Scars Never Fade

I have a secret. It's  a secret that only one other knows. But now I realize that I'm not the only one. & maybe I'm not ready to tell it completely , but there's a basis I have to write about. 

I was always the happy girl , the one who always smiled no matter the situation . & if you needed me , I was there. Even as a child that's how I was. I was never a cheerleader , or into fixing my hair or doing my makeup . I wasn't brought up that way. I was always simple . If I had  a few friends I was completely content . And if you saw me on the outside , you'd never know. If you saw me , laughing & smiling , Sitting there in the school yard as happy as I'd ever been you wouldn't of even begun to question it , to question me. 

You wouldn't of seen the real me. You couldn't of seen the fact that I spent most of my childhood hooked to machines , lost in a world of grey curtains & hospital rooms. You couldn't of seen the fact that the one person closest to me lives his life behind bars, serving as a protector to what once & still does mean the world to him. A provider of security, a beholder of love. You probably couldn't of seen the fact that my entire family was close , they were my life . My everything , then they all broke apart in the matter of a night. In the matter of a single phone call . I bet you couldn't see my little black dress on the day we said goodbye . It was raining , a downpour . The sky's were casket black & in the name of god we laid her down. 

When my middle school years came along could you see me drowning in my lack of self esteem? I never felt good enough for anything , or anyone for that matter. So , to all the people who caused that , I would like to ask ; are you proud ? Because you reached your goal. Because I broke & I let you reach your goal. 

In the 7th grade I met someone . Someone who truly changed my life . Forever. As long as I am to live I shall never forget them. They taught me how to live & how to love. Even through the pain. And for a period of time , because I had them in my life I was ok. For once in my life I was truly happy. The next year my happiness left , it packed it's bags and moved away. The person who taught me how to be happy had to leave & so without him , how was I supposed to remember what happy was? 

Flash forward to now. Two years later. When you look at me can you see it? Can you see the reflection of my parents fights in my eyes , can you see it in my tears ? My life once again changed within the snap of lightning . With the words "I've been unfaithful" my life took a turn for the worst . 

Fast forward just a bit & the people who I had always thought would be there completely turned their backs on me , all of them. It went from hugs & long talks to those dirty looks that kill in hallways that I know all too well. I met someone then . Not a guy , no one special , just a friend . A "friend." She is a Special kind of special . She put me down , always . She was never supportive of anything . She'd say if i didn't do something that I'd end up a failure . Or that my life was over already. So that's when I broke . That day. I played sick . I stayed home from school . Here's where I broke. Heres the part really close to me & that I'm afraid to share . That  I can't hold  in & I can't tell . Here's the twist in my story & if there is anyone out there who has been or is going through something similar ; I'll tell you one thing . SCARS NEVER FADE . 

That was the day that I cut for the first time. The day I failed , the day I failed myself . Everything hit me . My whole life did . Everything . The hospital . My family . My friends . How I felt about myself . Or feel about myself . That hasn't changed . And I cut . And cut . and cut. I hated myself for everything . So badly I hated myself . Weeks later , I still hadn't stopped cutting. Because cutting was the one thing that made me feel anything more than worthless. I know it is the wrong way of thinking but it helped me emotionally , it still does occasionally . I felt like I deserved it . Everything I did to myself I deserved. I started burning & learned to do that because it hurt more . And that's what I deserved . Nothing but pain. Because In my eyes that was all I'd ever deserve to be. Nothing . 

About a month later my mom told my brother , father & I that she had been unfaithful . And that was a real change. A slap across the face . And the story of my parents , Is for a different day. 

Now I am left with my parents divorcing added to my list , but now, at least I have something to think of when I'm in my hospital bed.  Staring at the ceiling & at the old grey curtains.

If you saw me would you know? Would you know who I really am? Or would you fall for my fake plastered on smile & my long sleeves & jeans everyday ? You'd fall for it . I know this , because they all fall for it . 

I don't write this for attention , not at all . For all of you who think people wrote about these things for attention you couldn't be more wrong or more mislead . I write to other people , because I wish for you all to know that you aren't alone. None of you . Because I love you  all . Even if I don't know you , I love you . Because I also do that , I love . So much . Maybe even more than I should. But I don't think that's a horrible quality . I wish you all so much love in your life that you drown in it . Because love , is an incredible thing to drown in . I understand you .