Raindrops: A Story of Life and Circumstance ; Chapter Seven: Chance and Circumstance

 I’d never been much of a believer in the concepts of fortunes, the future, divination, or any of that hocus-pocus people call magic, but what I wouldn’t have given to take a peek ahead as I sat there and stumble through my lines of piano. But as it was, I sat there, stupid as I’ll ever be, as the hours ticked away, unbeknownst to either of us. That time gave me the most dangerous freedom I had available: Thought. I usually avoided long introspection at all costs, because of how small I truly was in the grand scheme of things. But it was thinking of those very things that made me happier. It was a Catch-22, and one to which there was no easy solution. 

 Primarily on my mind was the question of Natalie. She was sitting on her couch, quietly palming through several books, all open to some degree. The more I thought about it, the more of an enigma she became. From what I’d gathered, she was a very happy person, but her actions had astounded, and even confused me throughout the day. Under the airhead, there was a good mind at work, and under that… I’d seen what kind of pain she hid deep within her happy shell. And it was a position I’d never imagined myself in, to be on the outside, looking into a person who had grief. I’d always been the receiver of those affectations, never the giver. And it was worrying. 

 What did I know about making people feel better?  As I thought back to that simple question, all I could see were the people I’d pushed away. I’d never actually tried to help anyone before, at least, not after the accident certainly, much less be helped in return. Regardless of her motivations, she seemed like the kind of selfless people you always thought were impossible, too good to be true. But, as it stood, Natalie had literally given a YEAR of her life up to help a complete stranger she’d met on the bus that day, and even more, she’d seen through my façade, and still wanted to help. I just didn’t know how I could possibly help her in return. 

 What were the roots of her problems? I knew mine well. Loss and devastation had been my constant companions ever since what I loved was torn away from me, But Natalie… She was different. She hadn’t lost everything. She had her mother, who loved her enough to make atrocious cupcakes; a father, who, although absent, loved her; and a happy demeanor to everyone around her. Unlike me, who’d gone into hiding the moment the funeral was over… I couldn’t figure her out. And try as I might, the thorns around her motivations swirled deeper and deeper. I tried thinking of what she’d said to me over the course of the day. 

 She’d lost her best friend Nicole, and felt responsible for it. That I could understand. I felt the weight of Luke’s death every time I touched the ring. It made sense. I could understand not being able to help feeling guilty, but to the degree Natalie did? A while ago, I had learned to accept that it was only sheer, horrible bad luck that ruined my life, but whatever it was Natalie dealt with, she felt DIRECTLY responsible. Something I couldn’t claim.  

 It begged the question of what, exactly, the circumstances were surrounding her death. Natalie had said, what did she say…? Right, ‘My father finally let her come back’. What did that mean? Had her father banned Nicole? Why? The only thing I could remember was that something had happened, and then Natalie had said they’d been separated… By her father? It had to be something then, something bad enough to make her dad forcefully distance them from each other. But from the sound of it, Natalie had still thought the world of Nicole, so an Argument was out of the question. And something about that had made Nicole distraught enough to, well… off herself. But, even that didn’t make any sense. If they had been separated, and Nicole and Natalie had been AGAINST it, why would she be so torn up over seeing Natalie again?  

 Perhaps I was thinking about it wrong. I took a deep breath to clear my head, and started to compile what I knew about her. A daughter of a wealthy businessman, who was often away. Kind and cheerful, but a very deep and intense passion under that. She’d lost a friend, and had had at least one seemingly abusive boyfriend, maybe more. She loved books, with happy endings, and often spoke wisely and with a thinly veiled cynicism towards the world.  

 Clearly, something had damaged her in much the same way death had damaged me. And it didn’t quite make sense for only ONE death to do that to her, to that degree. Sure, she would have felt horribly for a month or year, but something had damaged her to the core. Guilt was, after all, the easiest answer. Her father certainly wasn’t helping the matter, of that I was sure. If she and Nicole had had a problem, the right thing to do would’ve been to let them work it out on their own.  

 I looked to Natalie, who was still serenely reading away, no trace of the earlier pain on her face as she poured over her pile of books. It would be SO much easier if I could just ASK her, but I knew from personal experience how badly that particular plan would go. No, I was on my own for this. Natalie glanced up at my stare, her eyes a dim blue. It was not the same sky blue she had when genuinely happy, but a muted shade of turquoise. Perhaps that was how she looked when she wasn’t thinking about all of these things. I almost envied her. I’d never really took up an interest in reading, but the peace she exuded as she turned her eyes back down was very desirable to my warring thoughts and emotions.   

 Maybe that was it. She’d learned to control her emotions instead of letting them fester, like I did. Maybe that made her the wiser of us… Regardless, she could spend her free time completely unperturbed, while I was stuck battling waves of second-guessing and burning curiosity.  

 I sighed and took my hands from the keys, quietly slipping both of the sheets of music back into their respective places within the book. The so labeled ‘Best of the Century’ was not the most complete of collections, and I’d already know the majority of the ’obscure’ pieces it contained. When it came to piano, I’d done my research. I picked up the book and slid out the bench, causing Natalie to glance upwards at the jarring noise of wood dragging across lacquered floorboards. 

 “Done already?” I nodded and flashed her a guilty smile. 

 “Wasn’t really that exciting. I knew most of it, anyway.” She nodded dismissively before returning her undivided attention to the book in her lap. I moved into the shelves and replaced the music compendium in its place. Walking back, I sat beside Natalie, moving one of her books onto my leg to read. “You wouldn’t mind, would you?” She absentmindedly shook her head and I peered onto the page she’d stopped on. My eyes scanned the first line. 

 ‘The most important thing to remember when dealing with trauma victims… ’ I froze and looked to the cover. Had she meant to pick up a copy of a Psychology textbook? I flipped back to the page and kept reading. ‘victims is to ensure they are aware of you. If they don’t know you’re here to help them, they may respond with hostility, if not outright ignoring you.’ I paused thoughtfully. One of the first things she’d done was to tell me that she was here for me. Had she been… Researching to help me? I looked at some of the other books she had strewn about. The covers included things like ‘Personal Loss Counseling’ and ‘Dealing with Depression’, which, to be honest, sounded more like a self-help book. My curiosity was piqued, for sure. Was she trying to help me, or herself? Her eyes were very focused, skimming across pages quickly and not breaking eye contact with the book in her hands. I coughed pointedly. I needed some answers. She looked up to me in surprise, her gaze slipping from its iron willed grip on attention.  

 “Hey, Natalie, is there any particular reason why you’re reading… this kind of stuff?” She looked down and at the books she’d gathered, a puzzled expression on her face as she tried to divine my meaning. 

 “This kind of stuff? I’m afraid I’ll need to ask you to explain further.”  I tried to formulate a non-overt way to ask her. 
 
“You know, I thought you liked books with, I don’t know, fluff and happy endings, and true love. Stuff like that.” Natalie chuckled slightly to herself, an amused look in her eyes. 

 “I may be on the ditzy side, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a brain behind the blonde, does it?” I laughed nervously, she’d misinterpreted my question. But to be fair, I wasn’t making it easy on her. 

 “I guess not, but… Why depression?” She stopped and looked at me, eyebrow raised and lips pursed. 

 “Personal reasons. I don’t particularly intend to join the field, but I’d rather like to be able to help people who need it.” I nodded. A virtuous goal, if not slightly impractical. She sighed and folded the book in her hands, revealing the cover. Death in the Family: Grieving. I gulped slightly. She had been researching me. A small smile quirked on her lips. 

 “You know what Maddie, I’ll tell you this.” I tilted my head, intrigued. “I’ll assume you were thinking about me the whole time you were staring into the distance.” I opened my mouth to explain, or at least protest, but she laughed it away wearily and continued. “Don’t worry, I was up ALL night thinking about you.” I blushed slightly at the emphases she put forward. “So, I would have to say, I have a lot of questions for you, and I’m sure you have many questions about me.” She held up the book. “That’s why I’m reading ‘this stuff’. I wanted to know what, exactly, you were going through.” She sighed and replaced it on the stack. “But unfortunately, that book was worse than useless.” 

 “What do you mean by that?” She looked up at me coolly.  

 “Part of the helping process requires someone to acknowledge the death, and you have done this already, I’m sure.” I nodded solemnly. “Normally, the next stage should have already passed, but YOU are still in Denial for some reason, which should have ended when you accepted her passing.” Natalie’s eyes dropped incrementally. “I… don’t really know what to make of you, Madeline Perrine.” I put on a small smile, but she shook her head softly. “Nice try.” I frowned then. She was not going to duck around, was she? 

 “Madeline, why can’t you accept her death?” I froze, processing the question. It was one I’d never really considered, because it was so, out of place. I knew very well that she, they were… dead. It was never really a problem for me. I’d been in denial yes, but nothing could convince me otherwise after the funeral. That sight was permanently branded into my memory, no matter how much I wished I could forget. 

 “I… really can’t answer that. I have no problem accepting that she’s gone. I wish it wasn’t so, but I couldn’t really say I’m delusional enough to deny a corpse.” Natalie nodded again, puzzled. 

 “What were you thinking about, yesterday, when you… broke down?” I reluctantly remembered, cheeks heating slightly. I had been thinking about how beautiful and light her smile was… 

 “Well, I was thinking about…you.” I managed to peep out, quietly avoiding the look of irritation that flashed across her face.  

 “I’m flattered, but what about me triggered the reaction?” I winced slightly, trying not to bring up the corpses grin again. I shuddered slightly and Natalie drew closer to me and pulled my chin up. “What. About. Me. Triggered. Your. Reaction?” I sighed, and looked her in the eyes. 

 “Everything.” She balked, taken aback. “The way you look, the way you acted, the way you smiled, the way you played around, your clumsiness.” She flushed slightly. “I… broke down because I thought…” I hid my face in my hands to cover the embarrassment. “I thought about how beautiful you looked when you smile…” Natalie quietly sat there for a while, and I became a little concerned. Had I said the wrong thing? Should I not have answered like that? 

 “Okay.” She spoke after a terse moment or two. “So, that brought up your sister somehow.” I nodded. 

 “She had the most lovely smile, and she was always sunny, and happy. And you walk along, right like she’d never left.” I smiled faintly as I continued. “When I met you, I thought I wouldn’t like you very much, you were so chatty and positive. But then, you showed kindness and introspection, and I guess I just… lumped you two together. I began to feel protective of you, wanted to make you happy. I went out of my way to cheer you up, and I couldn’t figure out why.” I faltered slightly. “And then, when I heard you laugh, I… I saw her instead of you.” I shuddered violently, and Natalie put an arm over me. 
 
“So your sister and I are… alike? And that’s why you broke down…” she quietly nodded to herself, as If trying to process it out. “Does that happen… often?” I shook my head violently. 

 “No, not at all… I mean, I haven’t… been like that in months.” It was true. “I had one episode about one year ago, but other than that, no.” 

 “And in the room, you saw… her?” I nodded. 

 “I didn’t see you at all, Natalie. Once it started, I just…” I sighed brokenly. “What’s wrong with me?” Natalie shook her head. 

 “I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s something we share.” I looked up at her, confused. 

 “Wha… how do you think?” She pursed her lips and looked at me warily before seemingly deciding on something and breathing out. 

 “I… saw someone else too.” I stiffened. What? That wasn’t… It didn’t make any sense. I was, were we both delusional? Did we both suffer from the same hallucinations? Natalie had an expression of extreme concentration on her face as she remembered. “It was late last night. I’d gone to the bathroom to change and I came out…” She looked at me, determination, and also curiosity locked deep within. “Do you have a brother, by any chance?” I looked at her, totally confused. A brother? I had two sisters, the eldest being Chloe, and my little sister Samantha. I slowly shook my head, perplexion written across my
face. 

 “I have… had two sisters. One who looks like you, and Samantha was five.” Natalie’s frown deepened, her face contorting in a confusion equal to my own.  

 “Did you know any guys, then, with brown hair?” I gasped, my heart stopping. How did she…? No it was impossible. I’d never once spoken to her or anyone, about…him. How could she have known!? As If seeing the look of total bewilderment on my face as confirmation, she continued on. “I saw a guy lying next to you in the bed.” I blushed slightly, but my mind was racing. “At first, I wanted to tell him to get out, but by the time I’d drawn breath to speak, I blinked and he was gone.” I froze up entirely. I didn’t quite know what to make of her statement. It seemed, so impossible, on SO many levels. I had a nasty habit of imagining him next to me, but… that just seemed ridiculous. She couldn’t have seen one of my delusions. Maybe it wasn’t what I thought. I drew breath and turned to face Natalie again. 

 “Describe him for me.” Natalie nodded, closing her eyes as if visualizing. 

 “Brown hair, ruffled. I couldn’t see his eyes, because he was facing you. He wasn’t wearing any shoes that I could see, Blue jeans and a… red shirt?” I nodded numbly. That shirt was one of the ones I’d gotten him on our first date. “And I don’t know if this will help, but he was… holding your album.” I questioningly turned to her. That could be an explanation. I kept many of our old photos in the Album. Had she just looked inside? Was she lying? But, No, even then that made no sense. She would have known what eye color he had if she’d looked in the album. 

 “I… don’t quite know if I can even start to understand…” I shook my head, a migraine already on the way. “Yes, I did know him. But he’s…gone, as well.”  

 My eyes widened at the implications of that. Was I being haunted? What did I do? And More importantly… did that mean that all of our moments had been… real? A small spark of excitement lit within me. I’d always felt with him out in the rain, or in my dreams, but… what if he was really there? Could I talk to him? So many questions whirled around my brain, and adrenaline coursed through me. I had to know, I had to know… If I could just, speak to him. One last time I… My face fell. What would I say to him? How could I face him after what he’d done for me? And now, even in death I was holding him back. Of all the people in the world, he deserved to move on most of all. He’d done his act of heroism, he’d earned his spot in whatever paradise the afterlife could provide. And here I was, his piece of unfinished business, holding him here on earth. The thought crushed something inside of me. Some small part that had made me happy to believe that He’d gone somewhere better. But now… Could he forgive me? Did I even deserve to be forgiven? 
 Natalie looked at my expression with a mixture of worry and confusion. 

 “Are you, feeling well Maddie? You’ve got this… look in your eyes…” I broke out of it and looked at Natalie in surprise. Then the reality hit me, and I recoiled slightly. Was I that crazy? I didn’t even question the fact I was talking about a Freaking ghost, and had went straight into moral dilemmas. I blushed wildly, embarrassment once again taking over. How stupid could I be? Ghosts were not real, and, even if they were, I don’t think I would be holding anyone up in the afterlife. It was a one-way ride up or down, right? No pit stops. I just… Had to think logically. Logic was real. Logic made sense. 

 I breathed in deeply before looking up to Natalie. “Yeah, I just was… having some crazy thoughts. About, you know ghosts… and stuff.” Her eyes widened slightly. Did she…? 

 “Y-you think he was a ghost…” I put my hands up. Yes, yes she did believe in ghosts.  

 “No, no, I don’t. It was just a loose thought somewhere.” She seemed to relax slightly and a thoughtful look crossed her face. 

 “Wait… If you thought he was a ghost…” She suddenly turned to me, a look in her eyes, something desperate and dreading. “”Madeline, He died too? This boy you know.” I nodded, slowly, my head drooping a little. She took this in some unforeseen way, as her face clouded over with horror and realization. “S-so… Chloe wasn’t the only one who you’ve lost.” I nodded again. It occurred to me I should probably tell her the truth, since she was hell-bent on helping me. 

 “I lost everyone.” The words were heavy, but I’d never spoken truer ones. I truly had lost everyone who mattered to me. “My mother, Father, sisters, and…” I sighed brokenly. “My fiancé” Natalie’s eyes started to water as she put a hand over her mouth. Just stating the facts made it seem like such a finality, the feeling of a book slamming shut, as if once spoken, they could not be revoked or erased.  

 “Oh my god…” She stared at me in open shock. I slowly deflated on the inside. This happened every time. Every time I told someone. I crumpled slightly, already feeling tired. Why did I even bother? All it ever did was make people pity me, and I couldn’t stand it. The looks on their faces, their words, so dripping with it… I just wanted to disappear. Was that so much to ask? To go away and stop making people feel sorry for me. But, to my surprise, Natalie pulled me close to her again, and began to cry profusely. I felt suddenly very uncomfortable. Why was she crying? Wasn’t I supposed to be the one who burst into tears now? 

 “N-Natalie!?” I quickly took her off of me. Something wasn’t right in her eyes as she looked back to me, and I let her clasp tightly onto me again. This wasn’t like before. I didn’t… Understand this emotion she was feeling. I’d lost my family. That was it. Why should she be crying? It was a fact. A sad one, but one I’d come to live with. Regardless, I held onto her as she cried herself dry. After an indeterminable amount of moments, she straightened up again, her red-rimmed eyes boring into mine. 

 “I… understand now.” I looked at her, Confusion and panic flooding through me. What did she mean by that? “I… couldn’t figure out why you looked so empty but…” She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “Now I know.” I frowned. Empty? I looked empty? She fixed me under steel again and looked at my soul. “Is that why you wanted to disappear?” I nodded numbly, unable to tear myself away from her iron will. She took a breath in, and then let it out. “I think it’s time we had a bit of a talk, Maddie.” She bored deeper into me. “I want you to tell me everything.” I gulped, but slowly, I felt compelled to do so. How could I say no? 

-===- 

 I don’t know how long we sat there, to be honest. It seemed like ages. But Regardless of the time required, I talked and she listened. She didn’t interrupt, didn’t speak. Just kept those steel eyes latched deep within me, not breaking eye contact the entire time. It was intimidating, but somewhat of a relief to get the whole story out. I told her about how I’d been before, about Luke and how we’d met, and how we’d fallen for each other. I told her about my family, our home, my parents and sisters, and how they’d died. It was a dark time in my life, the three days after the accident. Natalie softened slightly, but didn’t stop her interrogatory glare. I described the funeral, and what I’d felt. I described the time I’d almost fallen from a building, but I carefully kept concealed the parts about the rain and the apparitions. She already knew I was crazy, she didn’t need to know exactly how deep that insanity went. I finished by describing my life with Aunt Vi, and the months leading up to me getting on the bus to college. And that’s where I ended it. 

   Natalie was very quiet, but slowly her eyes closed, and her breathing became slow and measured, as If absorbing every part of me that I’d thrown out into the open. I felt slightly empty, but anxious as she sat there in silence. I didn’t know what she would think of me. After all, what was I to her? I was just a very stupid stranger who didn’t know how to keep her mouth shut. She opened her eyes, finally, and her gaze was steady and measured. She looked me in the eyes and quietly sunk down into her own seat. 

 “Madeline, I know this will sound a bit cliché, and I am glad you told me, but I want to ask you something.” I nodded somewhat nervously. What did she mean by that? Shee took another deep breath. “Do you feel alone?” I slowly pondered the question. If I thought about, no, I wasn’t. I had Aunt Vi. We were both pretty separated from society, but we were, at least, alone together. Other than that, though, I couldn’t say. I didn’t actually have any friends left. I’d made sure to get away from them, and those who didn’t go with it never saw me after I’d moved north to Salish. So, maybe... If not only by design. It had never bothered me. After some quiet deliberation, I nodded slowly to Natalie, who accepted my response passingly. “So, you do feel alone. But you are okay with connecting with others. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered.” I shook my head to that. I was by no means comfortable with others. But to be fair, she’d only seen what I’d been like towards her, and THAT in particular was not something I wanted to put forward for inspection. I didn’t know why, but I did like Natalie, even though every brain cell in my body told me to stop being such a masochistic idiot in dealing with her. It hurt, but something about her made me stop and talk. 

 “No. I’m not normally like this at all. You’ve just been... Very patient.” She nodded again, as If this was something she had been expecting.  

 “Okay then, but you would say that talking about it is... helping?” I couldn’t really answer that. I didn’t know what ‘help’ felt like, much less could I judge the efforts of others. However, the feeling of emptiness I’d had after the first night had been a much better alternative to the pain and anguish before. So, if that was what ‘helping’ felt like, then... 

 “Yes, I think... But I’m not really sure.” She tilted her hair curiously, which caused a massive waterfall of blonde to move over her face. I couldn’t help but laugh slightly at the hilarity of the moment, completely breaking the seriousness of Natalie’s gaze as she blew it out of the way, even as it only settled back down. I reached over and tucked her hair back, much to her surprise, judging by the blush that crept over her. She breathed out.  

 “I just... I want to help.” She looked at me, and I could see the earnestness in her expression. She did want to help, for whatever reason. I would need to accept that. It may take a while, but would It really be so bad to have her try? To be fair, and I hated myself for thinking this, but she really didn’t have anything better to do, did she? I sighed. 

 “You already are. It has been... nice, to talk to you like this. Honestly, I’m glad you didn’t run off halfway through my story.” I laughed, trying to conceal the relief in my voice. Everyone else had run. Or disregarded or stopped listening. It was something new to have her hear me out fully. But I couldn’t keep it all in, and a smile spread across her face. 

 “I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to. After all, I can’t wait to see how It ends. Not written yet, Isn’t that right?” She smiled and closed her eyes blissfully. “Maybe you can have a Happily ever after...” She looked so content and sure... I wished I could have her confidence. She had a simple faith in happy endings. That kind of simple optimism never really appealed to me, but seeing her face light up like that, made me wish I could change for the better.  
 
But what I knew best of all, what I had come to learn, is that sometimes, life is just chance and circumstance, apathetic to story tropes. There wasn’t always a happy ending for the protagonists. Sometimes, the villain wins. But I could pretend for her, for now. It couldn’t hurt to let her see a little sunshine in a world of grays and steel. Ignorance is bliss, but the haunted look in her steely eyes told me she was anything but ignorant. She had seen the darkest side of life, and still retained the ability to hope. That was something to be admired. She wanted to help, even though she was hurting on the inside. And, if anyone could help me, I think it would be her.