A Depressed Stoner

If I wasn't living my life with depression;
And if I wasn't living my life as a stoner;
Maybe I wouldn't be so physically lazy
Or maybe, it's not because I'm a stoner,
But because I have a disease that cripples me
Maybe, just maybe, I'm in a spellbound mindset
That just becomes a little bit more unsteady
A truth about depression, no one seems to be completely ready
For I did not ask for the things to happen to me
For me to grow up developing Complex-PTSD
For me to grow up developing sleeping abnormalities
For me to grow up developing problems with authority
For me to grow up with unspecified mood swings
For me to grow up with not just panic attacks but severe social anxiety
For me to grow up too young and had to learn how to take care of myself
Carefully at 11 years old, I had no idea what I was doing
I still don't know what I am doing, am I bipolar? Am I crazy?
Am I ADD? Or do I have undiagnosed adult ADHD?
Questions I seem to never get answers for because of the fact
That I'm a stoner and I use marijuana as my safe escape
I'm a homebody because I'm scared of the world
But the world itself is even more scared of the brutal reality
People SUFFER from depression, 
People SUFFER from multiple mental things
So when are we going to start doing something about it?
Actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT;
And not just sit around and talk about it?
I'm a stoner who deals with daily depression
And nightly horror films as soon as I shut my eyes
I'm a real person, I have real feelings and real fears
Everything I put on paper is the truth
What the hell sense does it make to create multiple lies?
I been dealing with this crap for more than 20 years
People see me crying and they just act like it means nothing
If it means nothing than why the hell do I keep ugly crying
I mean, ugly crying.. Crocodile tears.. I refuse to wear make up
Only because of the fact that when I get in a mood
My eyeliner seems to smear;
And my mascara becomes blotchy and sticky
Trying to stay mentally sane and take care of myself is something tricky
I never know if I'm coming, or going, who the hell really knows?
I don't and that's just not encouraging
I would rather much be a stoner than back on the grind poppin' pills
And at least when I'm stoned I can ignore truth about all of my sins
The ones I keep hidden, locked away, never to be known
I think about ways of hurting other people, shit even myself
But I'm not stooping to that level;
I'm too smart to become another clown;
Although I will admit, I have an evil side I'd like to play with sometimes
I'd like to see what kind of person that person actually is
Am I just delusional? Messed up? 
Or do I mean when I say I'm willing to go in for the fatality? The kill?
I'm depressed stoner who is physically lazy
I'll giggle here because I'm lazy 
Mixed with a little bit or maybe a lot of crazy, 
I'm stoned a little bit right now so I'm trying to do this while
My vision is becoming a little hazy
Is it because this is real, this is raw, this is making me emotional?
Or is it because I'm writing this and having to face my inner demons?
Or is it because I deserve a life better than this?
To live in luxury, a mindless soul, one who can be set free
To think I deserve anything in life itself is just plain out crazy
Mentally I'm struggling but I'm still trying to grow
I'm still trying to get somewhere in my life you know
If you are suffering from depression, I'm sure you already know 
How I'm actually feeling in a world like this, though
People see lazy, I see a depressed stoner with vision a little hazy
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, 
considering the parents I have
And the fact that they made ME
Made me fend for myself, through everything, since I was a child!
But thats okay, I'm grown now;
And this is just becoming a little too wild
They say depression and everything else a root cause,
A root reason? I didn't ask for them to conceive me
So how do I get over the fact that my reason is my parents
Father left when I was 11, and he was never consistent
But honestly, nonetheless, more transparent
Maybe at this point I'm just rambling but nah that's not true
I'm getting this shit off my chest and my advice is; this;
If you can relate to this, then pick your head up, and fix that crown
Whether you're a king, or whether you're a queen,
No one can dictate your life; but you
I can't help myself, pretty much useless for my self well being
However, let me help you get through this, let me get to you
Let me be the idol you need, on things what NOT to do
Yes I'm human just like you, but I handle things differently
And if you can relate to this, shit, even if you're just a stoner too
If you're a little lazy like me, just know that; that is okay too
Let me help you, because at the end of the day or night
It helps me, and it helps me with my internal demons on a daily
That I can't seem to suppress, or completely banish;
Let me help you, help me. This could be the only way we both;
Get what we need and hopefully someday, we can be set free.

Stephanie A. Davis(Ludwig)
04/13/2025