Win a date

“Well, you’ve introduced me to a new experience” I say aloud, believe me when I say it sounded much less 1940s when I planned it out in my head. “What, have you never sat down before?” she replies in her vocal style that isn’t native to Britain (this makes sense, she isn’t either). Bit of sarcastic humour though, that clearly translates to other parts of the world. Against everything I usually think about this person, I’m pretty sure I temporarily hate the girl for that comment. Sarcastic comments are only satisfactory when you’re the one making them. I am frighteningly unsure how to start a conversation with someone of this level of fame. A person who’s been in films and TV series. She has tasted the strongest purest flavours of success that I can only ever taste the watered down versions of- and even then I would be extremely lucky, what with not having amounted to anything yet. I have no idea how to continue a conversation even with the everyday person I never know what to say and am even less in the know of how to avoid saying the wrong thing. I always enter conversations worried that a sitcom based misunderstanding will pop out at me. Their amusing to watch, but I can’t imagine they would be amusing to experience. Maybe I should tell a joke? Do I know any good jokes? What is a good joke? What is a joke? Why am I here? Why am I me? Why am I asking these questions? Am I trying to distract my own train of thought? OK, NOW it’s time to move on from that- why is it time to move on from that? Oh god, I don’t think I can stop. Right a joke yes perfect, it doesn’t have to be good let’s see what we’ve got to choose from;

1. Have you seen the picture of Dorian Gray? It’s getting old
2. What do you call a woman who is good at catching things? Annette
3. I know someone who makes fun of people while collecting urine samples- they really take the piss.

Oh god no, none of them will suffice. Why was I even considering telling a joke, to someone who primarily stars as a quirky female character in comedies? - She would never be impressed. I honestly have a feeling that if i was only with this person as part of a win a date with a celebrity type competition I’d feel I earned the privilege and I’d be slightly more at ease. But because this isn’t the case at all I am by no means at ease. Not everyone gets to meet their celebrity dream date through the circumstances I did. I reply to her sarcastic comment sincerely, “I mean it’s never been quite this interesting before”. What follows is a confusing look from her either a loving gaze or an implicit scowl. Either way I’m fine, I’m just glad to be acknowledged. “Let’s play a game” I finally exclaim, incredibly unsure of myself. It seems like I’ve followed up my 1940s line with one you might find in a psychological thriller. A line somewhat similar to a smile slowly emerges on her mouth. Ok it’s some sort of progress. Or I atleast think it’s some sort of progress: maybe this smiling is a deception and she’ll use pepper spray to get rid of me. I get some genuine curiosity when she asks “What, like a board game” strange emphasis on the word board. Is she trying to tell me how she’s feeling or has all the analysis of poetry in English literature lessons taken a horrifying toll on me? . “Ooh yes” I reply finding my speech volume gradually increases as I talk. “I’m sure I left my monopoly board in my wallet let me just rummage around for it”. In my head I snear while the assertive sentence “you’re not the only sarcastic one are you Mrs big time actress” – I won’t say that out loud though there’s no need. There is a lot of unnecessary anger in my mind, there must be for me to quietly refer to a celebrity who im infatuated with and somehow meeting up with as “Mrs big time actress”. If I keep overthinking like this I might forget to show her the script, which is the only reason I’m really here. As Christoph Waltz said to Jamie Foxx in Django unchained I have lost sight of why I’m here, infatuation has got in the way. Anyway on with reality and conversations. “The aim of this game is to come up with an elaborate back story to anyone you see walking past” I explain to her in the style of a take charge drill sergeant you’d expect to see in films like Apocalypse Now. Appropriately, “The horror” may be her silent response to my idea of a game.  “Ok” she proclaims quickly “That man dressed in a suit holding that phone is a CIA agent disguised as a frustrated accountant that phone he holds to his ear isn’t actually a phone but a high tech device he uses to scan the thoughts of everyone surrounding him”. The entire line is said with no pauses and is an unusual combination of proud disciplined and somehow upbeat- this is a tone I’d never have guessed existed. Though I would have never guessed aliens were surrounding us until I saw the Men In Black Films (just to clarify, that’s sarcasm again). This girl or, well, woman (which ever she finds least insulting) would after all be perfect for my script. Though there was never any trace of doubt in my mind from what I’d seen of her in the box office, she would be perfect for me- but I won’t get ahead of myself just yet after all this isn’t a romantic film. Though I always felt an instant connection and admiration for her before meeting her, its one I can confirm and extend upon, now that I have. I genuinely think I am in love. She then says a small group of incredibly uplifting words “We should do something like this again”