Demons of Detox

How is it that today
I'm just...okay?
Better than miserable,
which is usually the case.

Running on two hours of sleep,
I arrived at work early
for once, actually early.
This is todays highlight.
No phone, no money,
just my notebook I wish I'd brought.

Still struggling to find the will to live,
being alive feels insufferable.
Devoured by wretchedness,
Consumed by sorrow,
I am no stranger to these feelings,
for my life has only ever known melancholy.
Wounded innocence.

Happiness lives only in my dreams,
forever unattainable in waking life.
Questioning if it truly exists,
or rather a fragile illusion,
reserved for those who drift into the gentle fog of unknowing -
a sanctuary woven for minds untouched by the weight of realization.
Violent myth.
 
Yearning just for the simplest contentment,
I cling to the hope of finding touchable peace.
Praying for a life calm, and undisturbed -
Praying it's actually tangible.
But if I cannot taste the ease of being,
how dare I dream of serenity?
Cruel paradox.

The demons haven't hushed.
Rude. Intrusive. Persistant.
I ignore them but they're relentless.
I thought I was the determined one.

The inside of my mind
now a battlefield of scars and glory.
A 24/7 war
to celebrate victory or defeat.
A constant inferno within myself.
Leave me... I'm pleading.
Leave me... I'm screaming.
Leave me... I'm begging, I'm bleeding.
They mock me, they refuse, they linger.
Uninvited company.

The battle rages on, unbroken; the war inside me has no finish line.
I'm depleted. I beg, I plead, I wither.
I ask them to leave.
Instead, they postpone our date for a later time.
Intrusive stalker.

A cycle of soaring, then crashing,
I float on borrowed bliss, only to be slammed back down into the wreckage.
Regret creeps in,
I wish I left this abusive relationship sooner.
This is the love that keeps you tight in it's grip, forever attached, always crawling back for more.
Building you up with false dependency,
Feeding you beautiful lies, and covering up the truth with black and blued eyes.
Narcissistic lover.

Yet I have escaped.
Undefeated warrior.

But the love of shadows
keeps pulling me back,
dragging me into this malevolent pit.
Lost again in this unknown realm,
Demons playing hacky sack with my soul
until I lose everything
except the reason I fell.
Stolen dreams.
Lost hope.