The Story of My Life - The Wilted Rose

I was born the youngest of 5 and lived in a rat-infested council house until I was aged 4. The other houses in the neighbourhood were being knocked down which meant we would get alot of insects and rats and other animals come to the house. During this time I contracted asthma, fell down an open man-hole, witnessed the torture and death of many rats at the hands of my brothers/cousins by arson, trapping, chopping up, poison. I survived from hand me downs from my cousin and never went to the park, but was taken to the pub as a day out.

When I was 4 we moved to Brabazon Road and the house was alot tidier. I was still in the small room and my four brothers still had to all share one room with two bunk beds. I guess I was lucky to have my own room but I always felt very isolated, especially being the only girl too. My dad and mum used to fight and argue all the time. My dad used to force us to eat all our dinner or we would have it the next day. I remember being sick after having to eat something I just couldn't stomach. We would do the chores-washing up, dry the dishes, vacuum, put dishes, cups etc away. We'd be sent to our room if we didn't eat it and we would be disciplined with a belt. This happened to my brothers mostly. I remember my oldest brother standing up to my dad once and they had a physical fight in the livingroom. We would go round our aunty and uncle's house round the corner who had two sons and a daughter. One of the sons was treated really badly and mocked, left out, he was diagnosed with epilepsy which he only contracted after having a vaccination. The Girl, Tracey was always very spiteful towards me. She would threaten to get the dog to bite me, hit me and at one time she pushed my down the stairs and I bit right through my lower lip. She swore she never did it. I couldn't talk and was just bleeding. Dad didn't want to leave the family party we were at when this happened so I was just sat with a bag of frozen peas on my lip. I blacked out during the fall too. When Tracey was a bit older and had a few friends I was still young and playing with a friend from down the road called Sam. She forced us to get naked and tried to get us to have sex with all those friends watching and laughing. This is something I've never told anyone. But Sam told his friend Ricky who mocked me all throughout my school years because of it, calling me a slut and once he kicked me so hard I couldn't move. It was so painful. When I was 8 years old and after years of arguments and things being broken my dad left. My dad called us down and cried as he sat on the sofa and told us one by one that he was leaving. I didn't know how to feel but I was kind of relieved that the arguing and smashing things up and punching the banister with his fist was gonna be at an end. I still loved my dad, I just wanted the arguing to stop.

Once he left we, as kids, rebelled and ate what we wanted, crisps, sweets, we would chase the ice-cream van on our BMX's (I would run along side as I didn't know how to ride a bike) and bully the ice-cream man into stopping and giving us free chewing gum or ice cream. 

I was a very shy person at school and found it hard to communicate with people, I don't know why but I've always had a problem with my short term memory. I've been to the doctors multiple times and they always said I was depressed or suffered from anxiety, which I probably do but there is a root cause that they never bothered or cared to investigate. I was always in hospital with multiple asthma attacks that were very serious. One nearly took my life-they were going to call my parents at 3am as they had given me all the medication they could think of and nothing seemed to work. I was dying. But I prayed and something saved me that day. I have no idea why probably because I was pleading that I still had so much to do and learn. Now I kind of wish I would have just died.

I studied musical theatre after school as I loved music and drama and singing and I really enjoyed myself but I still never really had any friends. I just find it hard to communicate or relate to anyone. I still have no idea why. But when I act I can be someone else and I'm strong, confident, I have all the words to say. When I'm me I'm just empty. I'm cloudy brained and don't know how to relate to anyone. I forget what I say half way through a sentence and my short term memory is terrible. If someone asks what I did during the weekend, for example, I can't even remember. Yet I remember my long-term past. It frustrates me because I have no idea how to communicate this to someone verbally. The last time I tried to explain this to my doctor I was told everyone forgets things. Every time? Wow the human race must really suck then. It's just not true and I knew she would not be able to help me as she wasn't able to empathise. 

When I was 18 I was in a car crash. I was very slim and attracted alot of attention through my looks while I was at college, not at college but at my part-time job at the supermarket. I made some good friends there and some boyfriends, one of which was a long term relationship. Anyway, when I was 18 a group of us decided to go clubbing in town after work and Beth, one of the girls from on the meat counters, offered to drive us. There were 5 of us in the car altogether and I was sat in the back middle seat. The car was a blue vauxhall corsa 3 door hatchback so there were no back passenger doors and we had to tilt the front passenger seat forward to get in the back. During the journey to town everyone was talking and Marie, my best friend who was sat next to me was a rather large lady who talked really loud. I couldn't strap myself in because she was taking up the space where the seatbelt clipped in. Beth got distracted by the talking and was in the fast lane (inside lane) doing 75 mph when she looked around her left should and the car swerved to the right, clipping the inside curb and spinning the car out of control. The car narrowly avoided a white bus while flipping on it's side. The right rear side window shattered on impact as I held my friend, David who was sat to my right, tightly. His leather jacket was scraping against the road where the window, now shattered, used to be. If he wasn't wearing it he would have had spinal injuries. The car flipped back up again and onto it's wheels before smashing head on into the outside barrier on a bridge. We are lucky we didn't go over. All was silent as we all sat in shock. Then someone said "get out the car is smoking" and we all moved to get out...until I realised I could not move. Then I looked down and saw that my leg was broken-my femur was snapped clean in half and it looked as if I had two knees as it wrapped around my other leg. I thought I was never gonna be able to walk again. It took 4 fire engines and two ambulances and 4 police cars to get me out of that car. The fire brigade had to cut me out of the car.

I spent 2 weeks in hospital and had a surgical nail inserted into my femur, going right through the middle. It took me about a year to walk properly again. Even now I have a slight limp.  

I never danced again after that. My college days were over and I worked in various jobs, going place to place, discontent with the roles I managed to land. Retail, to call centres to office admin roles. I had a long term boyfriend who I almost had a child with but I had an abortion as I was so afraid of what my family would think and I didn't have the means to support it. I regret my decision to this day and was given bad advice by the doctors. I was afraid and lost.

I would never fit in anywhere and I was diagnosed with PTSD and an under-active thyroid. I then began to put on weight and broke up with my boyfriend. As I got fatter I lost the male attention in general and I had nothing going for me. I tried to move out of living with my mum and found a two bedroom house but couldn't afford it. I crashed my car writing it off, then fell out with my house mate who didn't pay the rent and then had another asthma attack and ended up in hospital again. Then while I was in hospital got evicted from the house so my mum had to move everything out.

So when I came out of hospital I was in loads of debt, back at home and a failure. Then I went place to place trying to find other work again. I had experience in admin so was going from admin job to admin job. 

Then my dad sadly passed away. He had a swollen mouth due to the doctors surgery not canceling his previous prescription whilst prescribing him new drugs for his heart trouble. So he was on double medication. He would drink 4 cans of special brew a day and smoke 40 cigarettes a day. He was taken to hospital regarding his heart trouble, then went into cardiac arrest. He had a bleed in his stomach and two days before I came in to hospital to see him on December 5th, my birthday. He said he saw aliens and he was scared. The next day he was on the ventilator and he died on the 7th December. We had to make the decision to turn off the life support machine after he went into cardiac arrest. He would not be able to breathe again on his own and may have brain damage we were told. Dad would have never wanted that. So we let him go.

Now I work for a civil engineering company. I've just gone full-time permanent and live in a room in a shared house. The rest of my family are married and I was ridiculed by them until I found Luke, my fianc'ee and I am now the mother of a beautiful baby boy, Noah because I truly believe right now the world needs a Noah. Let's hope he can change the world!