‘I’ and a capitol ‘d’ – in memory of the late great Richard Brautigan’s In Watermelon Sugar. 

iDeath put out only one album in its short punk rock lifetime, but that one album – entitled Kiss Me Arse! – went platinum almost overnight. 

The one song that brought iDeath rock & roll immortality, sending them to the top of the charts, was a short track on the B side of Kiss Me Arse! entitled  Armadillo Roadkill.  It didn’t have any lyrics.  The song itself had really just been a last minute time filler to give the album balance. 

Armadillo Roadkill was basically just two and a half minutes of noise, really, with the lead singer and founder of the band – Mel Strum – repeating the title over and over again in this weird cryptic mantra: 

“Armadilla Roadkilllll… 

Armadilla Roadkilllll… 

Armadilla Roadkilllll…” 

It sounded pretty cool, actually. 

Nonetheless, the demise of iDeath came about like so: 

They were in the middle of their first and last American Tour, having just finished a show at a little club called Emo’s, in Austin, Texas.  Strum was on the tour bus, relaxing with a beer and smoke, when Toby, the bassist, came storming in, ecstatic with what he considered to be great news. 

“What the fuck!” said Strum, always wary around people in a good mood. 

“Mel,” Toby replied.  “You’ll never believe it.  We just hit the top of the charts, mate; we're gonna be rich!” 

“Bullshit!” said Strum.  “You’re pullin’ me bloody leg.” 

“No bullshit, Mel.  I just heard it on the news over the radio.” 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” said Mel Strum.  “So which one of our masterpieces did they pick to grant us such an honor?  Wait!  Wait!  Let me guess …  Chemical Anger, that’s one of our best.” 

“Nope,” said Toby. 

“Alright then, how about Sid Vicious Undead?  I always thought that one was marketable.” 

“Nope,” said Toby.  “I agree Sid is a rockin’ tune, but that’s not the one they picked.” 

“I got it.  I got it.  Ben Hur....Ova, that’s a song that should’ve been written decades ago,” said Strum, pretty much certain he’d picked the winner that time. 

“Sorry, Strum.  Wasn’t that one either,” said Toby, getting slightly worried.  He'd jammed with Strum for over a dozen years, so he knew the front man of iDeath wasn't the most emotionally secure cat on the block. 

“Just go ahead and tell me, Toby.  Which one of our gems is gonna make us disgustingly rich?”  The not knowing was bloody killing him. 

“Well, believe it or not,” said Toby.  “These alleged United States of America has chosen Armadillo Roadkill as our first number one hit!” 

Toby felt a great release of pressure upon finally declaring the great news, but there was a terribly uncomfortable moment of silence as this great news registered within Mel Strum’s head.   

In the next moment he screamed in rage, “Say what!  Armadillo Roadkill was just us fucking around; a bloody space-filler for Chreeees sake!  To choose that track as our number 1 song is a bloody insult.  Not just to us, but to all good taste and decency!” 

“But still …” started Toby.  Wanting to emphasize the fact that, no matter, they were gonna be rich. 

“But still nothing!” shouted Mel Strum.  “Now they’ve gone and done it.  That is the last insult I’m gonna suffer.  Go tell the rest of the band and roadies, Toby, the rest of the Tour is cancelled and iDeath is ova!  I refuse to be sucked into their plastic glamour machine of stupidity.” 

Toby did as Strum had instructed, and thus it was over for iDeath, the greatest one-hit-wonder punk rock band in the known cosmos.  And let this be a lesson to all aspiring rock & rollers everywhere.  Democracy sucks if the majority of voters are idiots. 

Take care, and have a blessed day.   

Long live Mel Strum.