thinking about stuff(sorry to be so frank)

So im trying to get a messege out there to anyone willing to listen,without giving the feeling im trying to poke a dead animal with a stick.I look around and I see everyone around me,various professions skills and hobbies that people take apon themselfs to aquire. I seeing myself as a man quite masculin with specific taste. sitting here along reflecting on my life and I keep coming back to the same question,why?
Why are we here? what am I doing on this couch at 10:55am what have I done in my life that equals to whatever sums up another person.I came into this world like ok I like to tell stories,women are purty treatthem nice,things were simple. I like simple,but like you go to school you date have sex flirt around. trying to make something you do mean a fuck life in this life.when almost if not every opportunity has been seized simply make another,well what happens when theres no more office space,or whatever? well people get fired..........ok well what happens to them well they get a new job or they dont........what happens if they dont well they mooch off their parents until they die or move on.it just kind of suprised me that out of all the things I should be thinking about throughout my day you know what do wear do say I was focused on pointing out how frank death was in the world.something to say once you have this there is no longer a inpute,people I grew up with are already dead and the world moved on without so much as a chuckle but because I go over every tiny detail I notice and those lives have an impact.but do they really? like am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Does the whole actions of our life summon itself up to be worth less than a burp,like if you died today would society collapse? no probably not and to be honest im not sure they would remember me much ether. but thats not important,like when I wake up I think to myself do you got your keys? your mental checklist of what you need to have on you for your day,and this includes not physical items like ideas to share and girls you want to talk to. I love talking to women just the way they talk makes me smile,I call that genetic security something in your body that works good in pristine working order with the rest of the world,I look at her and say I like you for whatever reason I choose for the specific moment knowing me it might be something odd like I really want to make you smile,but in my head im thinking oh boy I hope I dont do something foolish dont want to scare her off,but then I look around and I see people like hey woooo lets have sex and then they run upto me as Iif some preprogramed responce should compell me to say can I come?but in my head its like no you do want that,you need to fix this,this problem.so there it is I see the problem and can only compair it to climbing a moutain,which I have done in my life.when you are at the bottom before you stands a moutain in all its splendor,and you get to thinking IM GONNA make this moutain my bitch! so you go about climbing it,and this porticular problem is oddly alot like fucking the highschool slut(which I did not do)you do it drink have a few smokes try not to picture all the other men there before you,but you did it,but in this particular instance this particular moutain,you start to get toward the top and you have that anticipation of what you were gonna feel something like acomplishment that oh yea.and all you see is more people some worse for ware then others all kinda staring at u with a blank look and eventually you find out theres some whole other moutain you gotta climb before you can say yay I did it and move on.and no matter what moutain you climb you wind up at the same result,yet as you climb more moutains you see more people with more like minded ideals,and I think to myself ok now we are getting somewere dont fuck this up,you have a job a home a girl but now you need your purpose in life and this is it.this series of problems in your life that sit stuck on a loop,on one hand you have your familys safty to consider,and on the other your own personal self worth,I find myself again after having done all this filledup my picture books with my Iindividual memories,have the person I wish to share the new ones with. but why are we here,and on top of that moutain I look around and one guy tries to mention religion or give some kinda scientific explanation to it all,and they shoot him in the head and say oops? like nobody wants that answer it hasnt worked for us yet.we are human beings you would think with all weve acomplished we could overcome this.but we all just look around and say idk?