Raindrops: A story of Life and Circumstance ; Chapter 4: To Embrace a Roses Thorns

 "Wha...What?" Natalie stared deeply into my eyes. She had some deep and indescribable sadness lingering within. It wasn't pity, but another emotion that was not readily apparent to me. She took my hand in hers, increasing the intensity of her gaze, and I watched in fascination as blue slowly overtook her iris as the last of the steel melted away. She looked tired, but determined.

 "I want to know why you were crying, and I want you to know that I am here for you now." I blinked in surprise. I wanted to answer her so badly, but... No, I couldn't, I shouldn't, I... No, she shouldn't be there, shouldn't have to be there. 

 "I don't think...I don't think you should waste... your time" I quietly responded, a slow sigh overlaid my voice as the small shards of glass sliced at my heart. I couldn't help but fold inward as more and more cracks ran through me. I couldn't... Natalie took my chin in her hand and forced my head up to look into her suddenly arctic blue eyes. She took one look at the pain and defeat in my eyes before she reached an arm out and hooked it around my shoulder.

 "I don't see it as a waste of my time, really I don't. Is it so hard to see I don't want to see you so down?" She smiled at me and my heart broke yet again. In trying to cheer me up, she'd done worst thing she could do. The smile rent through my mind and destroyed the walls I had been putting up. I lost the strength to sit up straight as my whole mind flashed with images I had forbidden, locked away, but never forgotten. I couldn't get them out... I couldn't stop them...

 "Stop it, stop it, stop it..." I began to cry hysterically as a whirlwind of grief and agony swirled within me, invading every part of my body in a lacerating wave of pain. Everywhere hurt. I didn't look up, so I didn't see the look of fire in Natalie's eyes as she caught me and pulled me into a tight embrace. I couldn't protest, even if I wanted to, so I buried myself into Natalie's shoulder, the White fleece quickly becoming soaked. I remembered evenings like this with Chloe. We would sit on her bed, and talk about our days, and how we were... She would always sit next to me... and be my shoulder to cry on... and then she was dead. The word slipped through my mind and my whole frame shook. The one word I'd forbidden most strongly of all. I cried even harder, reality blurring as everything around me slipped away. 

 "Maddie" I heard a voice I'd almost forgotten echo mournfully next to me. In Natalie's place, a thinner woman sat, with a white raincoat and scarf, and a sky-blue cap that always clashed with whatever she wore. "It's okay, it's okay... Shhhh..." She quietly hushed me, running her fingers through my hair as she held me tighter. She was so warm... Her raincoat was fluffy, but I didn't care for details anymore. It didn't matter to me that the world had faded into a landscape of blurred lines, light overlays of what really existed there. I didn't care what existed anymore, I was with her again. I cried harder and snuggled into her, the way I always had. For some reason, she shifted slightly, but continued hesitantly petting my hair. She hugged me tightly, her blonde hair quietly falling in locks around us as she quietly set her head down to rest on mine. Meanwhile, her soft hands wiped away the tears on my face and caressed my cheek slowly. "Now," She began tentatively, "Can you tell me what's wrong, Maddie?" I closed my eyes tightly as a fresh wave of tears cascaded down my cheeks. What was wrong? Everything, everything was wrong. So much was wrong. It was wrong that I had to sit here with my sister, the one who meant everything to me, in a sub-psychotic trance while the rest of the world moved on. It was wrong that I had to hurt everyone around me just by existing. And It was wrong most of  all that  I couldn't do anything. I couldn't erase myself from existence, any more than I could rip out Luke's heart and stamp all over it. 

 My heart stopped as yet another forbidden word echoed in the cascade of my thoughts, stopping them completely. I cried out as every seam I had sealed split open. Chloe jumped and pulled me across her as I sobbed brokenly. Pulling me into her lap, she cradled me as one might a child, rocking back and forth and humming softly while petting my  hair and back comfortingly. Her voice was soft, but slowly the world began to come back together as I sewed up the holes that were hanging open all around me. She continued singing, a lullaby as she held me close to her.

 "I...Miss... you. I miss all of you... I love you so much... but now you're gone... I miss you, Chloe." Her gentle hand grasped mine and the world slowly slowed down, dust motes freezing in midair as a voice sounded from above my head. Chloe slowly became surrounded in a soft white light, gentle and comforting. 

 "We love you too."Several voices echoed in the darkness. Not from Chloe, who still had a beatific smile on her face, but from across the room. I caught a brief glimpse of Chloe's smile again as time slowly continued, and her glow faded away. I wrapped my arms around her,burying myself in her chest,  and slowly I pulled myself as together as I could manage. The pain faded away in her arms, until at last I was sitting there on her, feeling strangely empty inside. I sighed, the emptiness was lonely, but it was better than the pain.

 "I wish I could... Just disappear." Chloe stiffened in my arms. I looked up, and instead of Chloe's smile, a horrified look was spread on Natalie's face. Her eyes were wide as she drew me back to her. 

  "No, no, no, no. Don't disappear. The rest of us need you. We... all need you." She said, possibly unsure of what she was saying anymore. I didn't blame her. "I love you too, Maddie." She said, voice still quavering. I pulled back slowly, realization dawning on my mind as my mind logically put together the puzzle pieces. The air suddenly felt colder, and warmth began to leach from me as the space between us increased. 

 "N-Natalie?" I shuddered, my mind processing. She relaxed her hold on me and allowed me to pull away. The situation replayed in my mind as I blanched in horror. I was sitting... on her lap, my arms wrapped around her midsection. On a girl who I'd just met earlier that day... "I... I am SO sorry. I didn't mean to..." Her quiet chuckle silenced me. I felt her relax slightly, tension draining from her eyes as the colors balanced out again. The icy blue had faded to more of a robins egg tone. She laughed quietly to herself before blushing slightly. "What's so funny?" I asked, a slight blush forming across my face in response.  She simply smiled in a relieved way.

 "I'll tell you in the morning." She helped me pull myself off of her legs, and stood, brushing herself off and pulling off the white fleece sweater. I felt guilty seeing the massive wet spots on the shoulders, both of them, and running down the chest and midsection area. And even more so when I saw the same stains on the sky blue T-Shirt she wore under it. She sighed and placed the soiled sweater over a peg on the wall to dry. 
 
"I'm sorry for ruining your sweater." She looked back to me, a faint smile etched into her facial expression. 

 "It's not ruined, It will dry itself out in an hour or two." Both of us knew that wasn't true. Fleece did not dry easily at all, as several bathrobes I had owned could attest to. She simply smiled and walked back to her package by the door. She pulled out the fuzzy blanket and carried it over to me, throwing it over my shoulders. She smiled as she sat back down again beside me. I tried to gather my thoughts and talk to her, but too many were jumbled up inside me to respond. I opened my mouth to speak, but the wrong thought escaped.

 "You have a really pretty voice." She laughed again and my blush deepened drastically. "No... that's not what I wanted to... Ah, Um. Mnmm..." The rest of my thoughts faded into a disgruntled buzzing noise, not quite unlike a hive of bees that had been violently shaken.  Natalie quietly stopped herself and held my hand again. 

 "Thanks. It's one of the few things I can do right." She sighed and gripped my hand a little tighter, causing me to look at her. She still had the look of sadness in her eyes, although without the worry and terror she'd had before. "I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it, but, at some point during that, your eyes went glassy. You looked at me in a way I didn't think I would see for a long while. And then you relaxed and seemed to feel better." She paused thinking about it. "Was Chloe some one special to you?" I nodded wordlessly. I stood up from the bed and fished the small travel album from my pocket, where it was crumpled and deformed from me moving around so much. As I pulled it out, I placed the velvet ring case on the bedside table. If Natalie had any question about that, she kept it to herself as I sat down again and shakily opened the book. I flipped through it until I found the picture I wanted. One of Chloe standing in the snow, in her white ensemble and hat, dropping a handful of the heavy white flakes onto my head as I quietly built a snow fort. It had been taken two years ago. Chloe had the same Beatific smile, and a mischievous gleam in her eyes. Natalie stared solemnly, as if seeing the connections I had unconsciously drawn between  her and the carefree girl in the photo.

 "We look a lot alike, don't we?" I nodded. They were similar, but not a perfect match. Chloe had been considerably thinner than Natalie, and didn't have her volume and full figure. Her hair had been closer to platinum blonde than Natalie's honey, and Chloe's eyes had been stuck in a permanent sapphire blue with steely specks. While ,even now, Natalie's eyes shifted and swirled, lightening and darkening with her thoughts, shades of grey flashing and disappearing within them.  "Your sister, I'm guessing." I nodded quietly. She was my sister, and my best friend for most of my life. We had always helped each other through everything. "Is she..." I nodded, curling in on myself a little. 

 Natalie gently took the photo album from me and closed it, reaching across me to set it on the table next to the ring box. She put her arm around me and rubbed my shoulder. I didn't care anymore. I leaned into the contact, resting my head against her neck. She pulled the cover across until it was covering our bodies completely, and between the two of us I quickly regained some of the warmth I'd lost. I sniffled slightly, and she laid her head on mine again, Humming softly. It was peaceful and happy, and I quickly began to feel exhausted. I had had a long day, and I felt drained of energy and emotion. As the space around me warmed up slowly, I listened to the soothing sound of Natalie's heartbeat, close, yet muffled in the growing darkness. It was comforting, and I fell deeply asleep in her warm embrace. 
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 I walked slowly down the street, savoring the raindrops as they bounced off the Pavement and against the worn blue galoshes I'd gotten for my birthday the year before.  I laughed cheerfully and ran out from under the umbrella, splashing my way into a group of puddles that was simply too tempting to resist. Weak sunshine filtered through the clouds, warming the frigid air and perfectly illuminating the content smile on the man standing next to me. 

 "Always."  A statement and a vow.
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   A bright light greeted me as I woke up, making me squint. Sunlight was streaming in through the blinds on the windows, falling directly on my face. It wasn't that bad, but it had made my face feel hot and sweaty from exposure. I started to get up, but froze when I heard a sharp intake of breath beside me. Something light and slim was wrapped around my waist under the covers. I looked over to see another girl, long blonde hair strewn across the single pillow we were sharing. I puzzled, grasping at straws as I tried to remember through my foggy and muddled thoughts.... Right. It came back to me slowly. I remembered Natalie and the bus ride, and after. She looked remarkably at peace for someone who'd dealt with the ramblings of a crazy person late at night. I sighed guiltily. I still felt bad for having put her through that. Slowly, her eyes opened and she stared at me groggily, eyes slowly focusing in on me, brilliant cerulean in the early morning light. I felt her hands slowly wake up too, and her eyes widened as they brushed lightly against my stomach under the thin fabric of my shirt. She quickly sat up, yanking her arm from around me. I sat up with her, propping myself up with my newly freed arm. She was blushing wildly.

 "I... who, wha...." Natalie shook her head and rubbed her eyes, slowly blurring and refocusing her vision as she wiped away the last vestiges of sleep, closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she slowly came around fully. After a while, she smiled at me and opened her eyes. 

 "Good Morning." She said politely. I couldn't help but laugh softly at the hilarity of the process she'd just went through. The blush was still fading when she glared at me indignantly. I didn't want to make it any worse for her, but I couldn't help myself.

 "You know, if your dad wanted you to have the college experience, you're on the right track. Its not even  day one, and you're already waking up with strange women in your bed." I smiled blissfully and winked at her as the redness returned in full force.  She stammered slightly before a triumphant grin reached her face, and she looked me in the eyes with challenge written all over her expression.

 "Is that so? Well I'm still better off than you. You met me, made me cry , and then told me you loved me before falling into bed. I'd say that makes you the worst womanizer between us." I glared, feeling the backhandedness of the retort strongly. After a moment of faux tension, we both broke down laughing. Natalie stretched and yawned quietly before climbing out of bed. She had changed into a pink top and black shorts while I had been sleeping ,apparently. Then a thought occurred to me and I began to fume dryly. They looked familiar to me, because they were mine. I looked around the room to see Natalie's blue shirt and Khaki's laying haphazardly beside the package she'd brought in with her. 

 "Enjoying the clothes?" I inquired vexedly. She smiled as she turned around.

 "Yes actually. I couldn't really wear mine to sleep. By the time you finally had gone down, my shirt and thigh was drenched. I left my stuff in the car, so I borrowed some of yours. Don't worry, I'll have them back to you as soon as noon rolls around." I remembered her tell Sam to come by with her things. I looked around for my duffel bag. Seeing that, Natalie picked it up off the floor, putting it on the bed next to me, and plopped down, laying on the pillow. I rummaged through the bag before pulling out my watch from where I'd put it yesterday. It was 8:02 in the morning, meaning we had four hours until he got to us. 

 "So what are we going to do until he gets here?" She looked around thoughtfully before responding.

 "Well, I think we should probably actually get settled in. Secondly, We definitely need to get breakfast." I nodded absentmindedly, my stomach growling. The last thing I'd eaten was the bottle of vanilla she called a cupcake. "And lastly," She began, but before she could continue the thought, a knock sounded on the door. Natalie looked at it ,startled, and the door opened to reveal the dorm assistant who had been so unceremoniously dismissed and intimidated by Natalie. Come to think of it, she might have just came to see if I was alive.

 "Morning. Sorry to budge in on you like thi..." she stepped into the room and her eyes darted around. In a pile by the door were Natalie's clothes, including the khakis she'd come in. Add to that the fact that the second bed was untouched and only one set of sheets were in the room, with me under them and Natalie on top of them, and I almost couldn't fault the poor girl for the conclusion that had undoubtedly popped into her head. She stammered on her last word and a blush spread like wildfire across her face. "Sorry, so sorry, I didn't mean to walk in on you like this." I held up my hands defensively and Natalie had a look of terror and embarrassment.

 "Nonononono, Its not what it looks like. You didn't walk in on anything, I swear." Natalie rapidly nodded her head in agreement. The attendant seemed to believe us and shook her head, putting a hand over her heart. 

 "Okay then. Anyway, I just thought, since you two were in such a hurry last night..." she paused as if catching the connotation of the statement. "...You didn't get to hear any of the rules for this dorm." she finished quickly. I nodded. It seemed reasonable. She pulled herself up a little bit.

 "So here's the gist of it. No running, fighting , eating in the halls, clean after yourself. That kind of stuff. Light's out after twelve. Boys out after nine. Girls out by eleven. In your room before eleven thirty please. Doors lock at twelve thirty and don't open until four." She listed off in rapid succession, counting on her fingers. "And," she looked wryly at us, "We don't particularly care what roommates are doing, but the walls aren't soundproof, so keep it down." Even I blushed at the  innuendic suggestion in her voice. "Also, If either of you ever change your mind, when you have a guy over, door stays open, and I know about it, okay?" We both nodded our heads, much too embarrassed to speak at that point. She walked over to us and stood, with her arms crossed lightly and stared down at both of us with amusement in her eyes. "Now, if you two are done looking like two kids who just got in trouble with the principal, would you like to come to get breakfast with me?" We both looked up to her, Natalie with gratefulness, me with confusion. She looked at both of us and sighed. "Well I can see the panchromatic blonde is with me, but what about the green-eyed gawker?" 

 "Breakfast? Won't you be busy dealing with people coming in today?" She laughed and stared at me with a mixture of amusement and wonder. 

 "I don't know if you two are aware of this, but school doesn't start for another two weeks. You guys are a literal week ahead of everyone. You, me, and her are the only people in the whole building right now, unless you're hiding another girl in the bag." Natalie and I looked at each other in utter confusion. 

 "TWO WEEKS?" We asked in Unison, incredulous. She nodded and giggled at the expressions on our faces. She pulled a smartphone out of her pocket and held it up representitively. 

 "Did you not get the alert? It went out to everyone by text yesterday." I shook my head at Natalie who also shook her head negatively. I shrugged at her.

 "Apparently not." she raised her eyebrow incredulously. "You two need to sign up for the school newsfeed. It might prepare for any other surprises." I gulped nervously, and gave her a sheepish smile. Natalie laughed hesitantly.

 "I never really, got into the Idea of a phone."

 "My dad never liked them. He preferred to speak to people face-to-face, and I can't say I disagree. " I nodded. I felt the same way, sort of. I barely spoke to people either way. 

 "Okay then. I really hope you know how cute you two DO look together. Anyways,are you guys ready to go, or do I need to give you time to finish up?" I stood indignantly and stood up, before holding out an arm out to Natalie and helping her out of bed. I reached into my duffel bag and took out two pairs of socks, tossing one to Natalie. Both of our socks from last night were drenched, as well as our coats. But today, surprisingly, seemed pretty bright and I could feel the warmth coming from the window. We shouldn't need our coats today... For some reason, that didn't make me as sad as it normally did. It still hurt a little, but, looking at Natalie's sunny face, I felt better. Out of the corner of my vision , as I thought that, I thought I caught a glimpse of Chloe smiling overlaying her. A small feeling passed, but nothing like the overwhelming reaction I'd had yesterday. It was both relieving and worrying, But I would worry about it later. We pulled on our socks and shoes, meanwhile, the attendant stood by watching us with a very satisfied look on her face. I stuck my tongue out her, feeling strangely elated. How long would it last, I wondered.

 Suddenly, an evil thought came into my head and a plan took shape. I leaned in close to Natalie, whispering into her ear.

 "Play along." She looked curious, but quickly nodded and stood up. I faced the attendant, throwing my arm around Natalie's waist. She hesitantly followed suit, smiling serenely. I smiled sweetly at the attendant. "We going, or what? After all, we wouldn't want to keep them waiting." Natalie nodded, still smiling, but there was a questioning light in her eyes. I quickly gave Natalie a kiss on the cheek, barely brushing her soft skin, but It was enough to catch both her and the Attendant off guard. Between the two of them, I would say the attendant had the deeper blush, but Natalie held her own in the competition.

 "Maddie!" I laughed as her indignant shout rang out and the other girl quickly turned around, hand resting against her deeply red face. I'd thought that might get her. Normally, I would be as embarrassed as them, but I felt a glowing pride in that small victory in doing to the girl what she'd done to us. I leaned over and whispered in her ear again.

 "Sorry for that, but the look on her face was worth it." She stopped stuttering and glanced at the aforementioned party. A small grin spread out on her face before we both started to laugh quietly. It felt natural and unforced, which was odd for me. It was usually something I did when appropriate only, but it felt good this time. Turning away from us yet again she began to stiffly walk out the door.

 "Come on." I chuckled slightly and followed her, Natalie trailing behind..