Two be Kate By Ben Goode (c) 2008

I remember regaining consciousness after whatever it was that happened to me.

I was lying flat on my back outside, among long grass covered with cold night dew.

It was an isolated and dark place; I could see the stars so clearly in the sky.

I could hear the crickets piercing the still night with their shrill noises.

I felt my life slowly drain from my body.

I could smell and taste blood in my mouth; I could feel my whole body was covered in it.

I remember crying in pain, and then just giving up.

My screaming out for help seemed to be futile. I couldn’t even remember what happened to me. And I had no idea how I got there. Wherever the hell I was!

“God help me” I whispered in prayer.

Then there was just nothingness, as I felt myself slipping away.

I don’t know how much time passed as I lay there alone.

All I knew was that I was dying. Whatever time had passed, very little was left for me.

“Hey, hey stay with me!” A mans voice abruptly woke me. “Stay with me come on!”

I felt so weak and fatigued, but I was relieved to know someone had found me.

I could hardly open my eyes, but I saw a friendly face. He was an ambulance officer and there were others, along with police looking down at me.

Blue and red lights were flashing all around.

I felt air fill my lungs as an oxygen mask was placed over my nose and mouth.

I must have lost consciousness again.

The next time I woke was on a stretcher inside the ambulance. I could see the same ambulance officer again, and I could feel his hand holding mine as he talked to me.

“Come on Kate, we’re nearly there, stay with me. You have to stay awake!” He ordered.

He was such a nice man, and good-looking. He was the last person I saw, before total darkness overcame me.

It’s hard to describe that darkness, my consciousness finally emerged from.

It wasn’t just sleep, it was absolute oblivion.

I had come back from it somehow. I knew I was now just sleeping.  

My mind felt like it was in a dreaming state, but the dreams were unlike any I had ever had. There was this series of vivid thoughts which had flashed into my mind.

There were people, places and events. But nothing was as recognizable as it should have been. I felt as if I was watching somebody else’s life, certainly not mine.

I wasn’t awake, but why wasn’t I awake? What happened?

I then felt pain, it wasn’t that obvious at first but then it washed over me like ice cold water and forced me awake. I couldn’t see anything at first, but sound gradually seeped into my ears, the sound of voices, it was people talking, familiar people.

“Look she’s awake!” a voice said, it was my mother. “My god she’s awake!”

“Be calm Mrs Berlin, give her some space” another voice said, it sounded like my Doctor, yes it was Doctor Garran. Why was he here?

“Is she going to be alright?” another voice asked, it was my father.

I could suddenly see the people I knew were there.

They were standing over me in bed; I didn’t know why they were there at the time, all I knew was the pain, especially in my wrists.

“What’s happening?” is all I could ask, my voice was husky, and my throat hurt.

I could feel my mothers hand grasp mine, her hand was clammy on my dry skin, and I could feel pins and needles in my fingers.

“You had an accident, you’re ok now.” My mother said.

“Shouldn’t I be in a hospital?” I asked as I looked around. “This is my room..”

My doctor looked down at me with concern. He was of African extraction, with a finely trimmed beard, he looked very distinguished and trustworthy, at least my memories of him seemed to recollect these qualities.

“You were in hospital; you’ve been in a coma for the last two years. A few weeks ago you showed signs of regaining consciousness so your parents requested that you come home, and be able to wake up in a familiar environment” the doctor informed me.

“Two years?” I asked as my mind reeled. “Oh my god what happened to me?” 

I looked unswervingly at my mother. “Mum please tell me what happened!”

But she remained silent, her lips trembled, she seemed to want to say something.

“All in good time Kate. For now just rest, we have plenty of time to talk about what happened.” The doctor replied.

 “Damn it! I don’t want to rest, tell me what happened!” I found myself demanding.

“Sorry Kate not just yet? Look how about we compromise? I’ll have someone bring you a blank diary and a pen so you can write down your feelings, questions and thoughts. And once you’ve done that we’ll sit down together and address the issues ok?” The doctor suggested. He had a calm and soothing voice, I found it hard to press the issue.

“Am I able to walk around? I feel like I can walk.” I asked.

My parents looked at each other not expecting the question, and the doctor fetched something out of his Gladstone bag. It looked like a syringe, it was a syringe! 

“Sorry Kate you can’t walk around just yet, your body needs time to heal and you don’t need the stress.” The doctor advised as he gave me the needle. “We’ll leave you be for a while. Your parents will put on some of your favourite music to listen to.” The doctor nodded to my parents.

They all left the room in unison, but not before they had put on the music. It sounded very unusual, very gothic, with especially dark overtones. It was almost poetic in nature. I could hear some of the lyrics, at least the ones that I could make sense of;

‘We dance in the shadow kings silhouette, with our souls we see people we have never met. Our time of grand splendour has come to be, with our minds we have seen what other mortals will never see.’

I couldn’t help but wonder how this music could possibly be my choice. Maybe my way of thinking had changed over the two years during my so-called coma. I really wanted to remember how I got into this state, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t recall.

I remember swiftly getting very tired again, but it was sleep this time, restful sleep.

My mother woke me; I believe it was the next morning. My father and the doctor were nowhere to be seen. My mother looked as if she had gotten dressed for work.

She had prepared me some breakfast in bed and looked as though she was organising me for something, although I didn’t know what for until she spoke.

“School today darling, please get up and get ready or we’ll be late.” She said.

“I still don’t feel very well” I said, and I didn’t. “Can I have another day off?”

“I think two years is enough young lady, you have a lot of catching up to do. Most of your friends have graduated and are going to college now. You’ll be the oldest girl in class at school.” My mother said coldly.

I thought her tone was very harsh considering the circumstances.

“I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t feel like I can even get up and walk.” I replied.

“You haven’t even tried have you?” she scolded. “Get up I have no time for this!”

My mother dragged the sheets and blanket off my bed and then grabbed onto my bandaged wrists and forced me to sit up. I could feel intense pain shooting through my whole body. I didn’t want anyone to touch me; I didn’t want to be hurt again.

I couldn’t help but scream, which must have gotten the doctors attention, as he rushed into the room with my father.

“Mrs Berlin let her go immediately!” the doctor ordered. “What are you even doing in here?” He yelled angrily.

“You said she should be ready now!” My mother said irately. “What are we paying you for anyway, this is taking too long!” She walked right up to the doctor, but my father tried to console her. “She needs to go back to school.”

“Mrs Berlin, if you continue to interfere with my work and go against my recommendations, I will refuse you any further assistance, and I will take no responsibility for any repercussions, is that clear!” The doctor said harshly. 

“Yes doctor, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” My mother asked.

“I would like you to see if you can find some of Kate’s friends, so that they may visit her.” The doctor recommended. “You’d like to see your friends wouldn’t you Kate?” The doctor asked me.

My parents looked at each other again, my mother did not look happy.

I wasn’t really sure who these friends were, but I considered perhaps they might help me remember part of my life before I ended up in the accident, so I nodded at the doctor in agreement for whatever it was worth, it was sure better than trying to move myself out of bed and going to school. I couldn’t help but wonder why my mother was trying to rush me, and why my father stayed so silent? What a wimp!

My parents left the room, but the doctor remained and helped me lie back into a comfortable position on my bed. He was gentle, and his voice was soothing.

“I’ll have some photo albums brought into your bedroom shortly. They may help you regain your memory.” The doctor informed me. “In the meantime my daughter, who is a physiotherapist, will visit you. She has been helping you all along to exercise your muscles during your coma. Hopefully soon she will help you to walk again.” The doctor smiled.

“But I can feel my legs, I can move them, I feel like I can walk now.” I insisted.

“I never said you were paralysed Kate, but if you try and stand now after two years without completing the proper exercise program, your leg muscles won’t be able to support you. Is there anything else I can get you in the meantime Kate?” The doctor asked kind-heartedly.

“Just information, I want to know what happened to me.” I asked pleadingly with him.

“Kate I know you are curious, but you have to be patient, I can’t just tell you what happened, you need to remember yourself, and that way you’ll comprehend why and how it happened.” The doctor explained. “While you have memory gaps you are susceptible to memory manipulation that is other peoples interpretations of events, not yours.”

“So? I don’t care if someone else tells me; I’ll probably remember what really happened anyway. I just want to know. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. My mother seems angry at me for missing school.” I told the doctor.

“You see? Your mother has already made an impression on your conscience. That was never meant to happen.” The doctor explained.

“But in this accident I had, was it something I did wrong?” I asked. “Was it my fault?”

 “You haven’t done anything wrong Kate. You haven’t hurt anybody else if that’s what you’re worried about. You were the only one hurt, and you need time to heal.” The doctor patted my right hand gently. “That process might take some time. Luckily your parents care enough about you to fund my remedial care.” The doctor smiled. “And I can assure you, not just anyone has that privilege.” The doctor retrieved another syringe from his bag, and he prepared my arm for the injection.

“What’s that for?” I asked the doctor curiously. “I don’t remember your asking permission whether I want that or not.” I said warily.

“Sorry Kate but it will help you relax. Now have a rest Kate, doctor’s orders” the doctor smiled again.

I don’t remember much after that, but I woke up in what seemed hours later. There was a lady massaging my feet and lifting my legs gently at the same time. I presumed she was the physiotherapist the doctor had informed me about. She was obviously the doctor’s daughter he had mentioned. She seemed to have a very gypsy like fashion sense.

She seemed pleasant enough; she looked at my face with a smile to see me wake up.

“So I finally get to see your lovely eyes. Hello Kate I’m Marsha your physiotherapist. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you before I started, but I guess I’m just used to you having your eyes closed through the session.” Marsha joked.

“I guess I haven’t been much company.” I smiled.

“Oh well I’m used to it, but it’s nice to see you’re back in the land of the living. How do you feel, I’m not hurting you am I?” Marsha asked caringly.

“No its ok, it’s quite good actually.” I replied. “I can see the striking resemblance you have to your father. Oh don’t take me wrong it’s a compliment.” I said quickly.

“That’s ok I get that all the time. You should see my brother he not only looks like my father, he acts just like him. The two of them together drive me nuts! Marsha laughed

“Well I prefer your bedside manner.” I complimented her.

“Oh that’s nice to hear, I don’t often get direct feedback from my patients as you can imagine, since most of my patients are in a comatose state, but I also specialise in patient recovery and rehabilitation. I find that work particularly rewarding. I hope I can help you to walk again as I have succeeded in so doing for many others.” Marsha smiled again; she had a lovely smile and seemed very friendly and genuine.

“Do you have a sense of humour?” Marsha asked.

“I think so, from what I can remember anyway.” I replied.

“Well then we’ll get along famously. I’d like to hear you laugh; I reckon you’d have a great laugh.” Marsha observed.

“How can you tell?” I asked curiously, even though I didn’t really know myself.

“You’ve got good laugh lines on your face. You see I notice these things. I study people’s faces, especially those in coma’s. I like to look for their reactions to my therapy, but mostly I just like studying faces, it fascinates me what you can learn from them.”

“What have you learned from mine?” I asked, trying to get some answers.

“Ah I was told you were curious about what happened to you, but I was also told I couldn’t discuss it with you.” Marsha smiled, but her smile was like the Cheshire cat that drank the cream. I could tell she wanted to tell me something.

The look on my face must have convinced her I really wanted to know. Thankfully she reluctantly conceded my first clue.

“Nothing is what it seems Kate, be careful of old acquaintances.” Marsha looked around cautiously. “That’s all I can tell you, ok?” Marsha whispered.

I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but it made me think all the same. I hardly remembered old friends, never mind old acquaintances.

Marsha finished up her massage session and left me alone again. I closed my eyes for what seemed to be hours. I slept deeply and dreamt about strange people and strange places. Among all the imagery there was a voice I recognised reciting a poem.

He had a soothing voice, and articulated the poem eloquently, even though the lines of the poem held such simplicity. But because of that, it wasn’t hard to remember it, and I wrote it down as best I could in the diary the doctor had provided, when I woke up.

It went something like this:

I am a black cat when

I’m supposed to be white.

Forced into the daylight,

when I prefer night.

I want to be different,

But all you can see,

an illusion, a lie,

a stranger not me.

Who am I? Who am I?

I simply won’t show

If you don’t know me,

There’s a truth you don’t know.

Run away, run away,

And be with me.

I’ll show you a side of life,

You’ve never seen.

I dance with the shadow king.

He dances with me.

He knows who I am,

Only he’ll set me free.

The shadow king was so familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember in what context it was.

Then I remembered the shadow king was in a song I had heard earlier.

I wondered whether I should mention it to the doctor.

I pondered for a while and found myself drawing a face; it was a male shaped face with a square jaw and long black hair. I couldn’t draw the features of the face, I couldn’t quite remember them.

I felt my eyes getting heavy after a while, and then my eyes closed; when they opened again the room was completely dark.

I looked at the clock which said 10pm, and wondered why nobody had woken me up for dinner; I was feeling very hungry and cold.

I realised the main window was open as a chilly breeze flowed in. I didn’t really like how wide the window was open. Then I could feel it, it was a sense that I was being watched from the far dark corner of the room. A solitary dark silhouetted figure was standing there silent and still. I was frozen in fear and found my voice whimpering through my sore throat as I spoke into the total void of darkness. “Who’s there?” I asked.

It was all I could do. My heart raced with anticipation.

“It is me black cat, do not fear.” A voice replied, it was the poet’s voice, from my dream.

“Please go, I’ll scream if you don’t. Please leave me alone.” I pleaded. I didn’t care if his voice was familiar or not. He was a stranger to me, and he had invaded my space.

“You’ve been away from me for far too long.” The voice replied.

I screamed louder than I thought I could, my eyes opened wide and I found myself thrashing in bed with panic. My bedroom light flashed on, temporarily dazzling me, and my parents and the doctor entered without delay.

“Kate what’s wrong?” the doctor asked me with alarm.

My mother and father sat on my bed and each held my hands, which were clammy this time. I found myself less excited, but I still felt my heart racing in my chest.

I looked over in the direction of the window and the corner of the room I had heard the voice come from, the window was open, but not as much.

“There was a man in here!” I found myself saying. “He was over there.” I pointed to the corner. My parents and the doctor looked bewildered.

“There’s nobody here Kate, you’re safe, there’s security guards surrounding the house” my mother said. The doctor and my father looked at her with a strange contemptuous look. I realised she must have said something they didn’t want me to know.

“I know what I saw. He said something to me.” I insisted.

“What did he say dear? Did you see what he looked like?” My mother interjected.

“That will be all Mrs Berlin, if you please!” The doctor scolded my mother.

My father looked very annoyed at the doctor and put his other hand on my mothers shoulder reassuringly, but she irritably nudged it off.

“Kate, it must have been a dream. You need to calm down.” The doctor insisted.

But I was fed up and wanted answers and wasn’t going to be subdued again.

“I want to know what’s going on!” I yelled out loudly. “Why are there security guards around the house?” I looked around at them all. “Who was in my room?”

The doctor went to get another needle, and I felt my parents grip my hands tightly.

They weren’t comforting me anymore; they were going to hold me down while the doctor injected me with whatever it was, in that needle.

I didn’t want any more needles and I felt I could use my legs again so I thrashed around again and loosened their grip. I sat up and then positioned myself to slowly stand on the bed as the doctor still approached me. My parents still tried to grab me but I hit and kicked their hands away.

“I knew it, I knew I could walk!” I said out aloud. “But every time you gave me a needle you stopped me didn’t you?” I insisted. “You’re all trying to keep me here aren’t you?” I was filled with horrible rage and confusion.

“You need to get down off the bed. Do you understand?” The doctor insisted.

“I won’t!” I cried. “If you come near me again I’ll kill you, do you understand doctor? I’ll kill you all!” I said as my fists clenched tightly.

“Enough! This needs to stop Doctor” My father finally spoke up; my mother looked at him with a glance of what seemed to be relief. He wasn’t a wimp afterall.

I stood defensively on my bed while I watched and listened to what unfolded next.

“Mr Berlin, nothing good will come out of this. Your daughter is traumatised from a nightmare. You are humouring her behaviour which is unacceptable.” The doctor said sternly. But my parents didn’t seem to care what he said anymore.

“You either help me sedate her, or I’ll walk out!” The doctor glared at my parents.

“Then walk out God damn it!” My mother replied angrily. “We are quite capable now of taking care of her ourselves.”

“Humph if only you’d taken care of her the first time.” The doctor said derisively.

“And just what the hell does that mean?” My father asked scornfully. “We were victims of circumstance. How dare you question our parenting?” My father irritably waggled his index finger at the doctor.

“Look Mr Berlin I don’t have time to debate your parenting skills. Once I walk out that door that’s it. Whatever happens to Kate this time is on your head. Maybe she’ll be lucky, maybe this time you’ll get it right!” The doctor said disdainfully.

My fathers rage overcame him and he went to attack the doctor with a powerful punch.

However the doctor caught his punch skillfully and held my fathers fist like a vice.

“Don’t be irrational Mr Berlin; you never know when you’ll need me again.” The doctor released my astonished father, and left the room with his things without any further word or incident.

All my parents could do was look up at me, I was still very wary, and a bit frightened, but the looks on their faces disarmed my tension.

They seemed to really care about me, but they had a lot to answer for.

“I want to know the truth, and I want to know it now!” I demanded looking down at them. They asked me to sit down, I reluctantly complied.

Then they in turn began to explain it all.

“Two years ago you left the house against our wishes, to go the Shadow Kings concert in town.” My mother explained. “It was your favorite group, and at the time I didn’t understand your love for Shade King, the lead singer of the band.” My mother continued.

I found myself recalling some of the time I had spent with Shay, they were good memories. I then remembered what he looked like. He was the one I had tried to draw with the long black hair. It was Shade who called me ‘black cat’ as a term of endearment.

I liked when he called me that, I remembered the love I felt for him.

I remembered that sometimes Shay would sneak into my bedroom through my window.

He would wake me some nights reciting some of the song lyrics I wrote for him, but I didn’t share that memory with my parents. Another significant memory came to me.

“I wrote some of the songs for the band.” I said attentively.

“Yes you did. I didn’t know that at the time. I thought you were into some occult religion taking drugs. I realize now I was wrong.” My father admitted.

“So what happened to me?” I asked curiously.

“Well according to the police report your ex-boyfriend Kane Marcos allegedly didn’t like your involvement with Shay, and went to see you after the concert. According to witnesses he asked you if you wanted a lift home which you apparently accepted. But you didn’t come home.” My mother said tearfully. My mother’s eyes were downcast.

“Kane allegedly took you out into a remote bush land area where he tied up your hands with wire, and stabbed you twelve times, after raping you.” My mother paused. “He was arrested as a suspect. But there wasn’t enough evidence to convict him. To this day the bastard is walking free somewhere.”

My mind flashed back to some of the horrific memories from the incident.

“I died out there didn’t I?” I asked as a chill went down my spine.

“Yes you did, you had lost too much blood, and there was nothing the doctors could do to save you, except one.” My father explained.

“What happened, how did he save me?” I asked pressingly.

“Well he didn’t save you from death as such.” My father said with difficulty. “Kate what I’m trying to say is, you were regenerated as a clone.”

“I’m a clone?” I asked in disbelief. “That’s impossible I can’t be.”

“Kate please we love you just as much.” My mother started to say.

“Oh Christ Jan what sort of deranged comment is that!” My father rebuked as he glared at my mother in disapproval.

“I’m sorry Kate; I didn’t mean it that way.” My mother said apologetically. “I didn’t want to lose you. The very idea of life without you was unfathomable to me.”

“You mean to us Jan.” My father corrected. “We didn’t want to lose you Kate.”

“But you did lose me, the real me!” I said defensively. “I’m not your daughter at all; I’m just a phony, some photocopied thing!”

“That’s not true. You still have our blood; we’re your family Kate.” My mother tried to assure me. “You’re still our daughter.”

“If I am a clone of Kate, why have I felt so much pain?” I asked looking at them both for answers. “I have felt stabbing pains all over my body.” I exclaimed. “Why is that huh?”

“Why do my wrists hurt when it wasn’t actually me who was tied up with wire?”

I unraveled the bandages on my wrists; there was not even a scratch on my skin.

“I suppose your body may have experienced phantom or sympathy pain from your original self.” My father tried to speculate. “After all you inherited some memories associated with a horrible and painful incident. It may be just your minds way of dealing with it.” My father concluded.

What he said made sense, although only the doctor could know the truth, but he wasn’t around to talk to anymore. And I guessed even if he was, he wouldn’t tell me anything.

Months passed after that conversation. It was hard for me to accept what I was.

Nobody knew outside my family, nobody needed to. I never saw the doctor again.

As far as everyone was concerned I was the real Kate Berlin who had survived a horrifying ordeal, and miraculously recovered from a coma after two years.

I made new friends at my school, and life was returning to normal as far as my parents were concerned. I never saw Shade again; I learnt he was on tour with his band.

I caught up with the ambulance officer who had helped my predecessor; I found out his name was Jeffrey, I thanked him for his kindness. He was understandably quite shocked to see me again. But he was happy to know what had become of me.

I had asked Jeffrey where he had found me that night, he directed me how to get there.

Although it was difficult, I plucked up the courage to revisit the scene of the crime,

however this time it was during the day.

I swore then and there that no one would ever hurt me, after Kate’s legacy.

I had inherited her life, her family and her precious memories.   

I felt it was a miscarriage of justice that the original Kate had died at the hands of an unpunished murderer. I owed her a debt of retribution, and I was determined I would find a way to settle it up with Kane. It was my turn to be Kate.

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