What's In My Head

I have seen what others have reported about me, and know what some are thinking...Im amaze by a few, and out right shocked at still others...how folks find me sexy and popular is anyone's guess, yet I can live with the me i can see on the inside. For the most part love escapes me, for two main reasons...one reason, I have no money...I have found that money covers more faults then it should be able to do, and as  a result, many who have money are able to deceive their lovers beyond their point of return, and the sad part about it, love never really paid for anything worth having that wasn't free to begin with. The second reason i am without love...I like the woman to approach me, cause it feels safer, maybe it's the rejection, I cant say, all i know, when a woman is willing, I can share most effective, i dont like pushing or pulling a woman this or that way, so they are passed by without regard, not because i don't want love...i want it to be easier. I have a woman by my side...who is so attractive and intelligent she is intimidating to most men let alone other women, but the sad reality is she feels I'm beneath her, not for obvious reasons, but for stupid ones...she says I'm not tall enough...my stomach is too big, i cant dance, im a black man who dont like hot stuff...etc etc...but the sad reality is, i have no money or means to make her family proud of her...she has failed on so many levels in her mind, I'm sort of the camel that broke the camel's back. I can live with that only because i know my own value...no no no...im not all that and a bag of chips...im just saying i know how to love her beyond her mess...i still dye her hair, i still take the time to treat her with respect and kindness and when we go out i make sure she is safe and cared for...oh yes, she walks a few paces in front of me, then sticks like glue when other women steer or admire...Im with her for one reason and this alone...I traveled thousands of miles and left all to be with her, and i have no place to go...no...i will not use her body, even though it is natural and easy to do...no...i do not take her money and try to date others...that would be so out of order and what goes around comes back around...no...I do not lie to her and tell her all will be well...instead...we quarrel over her dominance over me...its her house and i am but a guess...I sweep all the floors in all the rooms, steam clean all the floors after that...she says she washes the clothes meaning she puts them in the washer, and by the way needs help hanging them up from time to tome...i cook breakfast, (there is no such thing as dinner meals, but dishes appear out the wood work as if some body has been eating)...for she likes a salad with her meals...she hides the foods she don't want me to eat and complains if i eat all the fruit before it goes bad, but when i throw out the fruit after it has sat there beyond eating, that is no real big deal...but i wash all the dishes all the time every day and night new moons and sad Sunday's so if i leave a tea bag in a lone cup on a day she happens to be in the kitchen...is it hard to just throw it in the trash and keep moving...why does it have to be a new rule, when en fact she hated doing dishes before she met me...yes...this type of stuff drives me to my knees in prayer, for i want to curse and pull the curtains down, but nope...i smile and wonder what my own place would be like with just me...hehehehe...now I know I sound like a woman my own self, and for the most part that may be true...most men would have done differently and probably would not be in this mess, but being soft is not a crime but to ones self, and i know I aught to shut up already, but moving along...then we quarrel about money...it is all hers to begin with...but I'm of the opinion that if you have so much save some spend some and invest some...but it ain't my money so there, but when money is spent, beyond what is needed, the fan is directed towards me, and i know her family thinks im a free loader, and for all intense and purposes they are right..for i live with her with no job, no income and no money...let me state right here, my name is nate jones, I live by my own hands and there is no place on this earth where I cant make a living or make a buck...however, life for two people starts with an agreement end of story...again moving along...but what her family don't know, is simple...she has been depressed from the strain of their relationship...she has been dying on the inside from the high standard that was set by a childhood no one can live up to...my being here is a way of helping her cope with life and relate to it differently and so far its working...i would have gone long ago...but to do so, would put her worst by far and i can not live with that...instead...i will stay as long as needed to see her to her daughter's...thousands of miles away...she has no way of getting there...but it's a walk in the park for the God I serve...and yup...they will consider me another user in her life and a free loader...but in my heart, i will see a friend home, even if it was not so for me...what else is a man to do...i will find home some day, but for now...she's a girl...and she needs a man, even if she bits me trying to help her...
I may not find a woman of my own, nor find a home in the mountains overlooking the Eagles...but that is my desire...im nate jones...I have spoken