naked and alive

Im what you might call funny creepy, I enjoy the sensation I get when I weird people out. which is why I so badly want to go on the show naked and afraid, just so I can make all these survival extremest blow their brains out for not thinking of my idea sooner, in the show you get to bring any one item with you, so I would pick a box of pizza with everything on it, then choose not to eat it. id leave it on the forest floor. sitting there butt naked screw the women if she has yet to catch on as to what im trying to do well she can starve it was my idea first. shell sit there crying about how she has no food suggesting maybe we can eat bugs? be my guest id make a club and use strung together palm leaves to strap pointy sticks that I make by scraping them on rocks to a bigger stick and sit covered completly by mud and leaves and wait. think camping people, what happens if you leave your food out unattended? the coons get them duh! since its the rainforest itl probably be some other animal. but reguardless die you stupid other furry animal your going to be dinner tonight. then id repeat the process until I catch me some monkeys and probably some kind of scavengers then make a fire with the seething rage stemming off my partners facial expression. ill make a friction fire by taking soft wood and rubbing it together with a drill I make myself oh no its so hard wo is me, wala fire! hia hia hahaha me cave man me make fire! hahahahahaha the entire time getting filmed I know the aduience is having a riot. like holly crap this fat guy makes it look so easy I just paid 5000 dollars to some hippy to show me how to survive and he did it all with a box of pizza double points! ill even save a slice and give it to her so she knows I havnt forgotten, she will probably pick a knife or a box of matches, who needs fucking matches? not me. so shes crying because im purposly ignoring her I dont care about her hurt feelings or how tired she is or how she wants to cuddle because in her mind I have provided for her and thats for some reason a major turn on to her, im in it to survive so I take the 5 monkey pelts using the small fire to burn off any remaining moist meat on the dead animal and make myself a sleeping harness by tying together the remaining leather. I dont care about her im not looking to get any and so far she has yet to show me that she has any talent for survival anyway. but im not a asshole so I go off to gather fire wood and let her sleep during the day, so at night she can be the sore loser to keep watch. shes not my mate or my friend and to be honest she complains about not having shampoo way too much, tralalala I go off into the wilderness, ahhhhhh a snake oh no whatever will I do? bash that fucker in the head with a stick hiya! bitch! whobringing home the viper bacon now? got a snake for dinner lots of left over monkey burger and some kind of small rodent. plus more fire wood. Dam im good. so I get back to camp and the glisten in her eyes tells me shes so thankful that this fat ass knows what hs doing even if I am a ass about it, who cares she gets free food and a place to sleep saftly, so I take the leg bone of the monkey and scoop out all the bone .marrow with a series of thin sticks and take the smaller bone breaking then into thin slivers urika iv made a crude yet effective blow gun. what did she do? She tried taking up basket weaving and only managed to make a birds nest and she ate more of my food! I was going to use it for bait I use small rocks to chizzle notches into the bone needles I boil then let palm leaves dry out over a rock then fray it with my bare hands to make hemp twine with my own two hands I make it long and very thin. I string it into the bone needle and set it into the blow gun then together we walk to the river carrying the meat with us. we use half of a monkey to bait the water and one by one go blow gun fishing catching 1 five pount fish after another surprisingly she has a knack for using the blow gun, no pun intended or is there? she cries about having to pee and I tell her just go, shes afraid the camera man might film her, I tell her maybe you could ask him not to? so after much delay she goes off. then she screa aaaaahhh help help its a fucking crocadile, I dont even bother hesitating I grab a log and jam it right into its open mouth, it clamps down on it and I run foward driving the log into its throat rupturing the beasts organs, thus saving her live earning her gratitude and providing enough food for 30 days, and getting the all time best ratings of the show