I Wish I Never Knew

I wish I never knew what it was like to be left in the hospital by my mother as a newborn infant. I wish I never knew why my father picked me up from one foster home and took me to another only to never come back again for several years. I wish I never knew the emptiness that being un-loved fills your life with. I wish I never believed the fairy tales entitled Cinderella and Snow White. I wish I knew the truth of what it means to really live right from the beginning. I wish my parents loved each other and loved me and my siblings all equally. I wish I had more love to give to myself and real love to give to others and not the watered down mixture I learned from books and TV, and wished I was certain that I had self-esteem. I wish I had never experienced tragedy, I wish I could use my hands again, so that I can hold what is real. I wish that I could walk again so that I could step away from all the fear and depression that envelopes me on a daily basis. I wish I were perfect for real and not just in my imagination. I wish I didn't need to do a fundraiser or ask anyone for anything ever. I wish I never knew what it means to be sexually molested. I wish I never knew what racism means. I wish I never knew what it was like to feel pain and not be able to do anything about it. I wish I knew what it was like to be powerful and yet gentle at the same time. I wish I never knew what it was like to see and feel the truth about myself. I wish I never knew what it was like to have scars that would never go away. I wish I never knew what it was like to feel pitiful and helpless. I wish I never knew there was a difference between me and the whole world. I wish I never knew what it was like to be beaten by the first man who should have loved me unconditionally. I wish I never what it was like to make my husband angry. I wish I never knew what it was like to be compared to anyone. I wish I never knew what it was like to have money. I wish I never knew what it felt like to be frustrated. I wish I never knew what it was like to be pretty because it means nothing in reality. I wish I never knew what it was like to feel the pain of living.  I just wish I never knew.