A letter to the first man that walked away from me
Where have you been the last few years, daddy? I know I screwed up a little bit, but you weren't there to dust me off, why weren't you there daddy? Sometimes I would go to sleep and in the morning you wouldn't be there anymore, where did you go daddy? Were we not good enough for you daddy?
Why did you leave so many times? Why did you make me feel like it was my fault you walked away from us? From me? I thought you were supposed to protect me, but why are you the one that has hurt me so much?
Why did you always get so mad, raise your fists and yell like I couldn't hear when I was standing right in front of you, with tears streaming down my face. You told me if I needed you, you would always be there, but where are you now daddy?
Where were you when my boyfriend hit me? Where were you when the man I thought I loved told me I was a whore and worthless, when he was sleeping with other women? Where were you when the boys forced my legs apart, taking everything from me and leaving me with nothing but shame and guilt for something I had no control over? Where were you when i felt pain like I had never felt before? Where were you when I damaged my own skin and my mind was taken over by darkness? Where were you then daddy?
Where were you when I had heartbreak after heartbreak, not only from boys but from myself, not feeling good enough for anybody, starting with you. Where were you when I drank bottle after bottle trying to escape from my everyday thoughts, only to land puking and drowning in my own tears?
Where have you been when I needed you the most? What have I done that was so terrible that it is okay to not have my dad care to be my dad? What lesson was worth all the pain I have sufffered endlessly over the years?
You haven't been here, you haven't been my dad when I needed you to be, you hurt me in ways I wouldn't even know where to begin to forgive you for.
But then again, how does one forgive someone for bringing them into a world they never intended on being a part of?
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Comments
I love this line...it the perfect opening image for this powerful and, at times, tough to read piece.
So much of who we are and who we become is shaped by those early relationships; usually, but not exclusively, with our parents. We can, and often do, step beyond the damage others do to us...but it takes time, patience and a supreme act of will. It probably also takes a poetic (or at least artistic) sensibility. And it is the tireless endeavour of a lifetime.
This piece is a fantastic start...and a powerful introduction to your work.
Welcome to Cosmofunnel.
J ;)