Raindrops: A story of Life and Circumstance ; Chapter Two: A Different kind of Carsick

  I hadn't really expected the hour long bus drive to be overly exciting, and I can't say I was disappointed. A full hour of nonstop inaction, punctuated with coughs, yawns, and the occasional chatter from the back seats. It was calming, really, the peace and quiet. It took my mind off of what was happening, the quick blur speeding around me that was my life, and how frantically I would have to scramble to keep up. Instead of letting myself get swept away and worry, I simply let my consciousness float along, in the hazy grey region between sleep and reality. Head lying on my little pillow, Staring out as the rain came down over the trees.
 
Little droplets scattered down the pane, great torrents of them, driven by rain and wind against the glass. I followed them with my eyes as one after another, they wandered across my field of view. some quick, some slow, some big, some small. It was almost calming, the way they went about, so peacefully, inexorably moving from one place to another. Simple and pure. Transparent little worlds of their own, ignonimus to the world, but within each a small universe was reflected. Through each, I saw different, fleeting pictures. In one,  a flash of green as we crossed into a forested valley. In Another, blue and white, as a small patch of sunlight drifted through the cloud bank. Simple colors. The white of the buses paint, the grey overtones of the sky. Simple representations of such complex things. Yet they all melted down to the same things in the end, didn't they? If only life was as simple as the world within a raindrop. Instead of dealing with the ups and downs in life, one could be safely ensconced within a little blue droplet of sunshine, cascading down the side of a bus window, not having to face the pain life could bring. But life doesn't work like that. Mine had, not so long ago. Everything was perfect. And yet I saw firsthand how quickly everything could be torn apart. My life had become more like a paint palette, with once simple white contentment being blended with blues, reds, greens and blacks before finally resulting in a inky in-between. Not quite Black, but not quite grey. Like everything else in the world, I was stuck in limbo. As the thunder rolled overhead, memories appeared unbidden.              

  Black clouds raced over another sky, steel gray flashed in another lightning storm, rain poured over another city. A little girl had walked home that day from school. A little girl had waited for hours and hours, as the clock slowly turned. A little girl had watched the rain through her little windows, and waited for her mother and father to come home. A little girl had greeted the knock on the door, rushing excitedly to throw it open and embrace her parents. A little girl had seen the looks on the men's somber faces, and a broken vessel had sat shocked in the living room as everything had crumbled around her. A broken vessel. That was my life. Until him. Then even then, it only stopped hurting, only felt whole again, when he was around to seal the cracks up. Only felt happy when he was there... Until he wasn't. The broken vessel had finally shattered on the edge of the road, and the pieces had crumbled to dust on a rooftop far, far away. Some things could never be undone, no matter how hard I tried. Blinking back tears, I closed the window and set my head down further, listening to the comforting white noise of the rain hitting the world. Like a slow lullaby, it mended what little tears kept reopening in my slapdash simulacrum of careful neutrality. I simply listened to the rain, before finally opening the curtained fabric covering the window. Perhaps introspection was not what I needed, after all.

  I had to take my mind off of having my mind taken off of my life. I unzipped the bottom-most pocket in the duffel and fished around until I'd found the small MP3 player Aunt Vi had somehow managed to sneak in without me noticing. Carefully unwinding the earbuds tightly knotted around it, I put them into my ears, and immediately the sounds of the other people seemed a little quieter.  I turned on the small thing, and quickly selected one of my favorite playlists. Piano music is not what most people carried around on them, but it felt relaxing to simply focus my mind on the ups and downs of Chopin's Nocturnes. I quietly sat there, focusing on the rhythm of the music, the complex measures wrapping around each other. There was a beauty in it. And more importantly, it kept my mind from wandering. I watched the rain slowly fade out behind us, floating off to the west, and then closed my eyes. Listening only to the gentle humming of the vehicle as we drove along, and the soft notes plucking their way through the earbuds.  Time slowly went back into its halfway state, and three stops later, my self and three others arrived at the bus terminal. 

  As the bus pulled into the in lane and stopped, I checked the time on the small digital watch around my wrist.  My bus would be here in ten minutes. I took out the earbuds and folded them and the music player into my pocket as I got up and stretched slightly. I picked up my bag and grunted a little as it pulled me awkwardly off balance. I straightened up and filed into the aisle behind a young woman and her daughter. As I rounded the small outlet at the front of the bus, I slightly tottered and tipped forward, only to have the bus driver catch me, concern written over his face, before letting go.  

  "Now you be careful now, and have a nice day." I managed a small smile and a ditzy hand wave.

  "I will, and you too." I stepped down, carefully on the steep-ish stairs, and had to catch myself again as my feet touched the hard asphalt. I quickly walked away after giving the bus driver a friendly wave. I followed another couple in through the wide glass doors, and into the bustling and noisy atrium. If the people who ran the place had any Idea what month it was, they obviously didn't show it. It was colder inside than the August weather outside.Waiting in line for a ticket, I suddenly felt a nagging doubt and nervously double-checked the time tables posted on the electronic display. It said what I'd hoped it would. I had another seven minutes. I took another deep breath, calming myself and shaking my head. I wasn't going to make it there if I kept this up. The elderly woman in front of me stepped away from the booth and I moved into her place, where a cheery, if a little plain, attendant greeted me with a smile.

  "Hello Miss, where can we get you to today?""I smiled and fumbled around in my purse before pulling out my leather wallet. 

  "One way to Bellevue please. " She nodded her head and typed something in on the small computer humming next to her. 

"Alright. One way to Bellevue... One person."She muttered absentmindedly before clicking enter on her keyboard. "That'll be $32.15."   I fished out the money and handed it to her. She typed another few things into her computer and a noisy machine fed out the ticket, which she handed to me through the window. "You're right on time. It should pull in on lane five, just over there," She pointed across the room to a small lined area on the sidewalk with the number five surreptitiously displayed above it on a large sign. Thanking her as I turned around, I hurried over to the pavement, dodging around several people as I went.  I had barely got to it across the crowd as the large grey bus pulled into the lane, letting off several dozen passengers. I quickly found my way into the line forming in their wake. As I approached the front, I held the ticket tightly in my hand and took another deep breath. I was going to be fine. With a rather forced "please help me" smile, I handed the ticket to the driver, who simply nodded, and I climbed aboard. Unfortunately, this bus was considerably less empty, but I managed to snag a Window seat near the back. 

  I sat down again, putting the bag between my feet,  and pulled a small snack bar out of my bag. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. I tore open the packaging and crinkled the plastic into a ball, throwing it into a trash bag hanging loosely on a nearby seat. I started to absentmindedly munch on the bar as another thought hit me. Holding it in my mouth, I dug through the bag until I found the small folder I'd made sure to place on top of all of my clothes and things. Crossing my legs as a surface, I opened the packet and thumbed through the papers until I'd found the acceptance letter and other "need to know" information. I quietly read the information again. Orientation was tomorrow, move in deadline next Tuesday, and classes started the day after that.  I took another bite of the snack bar. Best case scenario: I get there early, find my room, and walk around and explore a bit. Worst case, I wander aimlessly around until I find someone who knows what they're doing. I should be fine. I know my way around the city, right? On the other hand, I'd never really gone east of the lake, so that might put a kink in things. The one time I HAD visited the college itself was a bit fuzzy.  I shook my head. I'd cross that bridge when I got there. 

  "Excuse me?" I looked up as a soft voice awkwardly cleared its throat next to me. It belonged to a rather slim girl, no older than me, if not definitely a little younger. Her beige sweater and khakis definitely were a little loose on her, as if she was in one of the in-between sizes. She looked at me through a small pair of thin-rimmed glassed, blue-gray eyes meeting mine. "I hope you don't mind but, can I have this seat?" She gestured to the empty one next to mine. "All the other ones are full... " she continued, seeing my hesitation. 

 "Sure, no problem." I uncrossed my legs and replaced my bag at my feet, scooting over slightly to give her room to maneuver her large blue and white bag around. She sat down with a grateful sigh and placed her bag beside mine on the floor. 

  "Thanks, I was about to start panicking there." I nodded politely. Undeterred, she went on. "Its all been so hectic today, and," She rubbed her fingers over her temples. "I didn't think it would be this hard, you know." I sighed internally. It seemed she was one of THOSE people. But on the outside, I kept up a facade of polite interest.

 "Yeah, I suppose so. Getting around isn't easy..." The bus rumbled to life and began to back out of the terminal. I prepared myself for a very,very long ride.She, on the other hand, seemed to perk up as we began to move. Her smile was one of those I would attribute to a kindergartener who'd just been given a gold star. Normally, it might be considered infectious, but to me it just promised something unpleasant. Not that I disliked optimistic people, but they tended to wear me out fairly quickly.  

 "Its going to be fun though." She took off her white knit cap. "I just know it is. After all, its not every day you go off to college for the first time." She smiled faintly as we finally started out of the bus terminal. "I've known where I wanted to go from the beginning, of course. And Seattle is such a nice city..." Her voice drifted off blissfully. I raised an eyebrow. Optimistic and naïeve: A perfect recipe for trouble.

 "You ever been to Seattle before?" I asked, masking the incredulity behind a polite question. She fiddled around with her hat again before sighing. 

 "I used to go quite a bit actually. My father owns a good deal of real estate in the city. I didn't see much of it, but from what I did, It has a certain kind of charm, don't you think." She stared thoughtfully into the headrest of the seat in front of her. "My dad's been really busy lately, so I haven't been to see him in a while. But he was proud of me for going to his old school. He was valedictorian of his year, actually." She paused again. "No pressure on me or anything, you know..." I nodded affirmatively. Just as I'd thought. She'd gotten the tourist view of the city. But wouldn't she be surprised. She looked down and caught a glimpse of the papers on my lap, her eyes fixating on the headliner of the acceptance letter. Another grin took over. She seemed to do that a lot.

  "No way! You're going to Calmouth too?" I nodded my head feebly. Not that I had any real reason to pick it over the others, but It was affordable, and had been the one I'd chosen before...everything. 

 "Yes, I am. I'm going for the arts. They have a great arts program." It was a little white lie, but just barely. The music program was good, and that was what I was after. What was music but an art anyway? She smiled and nodded.

 "Well, now I feel a little bland. I'm going to have to get into business. Something about me taking over for my father. It won't be half as exciting as yours is, I'm sure." She giggled a little, absentmindedly. "Although, if I had my way, I don't really know what I'd do. So I guess its a good thing my dad picked for me, huh?" I nodded again. She frowned a little, but shook her head, as if to  clear away whatever had clouded her sunshine. She held out her hand to me. "Natalie Lind." I took hers in return and we shook, rather comically and business-like, although I imagined she'd probably been trained from childhood to do it that way.

 "Madeline Perrine." She gave another small smile. 

 "That's a pretty name, but a little Long-ish..." She pondered for a bit, not noticing the look of dis-amusement on my face. Even if it was, her name was about as long as mine. She sat there pondering for a few seconds before finally lighting up. "Maddie is much better, don't you think!" I put my face into my hands this time, not even bothering to hide it before taking a breath and sitting up again. How original of her. 

  "Yes. That's what my friends call me, and what my parents called me," I put emphasis on the word 'friends', hoping she'd get the message, but of course, she just beamed brighter. I sighed inwardly and picked up the folder again, looking for...

 "So are you going to live on campus or what? I heard there were some great apartments just in front of the school. Really nice places." I couldn't even finish my thoughts. After I located the right paper, I unfolded it and looked at the address on the residency form, making note of it. It would be considerably better to know where I'm going before I get there. I silently drew a pen and began filling out the easier parts of the dorm application. I'd already done this online, but we were supposed to fill out a physical copy as well to turn in at check in. And it gave me a perfect excuse to politely recuse myself from Natalie's conversation.     

 "Yeah, but I've got to fill out these forms before I can get my room, so..." She nodded, and as if realizing it just then, reached into her bag and pulled out an identical folder, and from it withdrew her own paperwork. Slightly torn, and crumpled. For someone who looked so neat and organized, her filing skills appeared to be rather sub-par.

 It gave both of us a nice reprieve. And even better, it was one less thing for me to do at the college. So even though it was killing time, it would at least be productive. The questions were fairly inane. Gender, name, birth date, room requests... those sorts of things. I filled it out quickly, only leaving blank the information that I would supposedly receive after orientation. Although I stopped ponderingly over the mental instability questionnaire. Maybe it was a moment of poetic irony, but I smiled slightly as I marked through each as a 'not applicable'. However mental I may be, I was not unstable. Although my grip on the pen did tighten as I crossed through the 'suicidal thoughts or actions' column. Not anymore, not for a long while. I was not going to relive THAT particular time in my life if I could help it. Sometimes death was a nicer option, but I'd haunt the earth in sheer guilt if I tried to weasel my way out of living through my allotted time. I shook my head of the thought and looked up at the ceiling of the bus. The small perforations on the roof were agitating for some reason. Too orderly, if I had to guess. Sometimes that bugged me, it was one of the reasons I liked nature. Geometric pattern could just be so... ugly. I sighed and looked back down at the remainder of the questions. They could wait.  I looked over at Natalie, who, of course not having any problems, had cheerfully finished hers.

 "Well that's that done. Are you finished yet?" I shrugged solemnly. I wasn't really going to be able to finish until we actually got to the university, If we ever would.  

 "About as done as I can be." I slid the paper back into the folder before replacing the whole thing into the duffel. Natalie smiled, yet again, and put away her things before pulling out a small plastic tub from her bag. One of the tupperware containers you could buy cheaply at a store, with her name written across the top in sickeningly sweet neon pink. She popped open the two side latches and opened the lid. Inside where several small cupcakes that, for some reason, looked very appealing, despite being slightly smudged. A large amount of icing stuck to the lid, and it was not hard to figure out why. The cupcakes where neatly packed, but off-kilter, from being pushed around, if I had to hazard a guess.  Carefully rolling up her fleece sleeves, she picked one out and offered it to me.

 "Cupcake? My mom baked them for me. They're really good." I accepted the small white cake, with its small blue, pink and red sprinkles. No matter how garish it looked, It would still taste good. I took a bite, and nearly, so nearly spit it out. The flavor of vanilla was way too powerful. Her mother must have used the entire bottle. I would know, having accidentally done something similar in a 5th Grade bake sale. Needless to say, either her mother wasn't the best cook, or had made a mistake. But, out of common decency, I choked down the bite I'd taken, and surreptitiously held it over my lap. If she asked, I would simply say I was keeping it longer. In reality, I don't think I could down it all in one go. 

 "Thanks, they're, really good. A little on the sweet side, but they are great." I lied through my smile. She, oblivious to my earlier reaction, had taken out her own and was happily munching away on her third bite. 

 "I know, everyone says that. But I like them, and no one's ever said no to one, so they can't be that much sweeter than a normal one." She mumbled through the cupcake  in her mouth. Swallowing, she finished hers off with another bite, and put the lid onto the container once more, masking the cloying scent of vanilla that had begun to insidiously drench the entire back half of the bus. 

 "Have you ever tried any other kinds before?" I asked quietly and politely before reluctantly popping all of mine into my mouth.I just needed to get it over quickly. I chewed and swallowed, keeping my face in a set of careful neutrality, despite the intense urge to gag that was slowly making itself known as the cupcake wound its way down. It was also a little dry, and I had to swallow once or twice to stop it from sticking in my throat, a fate I would much rather avoid. "Personally, my favorite has always been red velvet." She thought for a moment, then shook her head.

 "No, not really. I don't really eat them often, and when I do, It's because Me and my mom bake them together. She's always home so we do stuff like that a lot." I'd figured. There was no other way she could eat them without realizing how bad they were. I wondered if her mother liked them too, or just had to choke them down and pretend the way I did, just to make Natalie happy. The thought made me laugh internally, and she looked at the carefully guarded smile on my face quizzically. I waved it off.

  "It's nothing. I was just thinking how nice it was that you get to have so much time with your mom. I'm sure you have fun at least." She nodded again.

  "I always do. What about you, do you get to spend alot of time with your mom?" I swallowed, keeping the flash of pain from showing across my face. She must have seen something though, because she took a breath to speak with that stupid concerned look in her eyes. I cut her off before she could release the words she had undoubtedly been about to say.

 "Not anymore." I spoke quietly, hoping to divert her words further. "We did when I was little. We would do the usual stuff. Baking, painting, she took me out to a pottery lesson once." I continued on, not even looking at her, sparing myself the pity in her expression. I remembered back to that day, and a smile broke through my carefully stony expression. "We went in to make little vases. My mother made the most beautiful one you can imagine, perfectly shaping it with her hands. All I could do was watch enviously." And even then when I'd tried, it had been a disaster. "When I made my pot, It looked like one of those paper-maché volcanoes you might make for a science fair." I laughed a little to myself as something tore inside of me. We'd gone home, and she was so proud of my volcano that she'd put flowers in it and used it as a table setter for dinner that night. My favorite, to show how much she appreciated it. I don't know why, but the thing I remember most about it was the little laugh she'd had when I'd asked her to take it down. The smile and mirth in her eyes as she bent down and kissed me on the forehead before totally and unconditionally ignoring my request. I held back the wave of emotions that threatened to spill out. I couldn't hold it all back though, and something must have shown through. Natalie was quiet and delicately patted my hand comfortingly. I suffered through the contact, not wanting to hurt her, and even more so not wanting to break down crying on a public bus. 

  "I... used to be really close with my father too." She began, quietly folding her hands in her lap, as if talking about it made her uncomfortable. "We used to go everywhere on his business trips. And even when he stopped bringing me with him, he always brought me home a little souvenir." She reached into her bag and pulled out a small book-shaped locket from one of the myriads of pockets on the bags interior. "This is one he bought for my mother before they got engaged." She bit her lip slightly, but put on a forced smile. "He left it for me on my nightstand this morning, with a little note. All it said was that he was sorry he couldn't see me off, and that he was proud of me for going off on my own..." She quietly returned the pendant into the bag. She took a shuddering breath and looked straight down, her long blonde bangs hiding her facial expression. I couldn't help but feel for her, even if her problem was so mundane. "I haven't seen him face-to-face in two months..." She wiped away something with the edge of her knit cap, and straightened up. Not truly expressing herself, but a small, weak smile hovered on her face. "But I'll get to see him when I graduate." She nodded to herself and shook off the last of her gloom.      

  "I'm sorry for asking you something like that. I didn't know... but still, I think I can relate." No she couldn't, but I wouldn't crush her like that. It wouldn't be right. I quietly turned towards the window, watching as the green of the countryside flew by, conveniently hiding the small tear that broke free of my weak grip and wandered down its path on my cheek. I took another deep breath and let all of the air flow out, emptying my lungs.  I reined in the rush and slowly calmed myself down.  A small and delicate touch brushed against my shoulder timidly. I turned around to see a still faintly smiling Natalie, hand on my shoulder. "Do you like to read? I brought some of my books with me..." I nodded. Books would be a good distraction. She reached into her bag and pulled out two small paperbacks. She handed one to me, cover down. "I hope you don't mind my poor taste in material, but I liked it." I smiled as I accepted the book in her hands and turned it over.

  On the cover, A lone rose  pressed around a silvery white star in the center, thorns encircling it, While a blue night sky surrounded the slightly withered flower. 'In the Moonlight' was emblazoned across the area where the two met, fancifully scripted letters curling into thorns and falling stars. I opened the cover and looked inside . It was an author I'd never read. Curious, and perhaps a little anxious to lose myself in something inane, I flipped open to the first page and began to read. 

   It was not a book I would have picked for myself. Although it flowed well and kept me interested, it was a soppy romance novel.  A cold and  heartless boy, and a female protagonist who ran circles around him trying to get him to fall in love with her. Somewhere into the middle of the book, I found myself becoming increasingly angry at both of them.  The girl had destroyed herself, and her reputation, trying to get around the boy's icy exterior, and he simply was playing with her, humoring her, but never really considering her seriously. Instead, the only one who cared for her was the obligatory second lover, who had, of course, always loved the heroine, but had been too scared to ask. It would be so much easier if the stupid man would admit that he wasn't interested in the girl. And yet, through the magic of plot, as I read on, the Noble suddenly decided that he liked her once he saw the other man. Even as he quietly destroyed her best friend, the heroine fell for his honeyed words and actions, until eventually they both met together on the rooftops and exchanged the usual moonlight kiss scene. But elsewhere, the other man lay quietly dying in the night, bloody and senseless as the noble's men finished him off. I couldn't take it anymore after that. I closed the book, not bothering to read the end. 

  I looked over at Natalie, who was quietly reading her novel, buried in it entirely, although only halfway through it. There was something serene in her focus, a relaxed look that I envied. It was hard for me to fall out of the world like that anymore without unpleasant thoughts harassing me. I looked away from her, staring into the back of the seat in front of me. It seemed wrong to intrude on her tranquility. Off out the window, the wall of trees broke. We'd almost entered Seattle proper, with small homes and other suburban fixtures that tended to hover around the outskirts between the two ridges of hills that framed the northern approach to the Windy City.     

 I'd lived in suburbs like these before, although  a little closer to the city center. I wondered If I'd be able to see my high school from here... But ,instead of looking, I simply closed my eyes and slumped into the seat. I was sick of moving around. I just wanted to get there and get the day over with. The clouds had faded away a bit, drifting off to the north, and the few that remained formed an overcast blue and grey patchwork across the city, marbling the skyline in bands of color and bleakness.   I heard a stifled gasp from beside me and looked up, seeing Natalie's wide eyed and wondrous look as she glanced past me and through the window. Her eyes fixated on the sight before her, completely enraptured. 

 "Pretty, Isn't it. It always looks nice after a good rainstorm." She nodded wordlessly before the bus went behind a hill and the view was broken. She shook her head and looked back down.  

 "Every time I visited, we always came in at night. It was still beautiful, but in a different way, I guess..." Her voice trailed off as she looked back down at her book and relaxed back into her seat.  Taking the opportunity though, I handed her the book I'd been reading. She looked up briefly, surprised, before taking it from me and putting it in her bag. She frowned slightly at me, a little vexed. "How on earth do you read THAT fast? I've been doing this my whole life and I've barely finished halfway through mine, which is like 50 pages shorter than yours," I didn't have the heart to tell her I had skimmed through it and neglected the last hundred pages or so. So I simply shrugged.

 "Lots and lots of practice." She eyed me suspiciously before her expression softened into something more somber and reserved. 

 "Well,"she began dejectedly, "Did you at least like it?" I frowned slightly as I put together a reasonable and polite response. She looked at me expectantly, arms crossed. I took a deep breath in.

 "It was a good book, I won't begrudge you that, but It's not the thing I would usually read for entertainment. " Her face fell a little. But she smiled sadly. 

 "Oh well. I guess not everyone likes the same thing." She sighed before looking at the novel she was reading, which, judging by the cover, was even soppier than mine. The front image was simply two people kissing on a sunset backdrop. "But I always liked the Idea of happily ever afters." She closed the book with another minor sound of annoyance before returning it to its place with the other. "Is that so much to ask? Just for one story, one story to end in a good way?" She shook her head tiredly. "The world's all doom and gloom these days." I nodded solemnly. I don't think I, of all people, should try to cheer someone up, but the look on her face looked a little too out of place.

  "But you know, Not all endings are written yet. There's potential for everything, right?" She nodded sadly before peering out the window again. There was a faraway look in her eyes as she looked at the steadily taller buildings passing by. 

 "Maybe you're right." She looked down from the window as we passed a small group of men walking down the road. Their faces were haggard, and clothes patched and torn. A look of profound sadness settled over her. "And some people get their happy endings... but only by stealing it from others." Her gaze darted up to the Penthouses and high-rise apartments that towered over the crowded roadways.
"So are there really any happy stories after all," she wondered in a downcast and philosophic tone. I felt bad for her. She may have been innocent, but at least she had the heart to care. In the big wide world, people like that were few and far between. 

 "Can I have another cupcake?""Her melancholy did not entirely dissipate, but she perked up and dug through her bag and brought the cupcake container out.  Just as I expected, the moment she opened it, It smelled as if someone had lit a wildfire's worth of vanilla scented candles. Several of the people in front of us made suspicious sniffing noises. I quickly accepted the cupcake from her, and handed her one before closing the lid, tightly. And as I choked back another bite of concentrated vanilla extract, I couldn't help but wonder what I'd gotten myself into.