The shadow of death
So here is my life story summed up in words.....
When I was five tragedy hit our family hard. We live in Alaska and then it was in a little town called Emmonaks. We moved there with our new family as the troublesome alcoholic of my real father led my mother to leave. Then we ended up here. The beauty of this state was like solace for us. We could run and play and the ignorance of what my family suffered was changed the fateful year of 90.
My sister was the light of our family and everyone looked up to her as she was the oldest. We knew that she wasn't right after the baby was born so we went out of our way to try and admit her to anchorage api. The depression was rampant and we knew death was knocking at her door. They sent her home and the next day that fateful day our poor mother heard the cries of my nephew. She tried to call but no answer, knocked but no answer. Just the screams of a hungry baby waiting form mom to come get him.
The door was locked and she had to find the extra key. When she did she still had trouble opening the door cause something heavy was blocking it. Finally she pushed in the door to find her, gun laying on the floor with blood all around. Death had settled already and rather than stick around mom grabbed the baby and brought him home. It was a cloudy gray day in my memory and I was in the second grade. We all left school to meet at the principles office and that's when my mother said "Connie is dead"
With everyone except for me sobbing I knew midlife as I knew it was about to change.. I was no longer the youngest child at home. We now had me a brother as he became. My little brother adopted in and now was a constant reminder to me that I have to protect him. My older brothers were traumatized but not me I was too young to realize. The more I grew the more they saw the more I was compared to her. She was gone but I wasn't. And deaths shadow walked with me everywhere I'd go. When I laughed I sounded like her, my hair is long just like hers, my pictures are mirrors of her in every aspect you couldn't tell us apart. The only difference is I am me. I'm not her. I grew up with reminders everyday that I am just like my sister I barely knew. They saw me and her as the same and as I hit my teens I crashed inside. I couldn't take the pressure of everyone wanting me to grow up.
I planned on it so why must her shadow follow me as I grew. Everyone asking me to amount to something to become what she didn't get to. To promise them things I couldn't. The pressure was just too much. So much that I counted the years to when I'd make it to 21. So sure that if I made it past twenty this shadow would go away. She passed at the age of 20 and everyone said I was so much like her that I knew that when I turned 20 I would be watched so closely that I'd figure I was smothered. That was when I too got pregnant and had my self a reason to stick around. I barely made it passed my 21 birthday and I too was blessed with a baby boy. Almost like I was repeating history a year behind schedule. The depression hit and I wanted to die but I wasn't going to let her shadow win. I knew I was close to deaths door when a little light inside just flipped on and I saw what I was doing again. My scars had healed once and here I was again wallowing in an addiction that was killing me. Self harm just like she did I was going to go too far. I called my mom and my sons bio dad and said I had to go on a trip. I needed someone to watch my son till I could come back I didn't know how long it would take.
I bundled up my boy and brought him where I prayed he'd be safe. Then I was brought in to the hospital for my treatment. My mother there so nervous but just for me she was strong. I walked through those doors so scared of what I'd become. I knew I was breaking that hold that she had on me that shadow that constantly followed me. Imde a choice that to this day we all can make when we are down. I chose life for my son. That entire time I was there I learned what I had been missing. I didn't love myself enough to live and constantly was reminded of her. Everything I did was her and while I was there I broke freedom that grasp and walked out as me not her.
I could feel the shadow not following me anymore. Things were clear as I went back home. My soul was fresh and new to me. I knew I had something to do. I'd made a mistake allowing my son to be where he was but couldn't change what I had done.I came to him and apologized picked him up from my brothers arms. He had been left on my mother's doorstep before I'd come home you see. 10 pounds lighter still a preemie.
somewhere inside of me I knew that there was somewhere I needed to go. He had called me you see when I was there. A young man that knew I was lost. He asked to meet me when I was ready and my son. Wanted to get to know me. Take the time to be with me and he just knew he needed to wait for me. This man I barely knew was my lightbulb.
I called him and said I was home again and that I'd like to meet. I bundled my baby boy and went to him. He picked him up out of the car and right then I knew this was where I needed to go to learn to be me. He was there holding my son as he glowed and cooked back at him. It was like they were ment to be together. Now 8yrs later my husband is here. Teaching me to overcome pain and suffering is possible I just have to believe I am worth it and that I can't believe what those shadows have said. That shadow of death lurks silently around but now I think it's proud of me. It doesn't pull it doesn't say that I am like her cause now I am me.........
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Hello Alicia,
First and foremost I am sorry for the lost of your best friend, (your sister).Death, a hard subject order to harbor inside, be it for a moment or in your case almost for a life time. With this shadow of death, came another shadow, of your older sister, whom in death, just as in life, has never left you. Death may have chased you but could never catch and ultimately harm you, because of the power and love of your older sister, keeping him at bay. Chased and to be caught are two powerful words but to be able to evade every obstacle that death has placed at your door step, is power beyond belief, the will power you knew you had to possess in the long run, has allowed you to break the stigma that you felt placed on you and has given you the strength, to challenge what you was led to believe was your destiny at such an early age. You have tried so hard not to repeat the unfortunate fate that took your sister from you and your family that it caused you to erect obstacles not only for you but for your well being as well, that you felt was the only answer. You are a very strong lady, to be pulled to the brink of self destruction and with no true help, from no one except the person you really see in the mirror starring back at you, your family and (God), your true savior. We are given medications in life for all our ailments but in cases such as this, medication only sedate, medicate and prolong our ultimate decisions of our lives, until when we are alone and without any means of support....It’s you then that has to decide whether you will succeed by winning in life or losing to death. The monumental life threatening obstacle that has took complete control of you and your life, not to mention, the life of your little one, you are a winner and will always be one in the hearts of all you know and / are come to know you. One of the biggest decisions in the quest to battle for your life, in life is to be able to address your story to people, who may not understand nor feel your endured hurt, because of the lack of in sight, but for those of us that has ventured this lonely road ourselves, are through the eyes of a loved one, questions you not, instead we stand with you in your quest to become the person, you know you really are and just need to get back to. Please keep in mind when all felt forsaken, it was then that the shadow you felt always chasing you, was replaced by your sister, she had accompanied you to be by your side and was at that time, chasing you from the path of the shadow of death, looking out for her sister, once again just as in life. When you felt you were alone in your decision to seek the help, it was again then that you and (your sister), felt this decision was the right path to follow. You weren’t alone, she did not want you to be like her, like all others felt you should, she wanted you to be you, just as now and it’s not a bad thing to be in her (likeness), in fact it’s a blessing.  It allows her to forever live on, in the lives of all that you do and say. If she felt you should not only be a reflection of her but instead make that ultimate decision such as her, believe me, she would not have haunted you back to life. She too felt the hurt you were experiencing and she too allowed you to see that the route you were taking wasn’t one she wanted for you and that the family was hurting enough, from the decision she had made in life and now have accepted in death. Now that she see you have come home, to all those that love you and always did support you, she is content with her sacrifice for you. Your family are powerful people, they hurt when you hurt and they wait for you to get better, even when at times you feel you just can’t or couldn’t go on any longer, they continue to…..Your sister made her mind up and did what felt right for her and in all aspects, her decision allowed you to make the one, that now has you sharing your courageous life you have, with your little one. You are a hero to him, a hero unlike any that can be imagined are duplicated by any character seen on television, are one read in any fictitious book. When the television is turned off you are still there, when the last page in any book has been turned and the cover closes, you are and will be still there, to tuck him in, touch him in all the gentle ways a loving, caring parent only can and the only type, that will experience hurt for him, like no one fictitious are in reality show can. He is you and you are him. You have gone through so much hurt in life, now it’s time for you to continue to live life, for the both of you and be ever so proud of you for your decisions. Everyone that read your post, I am sure, will be touched by this post and  I want to thank you, for allowing us the opportunity to enter the door of the torment once experienced of you and the re-birth you have accepted and proud enough to boast of. I will end here in words by saying I know you not in person but want to say I am proud of you and the tribulation you have entrusted in us all, to have seen what you saw and felt, in your near death experience and your decision, to take your life back but do realize, your sister has not departed, she will always be with you, looking down on and smiling upon her little sister. The sister who had taken that long road ride with death, almost to what he thought, (death) was the end of the journey, yet you defied him and demanded to get out and walk the rest of the way back home but your walk was not alone, you had someone walking step for step every inch of the way, leaving this shadow alone and out of gas, waiting to hinder the next traveler of this road of a thousand unanswered questions of life. In heart I will always place a prayer for you, to remain ever so strong, for you and your family.  Second to none, continue to remember, when you feel you are alone, just look beside you and in the rear view mirror of life, you will find that you have a car load and millions more riding that high way, right along with you.     Â
We all care,
Jimmy
Thank you Jimmy for such kind words. I wanted all to know that wrote all have our demons our shadows that haunt us. And no matter what they are we all have that power inside us to fight that pull to the darker side of life. With our trust in God and faith in ourselves we can amount to anything. Just give yourself a center and with that center you can hold on to that and prevail. My son was my center I held him there and knew I needed to not make the same mistakes that my sister made. The alcohol the drugs the self harm all summed up to death. I didn't want him to grow up wondering why I left him behind. With that I held on and made the choice then my husband was there telling me to please come by when I was ready cause he felt there was something he needed to learn from me. We prevailed together in life and he is my rock now. He showed me I can love myself and it's ok. To have my demons is ok cause I can beat them at there games. Truly a story of belief and faith in yourself and God. I have both and it always works in mysterious ways.....
Alicia,
A proud man and son should they always be, for have a mom who really did put forth her very own effort and fortitude, to use the true leverage she had then and have now in life, to see her through, her husband and little child. People find it hard to believe that when you hurt, your devoted loved ones, truly hurt right along with you and your rock, deserves a standing ovation for being a true man...Rocks sink, due to their intense weight but rocks such as this one, rides every turbulent wave you ride in life and will never sink, not only from sight but will remain in your life and swim with you through each and every channel you will wade through...Hats off to the little guy as well......And as you said everyone has ghost in their closets that haunts their every fabric of life and it helps to expel them without fear of repercussions....God don’t judge, so why should or could anyone else….You are a very strong woman and you gather strength each day that presents itself your way..Keep the Faith and have a (good night!!!!), shall be my next submital, from my end of the world, the time here in (Florida) is creeping up on12:00 midnight………….
To you and yours (Take Care)
Jim