Stranger in the mirror

I was born a twin and for as long as I can remember I always wondered who I really was. I felt different from all the other kids. Being a twin can be a great experience but at times it can be the most difficult. Everyone expects you to be like your twin. People like to see twins dress alike and soon you lose your identity. You begin to wonder who you really are. You feel like one person split in two and even your own parents treat you as if you and your twin are the same person.

 It seemed like I always had to prove myself to everyone and break the twin stereo type. I would not trade my twin sister Kelly for any other sister in the world. She has become my confidant and my best friend. It isn't a perfect relationship. Sometimes we get mad at each other. Sometimes it's a hard relationship but mostly it is one that fills me with joy.

But being a twin has always been a little difficult. Growing up I lost sight of who I was. My parents knew a lot about raising twins but nothing at all about being a twin nor do I think they really understood how difficult it was for us. We did not like dressing up in the same outfit. For us it was embarrassing and nobody ever took us seriously.

 It was hard for me to relate to my parents who didn't seem to understand anything that me and my sister were going through. Kids can be cruel and we were teased a lot in school. Mostly it was I who was teased. I was very depressed as a child. I wanted to fit in but I didn't fit in anywhere. Not at home or at school.  I got so depressed that I started thinking a lot of suicide. All I wanted to do was die. I figured it would make no difference if I were to die since Kelly and I were treated as one person. What difference would it make to anyone if I were to die?

Graduation day finally came. It should have been a happy time in my life but I was very depressed the day I graduated. I didn't want things to change. I didn't want my friends to go off to college. I wasn't very good in school and had no plans for college. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life and my parents were no help at all. They were hard on Kelly and I. We needed guidance, love, understanding and encouragement but instead they seemed angry and disappointed in us. This made me more depressed.

What should have been the happiest time in my life was the saddest. Even our graduation party was a huge disappointment. I wanted Mom to let me invite my best friend Laurie but she wouldn't hear of it. It was a small party and I was disappointed because I wanted to invite friends from school. It made me realize that my mom really didn't respect me at all or care about my wishes.

That summer was the hardest summer of all. I wondered who the stranger in the mirror was looking at me. I didn't recognize myself anymore. Over the next 10 years my life was a whirl wind of trouble. I started starving myself.  I went out on my own for a few months. When that didn't work out I was forced to go live back home with mom and Dad because I wasn't taking care of myself. Mom and Dad couldn't handle my eating disorder. They tried to solve the problem by forcing food down my throat.Mom would make sure I ate a big bowl of ice cream before bed and have dessert after my meal. 

The pounds started coming on but I was determined to lose it.  Losing weight was all I thought about. Things got worse with Mom and Dad. Dad died in 1988. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack. It was a devastating experience. I was surprised that I was feeling a lot of grief over Dad's death. I couldn't believe he was gone. It felt like I was living a nightmare. Mom let out a harrowing scream that sent a chill through my bones. To this day I can still hear that frightening scream. I walked around the house in shock. It was so painful being in that house. I saw Dad everywhere.

It was a very lonely time. Everyone was concerned about Mom and how she was doing. Some of my family were concerned about my brother Bobby. I didn't understand why. I was the only child living at home at the time. I was the one who saw my father get sick in front of me and knew he wasn't going to come home. Nobody seemed to care what I was going through. So I toughened up and pretended to be okay.

My brother Bobby was very angry at this time and it seemed like he poured all his anger and bitterness out on me. He was very hostile towards me and I didn't understand why. Maybe he blamed me for Dad's death.

I spent a few months at home with Mom. Then she and I went to live with my grandparents. I didn't want to go but mom insisted. It turned into a big fight. My grandparents were very over protective of my mom and that made me angry. I didn't think they were helping her at all but making her worse. Two years after my father's death I moved out.

Being out on my own didn't solve any of my problems or make me feel better. I was always by myself. By this time my sister had married and had a baby of her own. I had to admit I was a little jealous. It seemed like her life was going great. She had a husband, a beautiful house and a beautiful baby girl. I wanted so much to have what she had but my life was messed up from anorexia and I didn't know how to stop.

By the early 1990's I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I didn't care about anything and in fact wanted to die. I was very lonely and hated my life. I was sick all the time. I had almost died six times in my life. It took a long time but by 1995, my last hospitalization when I came very close to death I finally realized that I needed to get a grip on myself and that I really wanted to live. I had to learn how to live again. I needed people in my life.

To make a long story short I started going back to church. It was hard at first. I was very shy and insecure. But after some time I made friends. I made huge mistakes in those friendships and had to learn to be a friend in order to have friends. Today I am a recovering anorexic. I still have a ways to go but am doing much better. God has blessed me with many wonderful friends. My sister and I are still close but we are very different. I have learned to take pride in being a twin and realize now that even though we are twins we are very different individuals. I clean houses for a living. I am a neat freak. My sister is the opposite. Cleaning is not something she likes to do or is good at. She works with Alzheimer patients. In life we all struggle. We have to learn how to cope with what God has given us. It's not always easy. Not all of us have close family tithes. I have learned that relationships of any kind take a lot of work. I have learned that without GOD we can do nothing and we won't find any joy or peace in life with him....