The Circle & Anchor

I've never shared the story about two of my tattoos to anyone really. Unless someone was in my head when I experienced what I did I don't know if you will ever be able to fully understand and comprehend but I wanted to at least attempt.

On my left wrist I have the outline of a circle, about the size of a coin, on my right forearm a very thin, long anchor - could almost be mistaken for a bow an arrow by design.

Have you ever had a complete stranger that you know for a matter of hours take everything of you. Chew it. Devour it. Set fire to it, and leave it fucking burning in the street in the rain. Nothing was ever so intoxicating... self destructive, passionate, lost.

It was probably a few months after I had separated with my ex Mark. We were still living together, he had his new guy, it was as good as things could be. I still don't know where my head was, whether i was hurt or just enjoying being free from someones chains. Whatever it was I was impulsive and I needed something, anything to make me feel.

It was Saturday afternoon - quite an overcast day. The sort of days when you kind of don't know whether it's going to rain or not but still kind of sunny. I was in the bathroom looking at my face debating whether I should trim my beard or cut my hair. I lost interest and opened up Grindr.

Within a minute I get a message from this guy. A guy I normally wouldn't message because i thought he was just overly fucking attractive. Every bit of him got me going. White guy, 6"2, slim yet slightly beefy, just natural though, he definitely wasn't a gym guy. He had an even spread of fur down his pecs on to his stomach. Short dark hair and a scruffy face that looked like he hadn't shaved in a week.

He asked me over, but did not mention fucking once. Back then I was a lot more impulsive so I just went for it, what did I have to lose? I had a shower and left for the other side of town, about a 20-30 minute drive.

I rocked up to Unley, a slightly expensive part of town with a traditional yet trashy character to it. I parked in a sidestreet and went to some shopfronts where he told me to meet him. He walked out from behind them in just some shorts. He lived behind the shops in an really beautiful old house. I just followed him like a puppy, not saying a word. I walked into his house... it smelt like aged wood, I was taken by the dim lights and high ceilings. If he wasn't there it could've been mistaken for something haunted - that was the last thing on my mind though. He told me to strip. He didn't say a word... took off his shorts and got into the right side of his bed. His room was illuminated by the tv and soft beaty chillout music played in the distance from his stereo.

He told me to strip and said he wanted to cuddle me.. I did just that. Climbed over him under the covers and pressed up against him with my arm around his stomach. Within seconds he turns around and we kiss. I could taste lingering bourbon or whiskey on him - something about that always turned me on in a guy, but the kiss alone without that was... destructive, mentally destructive. Like the best poison you've ever had. Getting you high and eating away at your head at the same time.

Within minutes I was completely gone. All I cared about in this world was him, pleasuring him, making sure he was satisfied. I cannot explain how passionate this was... I have had SO much sex before, nothing came close to this. He could've said anything, I would've done it without hesitation. He asked me to give him head until he came... I did it. It felt days had passed... lost. He pulled me up to him, kissing my mouth still half full with his load. He flipped me on my back and inched slowly between my legs, rearing my feet up around him - kissing me hard like he was hungry to get something out of me.

He grabbed a rubber from his drawer, and started sliding it over his dick, snapping it onto the base of it. He put one of my feet on his shoulder, put his lips on mine and pushed in. Not rough, but definitely without hesitation... right down to his nuts.

I watched the dopamine swim through the blue of his eyes that were locked onto me like an animal about to get a feed. By that point I had completely forgotten about myself... who i was, my name, my family, my life, nothing. I didn't care, I wanted this guy, again and again. I wanted him to wreck me and take me until i didn't exist anymore. Nothing had felt so good, and so real, and so much like my mind was coming to the end of it's life.

It felt like hours had gone by. And out of nowhere with a few heavy breaths and a drop of sweat off his forehead onto my cheek he grabbed the back of my neck and let out the most fucking intense moan that makes my legs weak to this day... he collapsed beside me with his arm around me face down on the bed. We laid there.

We woke up and it was time for me to go... I looked into his eyes and realised that he didn't feel what I felt - or if he did, it was a different piece of the puzzle.

He gave me a very comforting hug, and a kiss, and opened the front door. I walked out onto the street. I didn't have my glasses on so everything was a little blurry. It was night time now and it had been raining. Everything reflected off the paved main road through the suburb. I walked across the street to my car and burst into tears.

In that moment I had nothing left of myself and had no idea what to think. Completely lost, without a part of myself to fall back on. He had taken everything in those hours.

The image of him stained in my mind to this day, and the mark he left on me. The two tattoos he had... the circle on his left wrist, and the anchor on his right forearm.