Watching Room, Sitting Room, Reading Room

1. Watching Room

“Sing in me Muse and through me tell the story of that man, skilled in all the ways of contending, harried for years on end.” Also, if it’s no trouble give some mention to how “Once upon a midnight dreary as I pondered Weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volumes of Forgotten” game shows featuring people you think your parents Might have heard of. This wasn’t entirely my choice, I blame it on the perpetually grinning figure sitting on my sofa and no it isn’t the Joker.

The grinning figure is my friend, Dazz staying with me since his own house has been flooded, or at least his kitchen, which actually makes up most of his house- it’s very cosy there (or was prior to the kitchen being flooded)!  “Water, water, everywhere and all the boards did sink, water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink".

I’m not showing off but to let him stay with me, knowing of the havoc he may cause is rather noble on my part. I feel as though by doing this I’m not only providing Dazz with a favour, I’m providing the community with one.

It really is almost as though I am participating in Community Service. Though, there is no need for me to actually participate in Community Service I haven’t stolen anything.- Well there was that Miniature Haribo sweet bag incident years ago, but I honestly didn’t notice what I was doing.  By the time I did, I’d eaten them all.

They’d think I was an unconventional sociopath if I went back to the shop with 5p (in real money) to pay for a packet of sweets they didn’t even notice had gone.

I know for a fact Dazz will be unable to flood my kitchen though, because there are no taps in there. The reason for this admittedly is also completely Dazz’s fault. He has at least succeeded in making my flat visually striking- I never thought a place could be described with the word “unforgiving” but this was much before I’d ever invited Dazz over. But I know he doesn’t mean any of these things-he really does have a heart of gold

An official claim must be made that nothing currently on the omnipotent box (TV) has enticed us.

Though I’m not sure I can say anything entices Dazz. I could probably put him in front of the tumble dryer for the rest of the evening- oh no I couldn’t because my tumble dryer has been destroyed. There is no need to name the guilty party (Dazz) .God I’m a bloody saint to tolerate all this lets be fair!  I leave the room to go about the art of pouring myself squash, oh yeah that’s right; I know how to live life on the edge. If anything goes wrong tonight I can always force him to read something- in his world that’s the worst possible torture. I leave Dazz with strict, and I MEAN strict instructions … not to turn on the PS3, I’ve had problems with it which for once he is blameless, however letting him use this would be the final act of stupidity.

        2.Sitting Room

“Canon to right of them, Canon to left of them, Canon in front of Them Volley'd and thunder'd; Storm'd at with shot and shell”.

I wish my supply of cannons was this steady; I need exactly these items to express my anger. I will tell you exactly why I’m so angry. During my squash pouring I was interrupted by a knock at the door. I think it’s probably John Prosper, a neighbour who’s a blatant crook and who I really don’t have any time for .In which case I would say “All the infections that the sun sucks up from bogs, fens, flats, on Prosper fall and by inch meal make him a disease”. Or else I won’t move from where I am and he’ll just disappear. Oh god, I may as well just answer the door, but when I do..I find there’s no one there. For a moment I think my wish came true and Prosper (or whoever was there disappeared) …..Or. Ah, in truth a bit of a development .As soon as I turn away from the door I see Dazz’s finger furtively hovering near the button to turn on the PlayStation 3-obviously the rest of his body is close by, it’s not like his fingers just hovering in mid-air. He had obviously knocked on a nearby wall or table to make me think I had visitors , and that me answering the door would allow him enough time to turn the ps3 on- and well I’ll be jiggered it almost worked. I have no idea what he was going to do when I came back mind which as you see only took a second.

You can see why I’m angry at this so to prevent a similar incident from occurring a second time (hopefully) I approach Dazz with frighteningly close proximity and say in a threatening half whisper “Seriously man I am extremely well versed in Hitachi”.  Every time I am truly angry at Dazz I Think of the name of an electrical brand and try to make it sound dangerous, as long as I use the half whisper and begin the sentence with seriously I can guarantee he will become petrified. I leave the room again based on an urge to use my bathroom facilities surely I can trust him this time right? Haha haha. I shall mention that sound travels around my house. When I’m in the toilet I hear Dazz entering the kitchen, the rattling of small items in containers, a sound similar to a miniscule pebble falling into a river and the sound of mettle against a cup. Then when I’ve left the toilet I see Dazz taking it in turns to stare at two identical cups as though they’re both taking it in turns to haunt him. I take a sip out of one and my eyesight is altered; everything peters out and begins to look like a water colour painting the next thing I know I’m waking up a few seconds later (it wasn’t a strong enough dose for me to sleep any longer- I only sipped it). I wake up and I immediately notice the cup is empty and Dazz is asleep next to me on the sofa. I’ve figured out what he’s done:

He slipped some sleeping pills into my tea- however made one for himself using two similar cups by accident, he then forgot which cup it was put in and I by chance selected the one that had been distorted. Then, he being unsatisfied with his own portion of tea forgets he ever put anything in mine and drinks the rest of it extremely quickly, which causes him to fall asleep. “If you can dream and not make dreams your master, and if you can think and not make thoughts your aim, if you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same”. Dazz, in this context is clearly an imposter and is bringing me only disaster which I am treating differently to any triumph I am ever likely to encounter- so I will never be a man, my son. I can’t have this. Dazz has made my life at home hell and while I don’t have the heart to make him a resident of the mean streets I need to confront him. I’ve tolerated this for too long, he has almost destroyed my flat. This flat is mine and in this flat my name is "Ozymandius, king of kings look on my works ye mighty and despair”. I wake Dazz up using a spoon and a sauce pan very liberally (I didn’t hit him, I hit them together). During the time I spend engaging in this activity I think Dazz has at least inadvertently provided my house with a noteworthy image, he has    “Right Dazz this really is it now I can no longer cope with your inclinations, I am taking this PlayStation far away from your reach and believe me I am faced with no lesser degree of despair than you” (I am facing a much lesser degree of despair than him). “I am also” I continue “Taking your phone from you, you are not allowed to use this for the remainder of tonight. We are not using any electrical equipment for the rest of tonight, we are going to read- what could you possibly do to ruin that? And NO that’s not a challenge”.

3.Reading Room

My name is Dazz. I’m staying with a friend. He’s forced me to read. He’s ‘avin a whale of a time with ‘is book. I’m stuck with one I can’t say the name of. This is not fair. He is a buzz kill. I don’t want this book. I can’t ask ‘im for another, he’ll go nuts. There must be a way around this. I might ‘ave to get ‘im out of the room………