Raindrops: A story of Life and Circumstance ; Prologue : A Little Droplet ( One Year Prior )

   The most common thing, I think, for someone to ask is not who I am, or what my name is, but why I do this to myself. Strangers, passersby, old friends, they all have the same look on their faces, the same questioning eyes, the same concerned grimace. They ask the same questions, ask if I am feeling well, ask why I'm alone, why I'm not smiling with them, why I can't love them back. At times, I wish I could tell them. But how can I?  How can a person look someone in the face, into their pleading eyes, and tell them that everything is falling apart, that everything seems to have quickened around you, while you remain, still as a stone in a river, doing nothing but interrupting the flow. What can a person say?
   
   Instead, I smile at them and excuse myself, pretending to not see the look in their eyes, to not see the hurt and pity. I run away, unable to tell them why I can never seem to chase away the clouds. But, I like the rain. It is one thing that is constant and comforting to me. And In Seattle, It is an ever present companion. It is my life in a way, to watch as the storm clouds roll in, black and thundering and mighty in appearance, yet soft and serene within. I walk into it, without care, without notice. There is no reason, Is there, for me to raise my umbrella? The rain makes me feel alive, and in the rain, I can let everything out. When everyone has gone inside to their warm, loving homes and families, I can let the tears flow, warm and free with the bitterly cold raindrops. It is soothing to me, but like everything good, it cannot last forever. Eventually, the rain clouds glide away. Leaving me behind, no matter how desperately I chase them. 
   
   I feel it safe to say I know my ways, why I am who I am. I believe without end that I am doing the greater good in pushing everyone away, In watching them be happy as they slowly forget that I ever existed. It is a relief to see the light not spark in their eyes when I walk by, to not hear my name on their tongues, to not feel their arms around me. Who am I to take up their happiness and care? Who could love a shadow, drifting along through the streets, silently crying in the rain? Is it not far better to let them find the sunshine away from me? For where I go, the rain follows. Where I linger, the roses wither, the trees lose their strength, the colors bleed away into a dull monotone, and the sun finds a cloud to hide behind. Who am I to ruin someones day, to haunt someones life, and leach upon their joy? So I leave them be, and drift away... and I see him, Always Him. My own sunshine, lost in the rain.
   
   I can still remember the light in his eyes, the love, the care. The words on his lips, that he would love me forever and never let go. I remember the feel of his hands against mine, telling me that everything would be alright in the world. I remember his scent, and the way he held me in his arms. I remember the feeling, that everything was perfect. I remember walking in the rain, where we shared our first kiss, under an umbrella, the first "I love you's". I remember so much, and yet, without him, the world began to lose color. The thing I remember most of all was the loving look in his eyes when he finally stopped breathing, even in their last moments focused on me. The moment when all faded to nothing. I couldn't hear the bus driver, couldn't hear the paramedics, couldn't see anything, feel anything, but the slow sliding of his fingers from mine. couldn't hear anything besides his last "I love you". Barely whispered with his dying gasps. Ten years of love, warmth and kindness fading away into nothing. A man who hadn't deserved to waste his life to save mine, and yet, he was the one who pushed me from danger.  I couldn't let go of the ring he had had in his hands, and I never have. In my pocket, forever there, when he could not be.
   
   I always saw people with a smile in my eyes, with him by my side. Without him, no one smiled. They all rushed in to comfort me, but they could not see behind my eyes. They could not see the emptiness that came into my soul and heart, where he had been once. It was not that I did not love them. I loved each and every one of them, and yet, it hurt me more to be unable to return their love. So I waited, I ran, I made excuses. I left what was left of my life, I went far, far away, where I could be alone with him. In the rain, together forever. In those moments, I could feel his hand hold mine, and I could sense the love in his eyes. He stood with me, and made everything alright.  For brief moments, I could feel joy, and passion, and life course through my veins, standing there for hours in the rain.  And yet, his smiling face was always missing, his eyes imperceptible, his body made of air and mist, visible for seconds, before gently fading into the sunshine, telling me to be happy and move on. But I can't. Like a raindrop in a cloud, I can only stay in one place: With him. So I did as he asked, yet in the most fundamental way disobeyed him. I move. Like the raindrops, I hurry along, new life in me as the skies began to darken. Higher and higher I ascend, Until I can almost touch the clouds above me. On the rooftops, I can feel the wind moaning around me, whispering comforts and consolations, like everyone around me had so long ago. 
   
  I watch, in silence, as far above me, a single raindrop falls. Delicately, entrancingly, light bending around it in an endless spectrum. Pure and perfect as It begins its descent. Feet firm, I step onto the ledge before me, not glancing below me at the streets full of innocent minded people, umbrellas raised, concerned with their own little worries. I watch and wondered to myself. Would anyone see it fall? What did it feel, as It began its inevitable decline? What did it see as it passed through its life, short and fleeting? How must it be, to be picked up from the sea, from the multitudes of those around it, supporting it in its falls and rises, to be set into a raging and tumultuous updraft, far from the comforts of its own. Trapped, alone and afraid, in a swirling and roiling cloud of fellow raindrops, all waiting, waiting for something to happen. Unable to move from fear, huddling together, seeking solace in each others embraces. Only to fall as too many came together. Watching as each fell, quick cries and goodbyes as ,one by one, they disappeared.  Lost, torn from the others by wind and chance, alone as they began the last great journey.
 
   In my mind, I saw the people below close their umbrellas, and look to the sky with wondrous expressions, eyes trained upon the little droplet, as if it was the most important thing in the world.  I saw through its eyes as It began to fall, as its friends and fellows fell away, unable to see one other in the storm. Its soul like a little flame in the darkness, growing dimmer. Yet, In its eyes the flame did not burn out. I watched as the people looked above to see it, to watch it fall from the sky, a break in the clouds illuminating its last moments.  In the dying light, the drop gleamed like a fallen star, a perfect gem, glittering like the most precious of diamonds. I watched as it fell, the joy, sorrow, and finality of its thoughts, as its life replayed itself before us. We observed in silence, two hearts as one. Its triumphs and losses swam by, and together, we felt the moment were it was taken from all it found dear. In its mind though, was not fear, or anger, but calm acceptance. I saw that it did not rave against the injustices, but found peace in the inescapable fate before it. Knowing that it would simply fall and splatter, joining with others, until flowing back to the sea, where all of its friends and fellows had gone. Through it, I felt peace settle within my heart.
   
   I closed my eyes, and let us not be two separate beings, taken apart by time and circumstance. I did not catch it, did not seek to prolong its sorrows, but rather joined with it. Felt the rush, and the calm, let myself become the raindrop. I felt as my own memories flowed around me, soothing and bittersweet. His smile, my mothers warmth, my fathers eyes, the love that had once been my whole existence. The feeling of hugging my little sister on her way out the door, the quiet evenings with my older sister, helping her through her own trials, their faces giving me comfort as the ground beckoned with open arms. I saw as, silently, they watched me, missing me and waiting for me to come to them. I saw the smiles they would have when I greeted them at the white gates, the serenity of their gazes. Together, they made me feel at peace, and held out their arms to me. What was one more raindrop falling, falling from the sky among the uncaring masses? I tried to take a step forward, but behind me, the sun broke through and shone upon my back, faltering my stride. 
 
   I felt him again, not an illusion, but warm arms. Their strength of them expressed in a tender embrace. I felt his breath against my neck, felt his tears slowly wandering down onto me. I felt the love in his gaze, even though I could not turn around to see it. I felt his hand take mine. I felt it, not pulling me back, but holding me safe and steady.  In my mind, I could picture him behind me. I could see him, brown eyes and chestnut hair. I felt little hands pull at my skirts, and beside him stood a little girl, green eyes and a small smile. A delicate hand on my shoulder, my mother, smiling sweetly. A weathered old hand on the other shoulder, my father, eyes full of sorrow and understanding. A slender arm around my waist, a tall and beautiful young woman, blonde hair cascading around her tear-stained face. Together  we wept, and for once, just once, I did not feel alone. I only felt the soft sobs of theirs, as ,together, we mourned what had been, and what had come to pass. 
   
   I stepped back, eyes still closed, and felt as they moved around me. I was scared to open my eyes, so I kept them closed, lest they fade away. I felt as, one by one, they slowly let go, each giving a reassuring pat on the back, a squeeze, or a kiss on the forehead as they faded from existence. Until, at last, it was only he and I, locked in time.  I turned and buried my face in his chest, letting the warmth and scent of him soak through me. In response, he gently closed his arms around me, hands reassuringly stroking my hair. I had lost everything, everyone, and all I had held precious in the world, but I still had him. This little, small piece of him that I could hold and be comforted by. A small remnant of his love for me, still clinging on to me as desperately as I clung to it. I felt him slowly pull away, and take my chin in his hand. I felt the gentle pressure of his lips on mine, brief and sweet, like he'd always kissed me. I felt his hand start to slip from mine, sickeningly similar to how it had, months before.

   "Please... don't leave me." I sobbed, in a broken and mangled voice. The hand only squeezed mine again before slowly, ever so slowly, letting go. As if to tell me to stay strong. But how could I? I opened my eyes, and all around me was the grey sky, stretching in all directions against the backdrop of the concrete buildings around it.  I was alone on the rooftop, my island in the sky. I fell to my knees, not feeling the skin abrade and tear against the rough tiles. I only felt the rain, pouring down on me, and the dull throb of my heart, as it cut itself into little pieces with every beat. My screams of pain echoed far across the city, primal expressions of the grief and agony roiling within my soul. What hope was there left to be had? What part of me had not been taken, shredded up, and cast to the winds? 
 
    There was nothing anyone could do, as the raindrops mingled with my tears, as I doubled over in pain, hoping only to free myself of the feelings that drug me through such agonies. Yet I could not bring myself to do it. Knowing he had given his life to save what miserable, pitiful scrap of my existence that lingered on without him. I felt around me, as, tauntingly, the raindrops splattered. Free of their worries and fears, free to find peace, free of guilt. What I wouldn't give to lose myself, and fall to the ground, a little droplet in its natural course...

---FIN--- Proceed to Chapter One---