4 AM Thoughts

I'm little sick - minded
and all I can do is write
it's the only way 
I can make it through the night

my peace piece immune system is down
but my head won't let me sleep
It's making me think instead
whispering the thoughts I secretly keep

I simply want to be 
I simply want to rise
But I get afraid when 
my minds more awake then my eyes

I'm not where I so desperatly want to be
NEED to be 
my heart pains - 
I don't simply feel alive just cuz my lungs breathe

day in day out
knowing what my destinys about
but feeling trapped in my own doubt
no matter the time the ticking noise shouts

it screams I don't have enough time
to live the life thats really mine
I go through the motions to appease the noise
so easy it is to forget I have a choice 

you know what? 

I really am sorry sometimes
that I cannot be normal, so I still try
to play into a life thats planned out and dry
but I'll never be fullfilled and I know why

you can't put me in box perfectly 
if I wasn't made a square
there isn't anything wrong with being one
I just don't fit in there

say what you may to help me on my way
it's not your fault if you like the box 
you always stay

but I'm not that neither will I ever be 
tell me who I am and who I'm supposed to be
but simply put that life 
isn't for me 

if you're not the same
there's no need for blame
but you'll never really see
I love the joys of simple life
but I cannot utter the words
"I'll grow old and then I'll die."
no beause you see, I'll grow young and stay alive

I know you think you understand
nodding patiently as you hear a part of my dream
but I cut myself short 
when I see you don't believe
when I believe you don't see

they're people who when they hear dreams
it sparks their heart
A fire burns behind their eyelashes 
I dont have to defend my words.

those are the people like me-
unsettled being ordinary, 
they see their life in technicolor 
and man..the worlds they conceive
in their head
alone in there bed
when the world is DEAD asleep.

please dont think me rude--
I'm happy your talking to me enough to ask 
but I can tell you can't see behind this mask
so you'll play along with the charade 
and then your curiosity will pass

and oneday soon but not soon at all
you'll see me in a different light
then you'll say
"oh so....THAT'S what she meant then, right?"

so I'm sorry if im zoney 
I promise I'm trying my hardest 
but my head space is a birds nest
and its a mess but its homey 

but you just see a forhead
nod your head like every other day
but my rhythms out of sink 
because its a kitchen sink
and you don't get that at all
but thats ok.

I feel trapped 
in a monochrome color scheme 
but the majority is color blind
so they don't see the colors I scream

the turquoise, the maroon, or rose gold
they just see an empty void with no warmth 
so all that's left- is cold

and maybe they'll stay content 
I can only explain for a moment
and if they like their black and greys
then thats where they'll stay

but if I see a speck of something 
they can almost speak
I'll shove a prism in their core
and see then what underneath.

so yes by all means I care 
regardless of whatever 
but if sentence fragments stutter
its because they can't muster
the dreams my souls aching to mutter 

and thats why im not normal
this introverted introspective jigsaw puzzle of distortion
I can't show you the final picture
because my pieces are in constant motion

but in the end eventually you might just find
pieces of your own buried in your own mind
those you have to revive

and the key is something I cannot give 
but lastly please remember  
its not lving to die...
its dying to live.