Wanting too much.

“I’m fed up.”, that’s what people always used to say; everyday was another day when someone was fed up. I’d always wonder what it meant, because whenever it was asked they’d reply “everything”. What can be wrong with everything? there was always a specific reason for it, usually a friend had pissed them off, or their boyfriend or parents or or or etc. I could go on for days, but what happens when you do truly become ‘fed up’ with everything, is that depression or boredom? Is that the feeling when you wake up and the whole world looks grey and there’s a banging in your head telling you to curl back into bed. I don’t know if i’m honest. 

Sometimes I do get that banging in my head though and it tests my will every time. It makes: moving difficult, thinking hurt and most of all feeling hurt. I wish my life was better a lot of the time, but I understand life has to be hard or it isn’t life. I don’t know what I want to do apart from move away, start again somewhere new, be better. I think i’m running away and I know that’s not the best solution, but I’ve decided that’s my only solution, my town drives me insane. I want to make something of myself, you know be great and all that. I’d like to have the world at my feet with a big fancy job in a media company doing something important (I can’t imagine what yet); Disney would be right for me, I’d walk around knowing that I work for one of the biggest corporations in the world.

It would be nice if my life was more romantic; I have a boyfriend who i’d like to keep, if I can. But I want FIREWORKS and the feeling of hundred of butterflies flying round in your stomach when your nervous. I miss being nervous in away it’s weird not to be, i’m calm in front of him, because he knows me too well. He knows every move or act before I make it. I try to push his buttons; I want to see him out of control, out of his comfort zone, surprise him. He always lets me win though, he’s a gentleman like that.